To those who gave ultimatums, do you regret it now?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m posting because I want to see these responses 😉 

Post # 4
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@IronMango: lol me too. Sorry to not be more helpful, OP, but good question!

Post # 5
Member
676 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I did this to my last bf, pressured him to propose (not really an ultimatum) and I don’t regret it because now I know he wasn’t the one for me. He did propose and the whole things just left a bad taste in my mouth. I wasn’t excited to do any wedding planning, dress shopping was not fun and all because I felt that he only proposed because of the pressure. The whole thing just didn’t feel right. However, he’s an ex for other reasons.

Post # 6
Member
870 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I didn’t issue a traditional ultimatum but I did tell him it was time for him to decide if he wanted to marry me or not and that the answer couldnt be “someday”. We were together 8 years at that point, we were 30 and from year 5 on we had discussions about marriage that would end with him saying “soon” or someday and years went by with no action on his part.    

I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me but he had a mental block about marriage…I think because of his family situation. It was getting to the point where I just needed to know the answer. The only thing I regret is I didn’t do it earlier. It didn’t take away from the excitement of the proposal (although I had worried beforehand it would) I love him and was just so happy he proposed. 

Post # 7
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I moved in with my Fiance before we were engaged on the condition that within 6 months (to the exact day!) we get engaged.  He made it happen, so no I don’t regret it.  It was about compromise (he wanted to live together before being engaged I didn’t want to end up a lifetime live in gf) and being held accountable for his end of the compromise.  I never had a doubt in my mind it wouldn’t happen. 

It didn’t taint anything for us. The entire process was very open. I was with him the day he bought the ring and knew when it was coming. I even saw it when it came in and was wearing it around a few hours before we got engaged. He still managed to surprise me with the engagment, too.  We were away for the weekend and I was convinced he wouldn’t do it then – and he did.  Totally caught me off guard! THe whole process was perfect for us.

Post # 8
Member
4333 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My situation is a little odd, because my ultimatum started as a joke. Darling Husband and I had been together about 5 years when I set it – I was feeling ready to move forward and I told him I was willing to wait until it was the right time for him and for us, but if he didn’t propose by the 10-year mark, I was going to find someone else. (We started dating young, so 10 years was more reasonable for us than it would be for many).

As we moved onto 6 years and we were finally close geographically again, and then 7 years (now living together), I realized I wasn’t kidding anymore – and I talked to him about it.

Exactly 8 days before our 9th anniversary, he proposed.  (Our 10th dating anniversary would be/is later this month.) Do I regret the ultimatum? No. However, looking back, I’m never sure if I would have been able to leave him after 10 years – I’m glad I never had to find out.

Post # 9
Member
1544 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

No i regret not doing it sooner.

Post # 10
Member
3830 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I didnt issue an ultimatum, but i had an internal deadline, and i was an emotional wreck.  I think it took him awhile to realize that his procrastination was killing me. I felt unwanted because we had been together a long time and i felt like my life was stagnant waiting for him. 

I regret the emotional basketcase i was during that time. I know i was a terror to live with. But he has stated time and time again if i wasn’t the one no ulitmatum would work with him. If i told him to marry me and he just didnt want to, he would have left.  

But he proposed, well before my deadline. I think he realized he wanted to solidify things and move forward together. 

Post # 11
Member
9083 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I can totally understand giving an ultimatum if we had been together several years like many bees on here.

I didn’t know love and relationships had an expiration date. I know I’m in the minority here, but I think these “walk dates” or “ultimatums” are absolutely inconsiderate. 100% of the women who give ultimatums would be throwing a bitch fit on this forum if their men gave them the exact same ultimatum, and the majority would be telling them to leave their man for giving them one.

Double standards don’t work in love, but my feeling is, if you were giving someone you “love” an ultimatum in the first place, you don’t deserve to have the rest of their life.

Post # 12
Member
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I gave an ultimatum, but it wasn’t a “walk date”.

I told him that if he didn’t propose by the end of summer (he already had the ring), then I was proposing to him.

I don’t regret it. He proposed August 10th and it was perfect 🙂

Post # 13
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

A distant friend of mine gave an ultimatum, and they ended up breaking up a couple moths before the wedding. He broke it off and said “I never really wanted to marry you, but it seemed to make you happy”

I’m not saying that is the case with everyone, but for that couple it did not turn out well. (Thankfully they never went through with the marriage and had to divorce..)

Post # 14
Member
9203 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I would never give an ultimatum – I love him entirely, so I would much rather be with him and unmarried than leave.  

But, I did tell when roughly *when* I would like to be engaged by, and married by.  (This was after many years together, after years of neither of us really wanting to be married, and then coming around to the idea.)  And sure enough, he proposed within the ideal timeline I had suggested.  So I definitely don’t regret doing that.

ETA: Ooh, actually this isn’t quite true.  I did basically give him an ultimatum about committing to having children.  I told him that I want kids, and I would like him to be the father, but if he can’t commit to that he needed to tell me so I could find someone else.  (This sounds kinda crazy – but we’ve been together for 10+ years, I know he’d be an amazing father, and I know that he doesn’t NOT want kids – he was just a little wary of the idea.)  However, I don’t know if I actually would have left him as he’s basically my 100% dream life partner.  Luckily he decided that having a family was a good life plan, so I didn’t have to find out.  So yes, I’m really happy that we had that conversation!

Post # 15
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee

I never intended to issue an ultimatum, but that’s how it came out. We had been together for 5 years, I had moved across the country to be with him (leaving behind all of my family), and gone through a deployment with him. I felt like I needed that proposal before he deployed again, or it might be time for me to leave. I felt like it was only fair to make sure he knew that……I didn’t want to just peace out if he deployed without proposing, if he didn’t know that’s how i felt.
 

I feel like it tainted it some. I wish it hadn’t come to that, but based on our situation, I felt like I had to be upfront with him. We will move with the military not long after we get married, and I was only willing to move once without being married. 

 I can understand the sentiment that if you love him, why would you issue an ultimatum…..but I don’t always feel like life is that easy. He is in the military, and our life does not sit still in one place. I will move with him and have to give up my job and health insurance and stability, which I will happily do to be with him. But I feel like we should be married when we do that.

All that being said….I also know my guy. And I know he doesn’t respond well to pressure. And he doesn’t do big things that he isn’t 100% sure about. So I know if he was not ready to get married, he would not have spent money on a ring and proposed to me. 

Post # 16
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee

@Swizzle:  “I didnt issue an ultimatum, but i had an internal deadline, and i was an emotional wreck.  I think it took him awhile to realize that his procrastination was killing me. I felt unwanted because we had been together a long time and i felt like my life was stagnant waiting for him. “

This is how I feel right now.

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