(Closed) To The Married Bees Part 2!

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Finances
    We have seperate accounts. : (11 votes)
    6 %
    We have a joint account. : (37 votes)
    19 %
    We have seperate accounts and also a joint account(s). : (35 votes)
    18 %
    We have joint accounts but I wish we didnt. : (0 votes)
    I have a secret account that SO/FI/DH does not know about. : (6 votes)
    3 %
    I wish I had a secret account that SO/FI/DH does not know about. : (2 votes)
    1 %
    I would never have a secret account/Its a very bad idea to have a secret account. : (35 votes)
    18 %
    It is a good idea to have a secret account/just in case... : (6 votes)
    3 %
    It is a good idea to discuss large independent purchases beforehand. : (59 votes)
    31 %
  • Post # 3
    192 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    The number one thing couples fight about is money, so Darling Husband and I have always been very upfront with our spending on everything.

    We have a joint accounts (checking and savings) and seperate checking. The joint account was for wedding expenses but will now switch over to more of a joint purchase account for a while. We need things like a new bed and car. The goal is to eventually have all of our money go into the joint account for bills/family expenses, and our seperate checking accounts are for us to do with what we please. Shopping (car parts or clothes, or purchased lunches at work for example) and we will each get an equal amount a month into those accounts from the joint.

    We alway tell eachother what we are spending/buying. Its not that we are asking for permission, its more like…”I need to get new clothes for work, I am planning on spending x amount this weekend.” Just so that the other person knows what is going on and how much is getting spent even if it is coming out of the seperate accounts.


    Post # 4
    802 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    In my opinion, marriage is 100% a team effort. This absolutley means financially too. Darling Husband and I have 1 joint checkings account where both paychecks go to, and we each have a debit card for it. We also have 2 joint savings accounts that we can both see at any time.

    I manage all the bills, so Darling Husband just buys his lunch every day. If we need something for the house we go together usually, so we both know what it costs.

    Darling Husband isn’t allowed to buy a new gun, or leather (he makes holsters- shiz is expensive) without telling me first. Just like I can’t go shopping without letting him know i’m going. It’s common sense for us, and respect. Like would you be happy if I took out 600$ and didn’t tell you? No, so you won’t do it to me. That sort of thing. 🙂

    Post # 5
    3977 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    We have separate and joint accounts. Works for us. I’ve heard every permutation and you just gotta find what works for you.

    As for the secret accounts….isn’t that your own separate account? He doesn’t know how much money is in that right? so why would you need a separate one that you labeled as secret if the amount is secret anyway? Most banks let you have as many small accounts as you want so I guess if you felt that separating your personal account into multiples would help you reach some goal then that would be cool.

    As for big purchases, yes, we discuss before anything huge but I trust him to be mostly responsible. Though if you have completely separate accounts (as in, no discussion whatsoever as to what is in each of yours) then as long as he can still pay bills then I guess you’ve gotta say ‘whatever’. If you’re not having anything labelled “our money” then what’s his is his.

    Post # 6
    10851 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    For us, separate accounts works best and will continue to be the solution for us. We each have projects we like to work on and Darling Husband doesn’t want any of the risks he might take on a project to come out of my/our pocket. Totally fair and fine by me.

    We always talk about larger purchases beforehand, but we don’t make a lot of large purchases, so I couldn’t say what the dollar amount would be. Neither of us would run out and buy a new car without talking to the other or anything! We each like to research too, so even if it was a new couch, we’d likely go together to make sure we both thought it was comfortable, etc.

    We’ve never had a “you pay for X, I pay for Y” type of plan. We just each pay for whatever comes up. The house is in my name, so I pay most of our househould bills, and Darling Husband takes care of the yard and maintanence around the house. It’s never stressed us out or been something that we fight over. If I get tired of paying a bill or if he goes over our internet usage and we have extra fees, I give it to him to pay and he does, LOL! We’re probably more laid back about finances and who pays what than most people are.

    Since we have separate accounts, I don’t have a “secret” account, but if we had a joint account I would definitely still have my own. Even my mom does! She uses it to pay for her stuff at Costco so my dad doesn’t see how much she gets carried away there, LOL!!!

    Post # 7
    5797 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2011

    We have separate checking accounts and a savings account we are both set up to deposit to/withdraw from. We also each have our own savings accounts. Its mostly just laziness, we lived together before we got married so we already had a system for sharing expenses and we didn’t really see the point in rocking the boat. No secret accounts, although I understand why some women have them.

    We don’t have a set amount of money we agreed to spend without consulting the other… I spent $170 on shoes the other day without saying boo to him so $200? $250?

    ETA: We’re really lax about splitting expenses. We just figure its “our money” so if someone buys groceries 3 times in a row it’s not a big deal.

    Post # 8
    842 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Our finances are pretty much competely joined.  We have separate accounts from before we merged, but mostly they’re savings for the wedding.  We each have a high interest savings account because then we both get 4% on up to $3k (so $6k tota), whereas if it was joint, the max would be $3k total.

    We tried to do the separate thing, but it got to be so complicated for who pays what and what’s a joint expense and what isn’t.  Personally I hated it when we’d go out to dinner and be trying to pay with two credit cards.  Or when we’d take a trip and try to figure out who pays for what.  It was especially weird when my aunt was getting married, because we had to fly and book a hotel, so I felt like maybe I should pay since it was an event for my family, but he wanted to contribute.  I also make more money, so that got kind of weird since I had more extra available. 

    Some couples have no problems splitting things up.  I have married friends who have an arrangement where one pays for all their dinners out, and the other pays for all the groceries.  Another married couple, one pays for all their flights and the other the hotels.  That works for them.  It just doesn’t for us.

    By having everything together it helps for both of us to just see everything as ours, instead of feeling like things aren’t equal.  I handle the finances and look at everything as a whole. It makes me feel that much more of a family with my Fiance.


    Post # 9
    515 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011 - Clark Gardens

    We have both joint and separate accounts, but we each have access to all of them. 

    I think it isn’t a horrible thing to have a totally separate account (I do). It isn’t a secret at all, but Darling Husband doesn’t have any access to it whatsoever. 

    Post # 10
    1245 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    We have joint checking and savings accounts. Our money is all the way joined together and each of us has access to all accounts.

    Post # 11
    7173 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I wanted to have separate accounts, but I was having a really hard time figuring out what was seperate and what was joint.  ie:  a trip to Target to by personal tolietries, household cleaning supplies, etc – just turned into an accounting, penny-pinching nightmare.

    So – we put everything into one big pot and trust each other to not go crazy in any category.

    We have, however, run into a snag.  Or, should I say – I’ve run into a snag.  DH makes some money on the side and he considers that his money.  I’m livid about it, to say the least. He doesn’t see why I think I should have access to that money, which has caused a number of fights and has made me get close to creating seperate accounts – but, I’m not ready to go there, because it’s out of anger.  In his mind, his paycheck goes entirely to us – but this other stash of cash is his to play with.  UGH.

    Generally speaking – I do think that we are in this together and we should each pool our resources for the benefit of the unit…. which is why the big pot approach works for us.

    ETA:  our fight last night was about big purchases and the aforementioned secret account.  I told him my expectation was that any purchase over $100 should be discussed.  That’s the bar for myself – and was my unvoiced expectation for him.  He made a $1000 purchase with that fund and didn’t think it was a big deal.  I told him how disrespectful it made me feel.  The crazy thing is I was all for the purchase, but him doing it without talking to me about it made me feel (and still makes me feel) awful.

    Post # 12
    2103 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    We decided to keep our own personal accounts and created a joint account into which we could deposit money that would go towards mutual household needs….such as any home repairs, toiletries and such that we both use equally and entertainment/dinner we do together.  Basically HE pays all the bills/mortgage, and I match that into our joint account. Then we don’t have to question each others choice on how to spend their money. We were in our 30s when we were married and both used to financial independence, so it just felt natural to go this way.

    Post # 13
    6015 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    We each have our own checking/savings account and one joint savings/checking.  Our paychecks are direct deposited into the joint checking, we each slide 250.00 over to our own accounts each paycheck to do what we want with it.  The bills get paid out of the joint, execpt car payments (I have no idea why that one in paticular but that worked out that way), and we move money into the savings (we are building up our emergency fund) and we have money for ourselves.

    We discuss most purchases other than clothes, before we buy.  He’s great researching deals, and if I buy let’s say a table he hates it has to go back anyway so might as well discuss.

    Post # 14
    928 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    We couldn’t decide so we have both seperate and joint accounts. We have a joint checking and joint saving. We each contribute the same amount each month to cover the mortgage, grocery shopping and household bills. We also have a joint savings where we’ve socked our wedding money and tax return.

    It was easier for us to just put in the same amount into the joint checking each month instead of keeping a running tab of who bought what when.

    Everything else is seperate – we each have our own checking savings for daily personal expenses and personal bills like credit cards, car insurance, student loans etc.

    While we don’t have an agreed upon amount for specific purchases we do talk about it first if it’s going to be a large purchase – like a car, furniture, vacation, home repair etc. If it’s a $300 purse coming out of my personal account or $800 work of hockey equipment for him then no. If you can afford it out of your own pool and you’ve got a nice buffer to still pay the bills then it’s fine.

    Post # 15
    1304 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    We got married in our mid-thirties.  Combining everything right away felt way too extreme for us because we had been fully established, independent adults for such a long time.

    When we moved in together about 4 months pre-engagement, we set up a shared credit card and savings account.  Things have evolved from there.  I handle the paperwork (paying bills and updating our spending spreadsheet) each month.  We split our shared expenses, pay for our individual expenses, and deposit savings into our shared account at a rate that is proportional to our incomes.  It is pretty obvious what is considered a shared expense versus not, or at least we are on the same page regarding this.  It’s sort of a pain to tally everything at the end of the month, but this is also how we track our spending / budget.  (I used to do this for myself before I’d even met my husband, anyway.)  Our savings rate is pretty aggressive, about 40% of our after tax income, so neither of us has been bulking up our personal accounts.

    We have used our shared savings to pay for our wedding, a new car, and our upcoming delayed honeymoon.  We will also use some of them for a house downpayment, though much of that will come from individual accounts because the money had already been saved before we got married.

    As we are married longer, I think more of our finances will be shared, especially if we have children.  We have gradually added each other to various credit cards for various reasons (e.g., my husband has a card that gets great discounts at a clothing retailer that I like, so he got me a card for that account).  When we buy a house, more of our individual money will be merged.  We talk about this stuff regularly, and we both work to make sure we’re on the same page.

    I guess it seems like a complicated system, but it works for us because we keep updating the arrangement as our marriage evolves.

    ETA: Originally my spreadsheet only tracked my spending, and I was using it  before I’d even met my husband.  When we set up our pre-engagement shared accounts, I started tracking our shared expenses and splitting them in half so that it would still reflect only my individual budget.  Since we got married, I started tracking his spending as well.  So, we can both see each other’s spending every month and keep an eye on things.  So far, the grand conclusion is that we spend way too much month on restaurants!

    Post # 16
    593 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    For us, this is what works.

    Joint Checking Account:  We each transfer a set amount of money into this account after each paycheck (both Darling Husband and I are paid bi-monthly).  At the beginning of each year we plan our budget and determine what our total combined costs are (mortgage, bills, groceries, misc house crap, other joint commitments) we split that number by two and that is what we are each responsible for.

    Joint Savings: We have 1 joint savings account (though I’d like to have 3) to which we contribute for general savings, house savings and travel savings.  We each contribute the same amount to the savings account each paycheck.  I keep track of how much is related to the 3 different types of savings on a spreadsheet so I know how much we have for “travel” for example if we want to discuss a trip.

    Seperate Checking: This is where my paycheck is initially deposited.  The remaining that I do not transfer into our joint checking/savings is mine to do with as I wish.  I pay things like gas, food (when I am not with Darling Husband – ex being out to drinks with girlfriends), shopping, personal debt, etc.

    Seperate Savings:  I contribute to this at my own discretion.

    This plan works for us because 1) Darling Husband has a lot of student loan debt that I do not contribute to. 2) If I want to buy a coach purse and I have the money in my seperate account to do so I dont want to answer any questions about it. 3) If Darling Husband wants to buy a dumb $400 golf club I dont question him about it. 4) We wanted each other to contribute equal amounts, not proportionate to their income.  Meaning, Darling Husband makes more than I do but he also suffered through law school to earn that (not that I didn’t suffer along side him) but still I think he should reep the benfits of a higher salary.  The reality is – I benefit from it too since he treats us to nice things more often.

    As PP have said, its all about what works for you and your relationship.  This is what works for us – in the future it may change but for now and under our current circumstances it works just fine and we’ll stick with it!

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