(Closed) To trust or not to trust? That is the question

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3525 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’d let the text slide…and personally, yeah, I’d wait to celebrate the engagement, but only because I’d feel like a second wife otherwise, lol. But that’s just me.

If you’re really having doubts about whether or not to trust him, though, it might be good to reevaluate whether or not marriage is a good idea. I’m not saying that to be rude or harsh; I just feel that if you HAVE to ask yourself that question, there are other issues that need to be addressed.

Post # 4
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Lily1217: I don’t mean this to be rude, but why wasn’t his divorce final much much earlier than this point? Separated for two years, but this serious about you? It just seems a little.. strange. I’m not trying to attack, I’m legitimately asking why he didn’t pursue this much more, much earlier.

 

I would wait til it’s final, yes.

Post # 5
Member
2548 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Hmmmm, the text thing doesn’t really seem too suspicious, depending on the phone. I know my fiances, will automatically come up with a msg that says, ” Would you like to save msg or delete?” Automatically after reading a text, perhaps his is the same.

That being said, you obviously dont trust him already, considering you are checking his cell phone, so that question is already answered. You should trust him, depending on your relationship, and if you don’t, you need to figure out why, and work on it.

As for your other question, personally, I would wait to celebrate an engagement until a divorce is finalized, but that’s really up to you.

Post # 6
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Mrs. Puffin: ditto what you said. Being ready for marriage less than 2 years after a divorce is pretty suspect to me. Don’t take this the wrong way, but is it possible you were the “other woman” in the relationship, or that his wife thinks you were, and that’s why you have trust issues/this is dragging on?

Post # 6
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@Mrs. Puffin: I dont know the reason for OP fiance, but I do know that it can take years for a divorce if there are a lot of assets to be divided and if one party is trying to contest it or purposly trying to delay.

Post # 8
Member
7366 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Lily1217 :   Just to come to your defense about how long it can take- my divorce was not finalized for 2 1/2 years- sometimes if you have things like kids and property it can just take a long time.  That being said, we waited till everything was finalized to get officially engaged and start planning our life. 

I would not make a big deal about this text message- unless you have other things that make you suspicious.

Post # 9
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Nevermind, sorry. I’ve never divorced/witnessed one so I didn’t know!

Post # 10
Member
3142 posts
Sugar bee

@crayfish:

being ready for marriage less than two years is suspect?  I have to beg to differ on that.  There is no right time or due date when it’s right to re marry.  It depends on the person (s),  and the situation.

OP: Fiance’s ex wife was also a vindictive person and we were afraid she wouldn’t continue with the non contested divorce they were in the beginnings of when we got together. That is really crappy that happened to you. I would def wait until the divorce is final before rubbing more salt in the wound of the ex. It would also be a much nicer celebration for you and Fiance too if he is divorced.

RE: text. Does he usually delete his texts?  If not, I would pry further. If yes, then i wouldn’t worry.

Post # 11
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’d let the text go, you said there are no other indicators going off that there is a problem.  So what if he delete’s his text?  I do that all the time, if i don’t i let them all get clogged up and the phone works sooooooo slooooooowwwww…. ON the other hand why were you checking up on him if you didn’t think there was a problem?

Post # 13
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I refused to let my Fiance even ask me until his divorce was finalized. Oh and we started living together 2 months after his ex wife kicked him out so her lover could move in. So for those who say it is too soon each couple is different. Now on the other hand my Fiance has been one of my best friends for 17 years so it is not like we just met and voila here we are. I had also just gotten out of a serious relationship so according to the rules we should not have made it more than a month, yet here we are almost 2 years later. And expecting a child together no less. And kept it all from his ex until the divorce was finalized so that she wouldn’t throw a wrench in things again. Their divorce would have been finalized years ago if she hadn’t decided that she didn’t want her name drug through the mud for adultery. So we had to wait the separation period out.

To the OP…In My Humble Opinion if you have access to all of his records then check the phone bill and see what it says. It should list who has called and when. If there is nothing else sending off your spidey sense then I would say don’t worry about it. If there are a few other things then I would look into it. I firmly believe in open communication in all ways. Fiance and I live together and split all the bills so we both have access to everything of each other’s. I couldn’t be in a relationship with secrets personally.

Post # 14
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’d wait to celebrate until the divorice is final. When I read this, my first instinct was that it could be the ex-wife texting him, and in order to stop drama before it starts, he deleted it. If it is her, maybe you should wait to celebrate.

 

@StormyRose: I agree, try looking at the phone bill and matching frequent numbers to numbers in his phone already. I’m betting the text was the ex-wife.

Post # 15
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You either trust him or you don’t.  You shouldn’t feel the need to go behind him and check his cell if you trust him.  If you trust him, your mind doesn’t tell you to do that. Can you make the decision to trust him and just not worry about calls and texts?  Even if you don’t ever check his cell again will you stop having the urge to do so?  If so, that is trusting him.  Can you will yourself to stop having that urge?  

Also, I wouldn’t have an engagement party or do anything “official” regarding your marriage to him until after he was legally divorced. 

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