(Closed) To thank or not to thank?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

Depending on how close you are to them, you could also write about a specific moment you guys shared on the wedding day (I loved seeing your face when you were dancing to that crazy song, your smile always lights up the room! Thanks again for coming and for being such a treasured person in our lives.)

If you hardly got to see them on your wedding day, maybe bring up that you couldn’t have asked for a better friend/family member to be a part of your life, and that them being there brightened your day and put a smile on your face? I know these sound a little cheesy, but sometimes that works!

Post # 4
14658 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I believe etiquette says no.  Thank you cards are for thanking people for a gift, not for attendance.  The party and food was the ‘thanks’ for attending.  But I did send thank yous to (we only had 2) people who did not give a gift.  One of them ended up sending a gift a month later. 

Post # 5
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012


From strictly a Traditional Etiquette point of view, you only need to send Thank You Notes to those people who either gave you a Gift, or extended to you an offer of kindness (hosted a Pre-Wedding Event, put Aunt Martha up at their house for the Wedding, etc)

So no Thank You Card to those who just attended is necessary.

And some would argue that by sending Thank You Cards to those who didn’t give a gift, is actually a way of “pointing out” (shaming them) that didn’t give a gift.

On the otherhand…

Since the 1980s or so, when Brides & Grooms have been using Wedding Photo Thank Yous (be they the photos on the outside of cards… or a photo tucked inside) the act of sending Thank You Notes to everyone (gift givers or not) has been on the rise.  Even if it was just a short note that said… “Thank You for celebrating our Wedding Day with us… it was wonderful to see you again, and have you there to share our special day”

So honestly… the choice is now really yours… send Thanks for Coming to everyone if you think it is “your style”

Hope this helps,


Post # 7
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

I would send a thank you to everyone who actually atttended, etiquette or not, because what if they are friends with someone who sent a gift and received one but they were not able to buy you one for a couple months because of finances?  They would probably feel that you were rude not to send one to them just because they didn’t send a gift “yet”. Doesn’t hurt to send one to everyone though.

Post # 8
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

We aren’t registering, but even If I were I would send Thank you to everyone who took time away from their busy lives and extending some energy, time and effort to come to my wedding.

This another one of the etiquette thing that make me scratch my head. Most people don’t even know these arbitrary rules and so they may be offended especially if they know other guest, heard you sent thank you cards and didn’t get one.

Anyways it’s a choice each bride has to make for themselves. I plan on thanking everyone for their attendance.


Post # 9
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

@tronski:  If your hand is tired, you can try the other one? LOL Cool

Post # 10
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

Technically, no, and sending one can be seen as a reminder that the person thanked didn’t send a gift since the notes are for gifts, not attendance. The reception was to thank the guests for attending the wedding, and you should’ve thanked as many as possible in person during the receptions.

If the guests are younger, they will probably not consider the note gift-grabby, but then again those are the same people likely to not notice or care if they don’t get a thank you note. People of our parents’ generation and older may be confused or take offense… or they may not. Impossible to know.

Also, guests have a year to send a gift, so you may not want to preempt anyone by sending a thank you note while they still have an opportunity to send a gift.

Post # 11
1227 posts
Bumble bee

@mrsSonthebeach:  “Also, guests have a year to send a gift, so you may not want to preempt anyone by sending a thank you note while they still have an opportunity to send a gift.”

Though most etiquette sites indicate 1 year is too long with the advent of online purchasing and shipping, 2-3 months post wedding is not unusual.

I would not send a thank you card to people who attended without a gift, because as someone else pointed out, it may appear that you are fishing for one, or reminding them that they didn’t bring you a gift.

I don’t expect written thanks for simply attending an event I was personally invited to.

**That said, if I knew that someone, due to extreme financial hardship, had no intention on sending a gift, I might drop them a note, especially if we’d shared some special moments at the wedding.

Post # 12
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Lol… as I said, it is almost like one is damned if you do, or damned if you don’t

Personally, I plan to just write Thank Yous for everyone…

In my mind… ALWAYS better to make the faux pas of Over Thanking than Under Thanking.  Under Thanking is NEVER right.


Post # 13
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m not sending thank you notes to people who didn’t get us a gift.

1) If they do send us a gift, I will send it after I get it.

2) If they weren’t planning on getting us a gift, sending a thank you might make them feel guilty.

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