Post # 1
I would like to draw on the experience of married bees (and anyone else that feels qualified to answer).
My question is regarding sharing a home. How difficult was this transition if it all?
What were the best and worst parts?
Anything, you wish you knew before hand?
I would love to hear your thoughts and suggestions. I will not be moving in until after the wedding and would just like to be as prepared as possible. We have a very good relationship but im sure that sharing a space 24/7 forever can add some friction to that dynamic, most likely especially in the beginning, or so i hear…
Thanks in advance for any feedback you can provide. I appreciate it!
Post # 3
We did not live together until after our wedding. We had a great relationship before, but there were still some challenges when I moved in. It was mostly little things that took a while to adjust to. For instance, learning to sleep with someone else in the bed every single night took me months to get use to. I had stayed with Darling Husband before but for some reason it was different when it was every night. Also, we had some kinks to work through about chores, who does what, and how often type issues. We each have our own bathroom, which I think is totally necessary. Last, I was very independent and used to living by myself. At first, Darling Husband wanted to spend every minute together, and I finally had to explain I needed some me time. So now, I’ll say that I need some me time and take off to Barnes & Noble to have some coffee and read for a bit when I just need to be by myself. I think moving in together presents a new set of challenges that you just have to communicate through and focus on being a team. That said, living together is SO fantastic. I love that my best friend is always there to hang out with and that we know each other on a whole new level. I’m glad we never lived together before marriage because it was such a hood initial bonding experience. Sure, there were ups and downs, but that time made us feel like a real family. If you have questions about how we handled any specific issues, just ask and I’ll see if I can give you some input.
Post # 4
Darling Husband and i didn’t live together until marriage.
It was a super smooth transition. I owned/furnished the house and he moved his clothes into a spot in the closet. We haven’t had any issues living together and love it so much more than when we were apart. Before we couldn’t find time to be together, and now it’s just less stressful with all of our stuff in one place (versus two houses).
My Darling Husband is easy going though and we’re both clean people, so it hasn’t been hard. I had to show him a couple of times where dishes, etc went.
The only thing that’s weird is that Darling Husband likes to go to bed really late, like at midnight. So I struggled with exhaustion for a while and now I force him into bed earlier.
Post # 5
For us, we lived together pretty early on. It was an easy and natural transition for us. Our living styles are pretty similar (we’re both pretty messy – not dirty- and we’ll clean up every few days or when we have people coming over, lol). We’ve sorted out each of our roles as time has gone on. I do the groceries, he does the yardwork (mostly).
The best parts are just hanging out on the couch watching tv together, catching up about our days while making dinner, that kind of stuff.
The worst parts are probably the silly nit picky things that annoy us all: He can never find anything in the fridge and I always have to get up to help him. He occassionally forgets to flush the toilet or leaves it FULL of toilet paper and I have to plunge it (eww!). Typical boy stuff 😉 Also our house is kind of tiny, so sometimes it’s hard to find your own space if you want to do something other than what the other person is doing. We’re sort of squashed in here, so there’s no such thing as one person watches tv while the other reads a book 😉 But then again, it was the same in our old condo, so we’re used to it!
I didn’t check off about kids because Darling Husband has a son who’s with us every other weekend, so I’m not sure how to count that towards your poll! We’re part time parents 🙂
ETA – Just saw your question about anything I wish I knew before… Hmmm… Well I think it’s important to know how each of you live. Like is one of you messy and the other a neat freak? Because that will cause a lot of friction! I was like that with an ex Boyfriend or Best Friend, man am I ever glad that didn’t work out! I couldn’t have dealt with him! He had a different cleaner for every type of wood in the house, it made me nuts!!! LOL!
I think just being clear about what each of you likes to do/not do and see where you can work that out. I hate doing the bathrooms, so Darling Husband does them. I do the vaccuuming because he hates that. We’ve never fought about bills or anything, but I would talk about who’s going to pay for what utilities, etc or if you’ll have a joint account and how that works.
Post # 6
I currently live with my fiance and our transition wasn’t as smooth, mainly because of my astronomical standards and my disappointment every time he didn’t meet them (in terms of cleaning and stuff). We’ve ironed everything out now, and we each have our respective chores to do, and they’re done relatively on time my choices in your poll are:
Living together was difficult for us only in the beginning and got better over time.
We lived together before we got married.
We do not have kids.
Post # 7
We lived together before marriage and it was a very smooth transition. Luckily we have very similar living habits, so that made it easier for us – we both go to bed at the same time and we both naturally wake up pretty early in the morning. We have similar cleaning habits, eating habits, and like to do the same things.
But before we moved in, we talked about these things – like the fact that both of us should feel free to do things like read or do random things and not feel like we should be constantly spending time with/entertaining each other. Being honest and talking about your living habits are the best way to ensure the process is smooth and there are no surprises when you move in together.
Post # 8
We lived together for 1 year before we got married. I have a 6 year old little boy from a previous relationship and i wanted the transtion to be easy for him
Living together before we got married was the best choice we ever made! I couldnt imagine having to be newlyweds and get use to each other. the first year of marriage is hard enough!
Post # 9
We didn’t live together before the wedding either and I’m glad. I really loved having my own place and still kinda miss it sometimes. I think the biggest challenge was that I moved into my husband’s house. He’d been living there for like 8 years so it was pretty lived in and full already. We both got rid of stuff, but it was (and is) still too crowded. So for me, just trying to make his house feel like my home has been a challenge. I was worried about stepping on his toes or being bossy or intrusive, but I found that when I just did things (set up my bookshelf for example) he was always happy with it. I wish we’d been able to do more projects to really make it feel like ours but the 1st year went so fast with lots of other things going on. We have been doing some projects lately and, a year later, our house does look a lot better and I feel more like it is also my house. We are planning on moving within the year, however, which is one reason we haven’t worked hard on making this house feel like both of ours. Like @smores, I also need alone time which can be hard in our house as it’s pretty small. But I’ve made a point to do things for me–go to zumba, go for a walk alone, etc…
As for advice, just try and give yourself and your new husband a lot of grace and allow time for the process. I think part of beginning a new marriage is adjusting to a new way of life and living together really makes that feel real. If you can start moving stuff before the wedding, I definately recommend that. I had this grand vision of getting pretty much 100% moved in and having the house look all homey before we got married, but it ended up being a stressful scramble at the end to get it all done.
Oh–conflicts can be hard because you know you have to stay. I can’t just go home to my own apartment. BUT–it forces you to deal with that kind of discomfort.
All in all, however, I really love living with my husband, especially now that it’s been a year and I’m used to it! It’s great to have someone to have little rituals with (Taco Tuesdays for example) and just to feel like we’re a team and a little family.
I don’t know if I did a good job of answering your questions (I tend to ramble sometimes), but feel free to PM me if you ever get overwhelmed or want more specific advice!
Post # 10
It wasn’t difficult, but we are both pretty easy going and talk about things that bother us.
I think it also depends on if you are getting a new space together – OR – if one person is moving into the others space.
Darling Husband moved in to my house. He was used to how I did things, while we were dating. But, he felt like he had to do them my way vs. how he’d do things. That took some adjusting to on my part – because even though it felt like my house (initally) it was his house too.
I am more messy than Darling Husband and it took extra effort on my part to have the house picked up.
I also went through a period where I felt like I was the one doing all the deep cleaning and it wasn’t an equal effort. We’ve since worked through that – and I don’t really see things as needing to be an equal effort. He does stuff when he is able to, I do stuff when I am able to – and it all works out.
I think it would be valuable to sit down and talk about basic living expectations. Who cleans what and how often. Talk about chores and mundane activities. How do you want to broach situations you aren’t happy about. What do you do when you are feeling overwhelmed or unsupported.
One of my friends does a weekly ‘town hall meeting’ to discuss things they aren’t happy with (or are happy with). That’s a little extreme for me, but it works well for them.
What are you most concerned about? Is it the 24/7 factor and being tired of him in your space? If that’s the case, part of that is knowing yourself and knowing if and when you need alone/down time.
The best part of living together is him being around all the time – or driving up to the house and feeling my heart skip a beat because his car is in the driveway before me. 🙂
Post # 11
We lived together for a year before we got married and after all was said and done, I was happy that we did it that way. Living together is a big transition, you may think you know the person you’re about to marry, but you have no idea. Divying house work, finances, all that stuff can get stressful, but you work it out over time and you find what works best for you guys. But I will stress, it does take time, not a day. Housework was a common fight between the two of us. After a few pretty big fights, we finally decided to sit down, look at all of the housework and divide it up. Also, saying thank you or even just acknowledging something that has been done around the house by the other person can go a long way. Even though you love your husband, you sometimes want some space, which can be hard when you live together. You don’t want to hurt their feelings, but sometimes, you have to break it to them. Everyone needs their space (sometimes I think women moreso than men). Their little quirks that you thought were cute or didn’t pay attention, now bother you when you deal with them 24/7. You definitely learn over time to pick your battle. Are the socks next to the hamper (as opposed to in the hamper) really going to ruin your marriage? no, so you get over it and learn to live with it. I’ve been living with Darling Husband for over two years now and I still learn new things about him.
Getting married brought on a whole other meaning to our relationship (obviously!). Although we had, for the most part, gotten used to living together, being married was a bit of an adjustment. When you fight, you have to grow up and face it. You can’t run away from your problems. Whenever Darling Husband and I would fight prior to getting married, one of us would sometimes just leave to get away. Once we were were married, it felt weird or immature. You can walk away from a fight with your boyfriend or even your fiance, but you took vows with your husband, you’re in it for the long haul, so you make it work. Sometimes you do need space, but when you find out, its silly to fight over the littlest things (which I found was more common prior to getting married). You’re going to fight and its totally normal.
I’m not saying you’re not going to make it since you’re moving in together and getting married at the same time, it’ll just take more adjusting. Its definitely all worth it in the end! It was nice to be able to work out the kinks before getting married, but those kinks aren’t cause for a divorce, it might just be a little more work. Living together and being married is fun, you get to see your Darling Husband everyday and have someone to come home to. Making your home yours is a great experience as well, I loved (and still do since we’re still making things “ours” in our house) deciding on things together for the house. Having dinner together most nights at your house is a nice feeling, I don’t know why, but thats one of the things I love.
Post # 12
We moved in together a little over a year before getting married, but after about 6 years of dating. There was definitely an adjustment period. Our biggest issue was different expectations abotu communication. Like, I would prefer to eat dinner together most nights, when possible, but he was used to just doing his thing after work, going to the gym or out for drinks, and fixing something or ordering in when he got home. So I’d be sitting at home getting hungrier and madder waiting for him, and he just didn’t think of it because with his old roommate, it didn’t matter. So, those kinds of things were hard for us. The chores of course were a little bit of an issue but we kind of naturally fell into who does what (sadly, largely along gender lines, I cook, he takes out trash… but it works!). After a couple of months we both adjusted and it’s fine. We don’t have kids yet, but that will definitely be another adjustment period, especially since I plan to stop working outside the home for a while then. Oh, and we are still working on figuring out finances and the best blend of his/hers/ours type stuff.
Post # 13
@smores! thanks so much for sharing, really good advice.
Your post really made me smile because I will be having my own bathroom too! yay!
Post # 14
@bakeralla Good point! Thanks!
I do not want to clean toilets, but I will be happy to do dishes, laundry, cook, sweep, mop, vacum, but please nooooo toilets!
Post # 15
@cafegirl I will be moving into his place too and I know what you mean, its a total man space. We are going to redecorate but he makes sad faces and puppy eyes, he loves his stuff! But he’s all for making it OURS vs. his which is great.
I too envision having everything moved in and homey before the wedding, not quite sure how that’s gonna pan out, but thats the big plan.
Post # 16
Thanks to everyone for all the helpful information and advice and for offers to PM, dont be surprised if when I get to that point you DO hear from me! LOL!