Post # 32
Mine wasn’t a “walk date” we picked out a ring together 1.5 years before he proposed. I gave him “either propose or take it back there is no point sitting on a ring that long if you aren’t going to do anything with it.” He was nervous to ask my dad but he needed to jump in feet first. After he talked to my dad I knew because he was completely different the weight seemed to be lifted off his shoulders No I don’t regret it. My Fiance is the type of person reverse phycology works on. What I do regret is helping pick out the ring. When he asked me to do that I should have just told him no that needs to be something you do.
Post # 33
I haven’t had time to read through all the responses, so someone else may have already stated this.
But your sample suite could be (hell, who am I kidding, totally is) biased. You’re on a wedding website. Obviously the majority of people on here are engaged/married so if people on here issued an ultimatum it probably worked out for them because they’re plannning a wedding .
I would assume that the majority people who issued ultimatums and regret it aren’t on this site.
Don’t want to rain on your parade. Just wanted to point that out in case you went away being all “Oh my, it seems like almost nobody regretted giving an ultimatum!”
Post # 34
I told FH while we were dating that if he didn’t want to get married or wanted kids, that he needed to leave then. When we started spending time together again after high school, I was not in the mood for a short term relationship anymore and I didn’t want someone who was not on the same page as I was, but I never gave him an ultimatum on when I expected him to propose. I felt like it would ruin it and I didn’t want to pressure him into proposing.
Post # 35
hahahaha good point Adrianna!
Post # 36
: ( honestly try and be open about it and explain how it makes you feel. I think doing that made my Fiance realize that it was alot more than just the wedding. I didnt even want the wedding i just wanted to marry him and have the security to build our life together.
Post # 37
Oh and I should add my own story into the mix here. I never gave an ultimatum. My (now) Fiance and I had set a wedding month and I had told him that I wanted to get engaged no less than a year away from our set wedding month because I wanted the time to plan and not feel rushed. When a year came, I got a little antsy. I made it pretty clear I was expecting that we get engaged soon, within a month we were engaged.
To be perfectly honest, I still feel bad about the small bit of pressure I put on him. We’ve talked about it many times and his response has always been “if i didn’t want to marry you, I wouldn’t be marrying you” but I know deep inside that when we got engaged (not that we got engaged at all) was determined because of me pressuring him. I know he would have proposed within a few months on his own. I can’t really shake that guilty feeling though.
Post # 38
I didn’t quite give my SO an ultimatum so to speak, but I did make it clear that due to certain things going on in my life, marriage needs to be in our near future. I am going to be a religious leader, so we cannot live together before marriage, aren’t even supposed to spend as much time as we do together before marriage, and if we didn’t get married in the next few years I would have to choose to either give up my relationship or my chosen career. I explained to him that I really don’t want to have to make that choice, so if he can decide before we get to that point whether or not he wants to get married to me and make steps to make that a reality (ie: get engaged) it would make me feel a lot more secure in our relationship and take away that fear I have of our relationship having an expiration date, regardless of how committed we might be.
Furthermore, since we are unable to live together before marriage, I expect that our married life will be completely different than our pre-married life; first because there is a binding legal document that shows exactly what that commitment means, we make vows before our family and friends that show exactly what that commitment means and our day to day interactions with one another will be entirely different as well since we will be living together for the first time.
We’re not engaged yet, and only have a loose timeline set in place so I can’t really say whether I will regret anything. I think openly communicating what my needs within the relationship so that he can consider them as well as his own needs can’t really be the wrong way to go about things. I may know that a proposal is coming, but I don’t know how or when, so I don’t think that will be in any way lessened by open communication.
Post # 39
I think marriage is really important to some people, and I don’t subscribe to the belief that if you love someone you will love them regardless of getting married. I think that we have expectations of what’s important in your life, and if the person you’re with cannot fulfill that need, there is nothing wrong w/walking away to find someone who can meet that need.
Post # 40
I have a walk date, but he has a history of staying in a LTR long past the point where he was sure that he wasn’t going to marry her. He admits that he hates breakups and would choose to stay in a relationship that he wasn’t sure about rather than deal with feeling sad, lonely, and uprooted. He’s also wary of marriage because his parents’ divorce was really painful for him.
My walk date is our 3 year anniversary. The way I put it is that 3 years is enough time to know if we want to marry each other. A breakup would be a favor to both of us if we aren’t ready to commit to each other at that point. I could find someone who is more on my timeline (i.e. the timeline of my natural fertility, I’m 33) and he could find someone who is cool with just hanging out and being girlfriend/boyfriend indefinitely.
I think those who are of the “If you love him, you won’t care if you ever get married” corner are a little naive. It’s normal to want to marry. It’s normal not to want to marry. But when you get one person who wants to marry and one person who doesn’t, you have an irreconcilable difference. You can love someone with all your heart, but that doesn’t mean that they’re the right person for you. Just because I’d walk if our goals aren’t in line doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be heartbreaking. I do love him, but I have to put myself first. I don’t want to wake up at 40 and wonder why I sacrificed my desire to marry and have kids for because his philosophy is that you can’t divorce if you never marry.
Post # 41
I, like many other posters, did not give an “ultimatum” per say. But when my Fiance and I first got together I was very clear that I was looking for something serious and wanted marriage in my future. I told him that at this age (27 & 33 at the time) I didn’t see a point in dating longer then 2 years if we weren’t going to move on to the next stage of the relationship. So for me it was more of a “if we both do not see marriage in our future, lets not waste each others time”. He was on the same page as I was and we are very compatible so things worked out quite well. If we weren’t meant to be together, we wouldn’t be!
I agree with your thinking. Marriage is a natural progression, no need to waste each others time!
Post # 42
I can tell you about a friend of mine who not only issued an ultimatum to her boyfriend (who she had been with for 6 years and they had purchased a house together), but told her friends/family about it. She said she had to tell people about it or she wouldn’t actually leave if he didn’t do it. So, she told him that he had until October 15 to propose or she was leaving (I don’t quite remember how much time this gave him, a couple of months?). Well, guess what, that date came and went, and she still stayed.
She then changed her walk-date and said that instead of threatening to leave, she would just propose to him on the new date if he hadn’t already. Well, eventually he did indeed propose before the new ultimatum-date after they went and picked out the ring together. They are now married with 1 child and 1 on the way.
So I guess things worked out for her, but I always wonder if she looks back on it and thinks “Dang, did he really want to marry me??” Who knows. And like I said, they are a happily married family right now.
Post # 43
When I was 20 (I’m 27 now) I did everything short of giving my boyfriend of 3 years an ultimatum. He did propose and we were happy until things got “real”. We signed a purchase agreement on a house, we looked at wedding venues and all was well… but when it came down to closing on the house and putting a deposit on a venue he couldn’t do it and we broke up. He told me later that he knew he wasn’t ready but he didn’t want to lose me so he proposed anyways. 5 months later our relationship was completely over. Now 7 years later I know he was definitely not the one for me but I also realized that when I do get engaged again I want the guy to be absolutely sure about it and not feel pressured in any way. So I will never push for another ring and I certainly won’t be giving out ultimatums…
Post # 44
@pokie45: I gave my SO the ultimatum, not to marry me or not, but to come clean and tell me if he was ever planning to. His answer: no. We broke up that day. To me, knowing that it was going nowhere was infinitely better than letting it drag on (we were at about 4 years at the time). If I hadn’t pushed it, who knows how much longer it would continued with me hoping for something that was never going to happen. If I hadn’t pushed it, I may have wasted time wondering “what could have happened” instead of being able to throw myself fully into enjoying being single and being open to the possibility of a new relationship. So, I have no regrets other than being sorry that I waited so long to find out.
I don’t think an ultimatum is any more inconsiderate than one partner leading the other on/refusing to address the issue because he or she doesn’t want to lose companionship even though he or she is not willing to be as invested as the other partner wants. Although, I generally think of the ultimatum as an exit/closure strategy. I like to think that it is not necessary in highly functional relationships.
Post # 45
an ultimatum isn’t forcing anyone to do anything. An ultimatum is me saying, honestly, that this relationship no longer works for me as it is. If you’re willing to come with me I would be thrilled. If not, I need to do what makes me happy and that might mean I move on. Honestly, I consider years and years of wishy-washiness a sort of passive-aggressive ultimatum. People are allowed to leave relationships that are no longer working for them. It’s not passive-aggressive or manipulative, it’s simply being true to oneself. If I were a guy I would prefer an honest heads-up, I would not like my girlfriend to just up and leave one day with no notice at all.
That said, I did give an ultimatum of sorts. We were going on 6+ years and I had moved hundreds of miles to be with him. I had already made a statement of committment and years later he was still being sort of meh about the entire thing. So I told him I wanted a future with him, but I was losing hope. He needed to give me a deadline he thought he could propose by and he needed to stick to it. I’m glad I did it because he was finally able to suck up his fears and just do it. He’s now more committed and happy and comfortable in this relationship than he’s ever allowed himself to be.
Post # 46
My fiance and I have been together for 8 years, living together for almost 4 years. He started talking about moving out of state, buying a home and wanting to get a dog. I simply told him that I wanted more of a commitment from him before we take those next steps. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being open and honest about what you want out of the relationship. If the significant other doesn’t care enough about what you want, then you probably shouldn’t be with them anyways.