(Closed) To the Bees that were (or are) ambivalent about having kids…

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 4
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee

I’m 28, and want pretty much the same things you do:

-I NEED to travel and see the world (specifically to Italy, France, Iceland, New Zealand… the only place I’ve ever been is Mexico, so I’ve got A LOT of travelling to do!!)

-I want to finish my degree, which at this point, is 4 more years.

-I want to land an awesome job that I love.

 

…but, I’m 28. My mom and sister both had fertility issues (my mom had my sister when she was 31, after having multiple miscarriages… and then, after more miscarriages, when she was 42, I was the surprise.) So, if I want kids, I can’t wait 10 years. Shoot, I shouldn’t even wait 5 years. My Fiance and I are going to start TTC next year, right after our wedding.

 

My tipping point was realizing that, I want wake up early in the morning to the sounds of my kids running to the Christmas tree on Christmas morning. There’s just something about that, that makes me cry. I wanna hear them running down the stairs and giggling because they’re trying not to wake us up… this all sounds really corny, I know. But it was my extremely specific A-HA moment. Europe will always be there. I can always go back to school and finish, which I will. But biologically, I just don’t have that time. 

Post # 5
Member
2662 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m 32yo and Fiance is 50yo. We not only needed to start TTC like last year but have also imposed a sort of “done trying” date. I’m looking to start over career-wise, which means more school. Yipee. On top of that, I suffer from depression, which is genetic. I’m terrified of passing it on to my child because I’d feel guilty for the rest of my life knowing how much s/he could/would suffer. I haven’t traveled nearly as much as I was hoping to have by this point in life. Child rearing is expensive as hell, and we’re currently a one-income family. My dog hates children. I’ve gotten pretty used to a kid-free lifestyle. 

 

And yet we are TTC before the wedding. The pros of parenthood, at least to me, don’t really stack up logically against the cons. Basically on the pros side of my list, I have “I want to be a mom” and “FI wants to be a dad.” We’d fulfill those wants anyway since we plan on adopting older children in the future. However, we still want at least one biological child. It’s not about leaving a legacy or some misguided desire for unconditional love (which should be coming from one’s partner anyway or their pet). Like @LadyMoriarty said, it’s about the moments like being woken up on Christmas morning, watching Saturday morning cartoons while eating pancakes, feeling that trusting little hand in mine as we cross the street. 

 

The tipping point for me, though, was when Fiance admitted how much he really wanted a bouncing BabyMoon. Again, we’re both also wanting to adopt, but I was on the fence about a biological child for the reasons on the cons side. Then we had a kind of emotional talk about it, and here we are. I’m trying not to get too excited because it would break my heart if we ended up…well…we’re here now.

Post # 6
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

We got married a month ago. I am 33 (next week) and he is 28. We are both done school, have great jobs, bought a house, have no debt other than our mortgage, good savings, have done a fair bit of traveling already… All of our “ducks” are in a row. Yet I feel no urge to have kids. He has a 2.5 year old who lives with us half-time, and I adore her. We love having her with us, and we love having our adult time too. I sometimes wonder – if she wasn’t around, would my clock start ticking?

 

However, I have a friend who is 34 who has been TTC for 3 years and just found out it will probably never happen. I have started to wonder how I would feel in that situation… for right now, I think I would be ok with it.

Post # 7
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I made it clear to my SO that I wont have kids. They will only hold me back in life and I’d hugely regret not doing all the travel I want, all my extra hobbies and jobs. My lifestyle is not kid friendly, plus I don’t like kids. To be honest, I don’t really see any ‘pros’ to having kids. I know other people like them, and that’s fine, but nothing about it sounds appealing to me.

 

The most important thing is, DON’T have kids just because. Have them because your life will be incomplete without them. Don’t do it because it’s the ‘done thing’, don’t do it because you’ll “love them later” that does NOT always happen! Plenty of women have kids and just presume they’ll love them once they arrive- real life is not a fairytale.

Post # 8
Member
2952 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 1998

@photogestelle:  very well said I couldn’t agree anymore:)

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