- 5 years ago
- Wedding: August 2014
So I will give you the shortest version of this as I can. (still long, sorry)
I met my college best friend, let’s call her A, the first day of college as random roommates. We lived together all 4 years of college. i have been with my Fiance before I even met A, so all she knows is Me + Fiance. She is a serial dater, never been with someone long-term, and definitely gets around. So we are pretty different, but the friendship seemed to work great. We were the type of friends that would hang out and have “gab” sessions for hours in our dorm room or living room. At one point in time we even had the whole future wedding talk and said “you are definitely one of my BMs” to each other.
After graduation she moved out of state for about 9 months. It was impossible to get a hold of her. I would call her, text her, etc. I felt like I was harassing her because she would never call me back. It was so weird we went from talking daily, due to living together, to maybe talking for an hour each month! And when she would call me it would be ALL about her and drama in her life. “I don’t like my job, I’m breaking up with X, I’m blah blah blah”. Barely would ask me about how I was/what I was up to. What a bummer. Fiance could tell how bummed I was because I thought A was the one college friend that I was taking with me into my future forever. It kind of made me feel like she was trimming me out of her life and didn’t care for me as a friend.
Last semester of grad school was absolute hell for me and she didn’t even know the details of what i was going through. I was extremely upset and depressed over somethings happening at school (all resolved now… phew!). And on a personal note, my Fiance and I were getting very close to getting engaged, which was so exciting. I knew it was coming, we even did ring shopping. And of course A barely had a clue because she never attempted to call or text me.
Now, a little over a month ago she moved back to the area where I live (about 15 minutes away…) and it has been weird. She moved right around the time that I got engaged and to be honest its like she doesn’t know how exciting this is. Maybe it is because she is so dysfunctional when it comes to men (more like boys) and has never done a real relationship herself. We have gotten together twice since she got back and she barely ever asks about wedding planning, our upcoming move, other big relationship things, etc. etc. And it hurts!
Looking back over our friendship we did have a ton of great times and she was a good friend. But never a great friend. I realize now that she needed me more than I needed her. My life was relatively drama free. (I’ve always separated myself from petty girl drama and the Fiance and I have always had a steady relationship – no major hiccups). Whereas, A has been a bit of a hot mess when it comes to ‘dating’ or I should say fooling around. So I was always there to listen to her problems and give advice like a therapist. And those two times we have met up, it was me being a therapist. I know this sounds crazy, but is it too much to ask for my “best friend” to swoon and OMG a bit over my wedding?? Apparently.
Currently, I am more than ready to ask my other BMs if they will be part of my wedding (sisters and a childhood besty). And I am getting antsy to do so. I know you can’t ask a group of people and then months later ask an additional one because it is rude and awkward. But part of me is thinking, what if A changes now that she is back in the area and I want to include her? What if she starts to show interest in my life (1.5 months so far and still not)? How sad will she be when I don’t include her? Its like I can’t give up on her and I know she doesn’t care. What is wrong with me!?
I have always been one of those people who says, do what makes you happy, don’t do things to please other people. Your happiness is the most important thing. And here I am trying to make sure I don’t hurt her feelings. I need to take my own advice on this one, but there is something inside of me (that overly-nice person) that is telling me to wait and see if she changes. Let’s be honest, she won’t. To be honest, she has to know that she isn’t included… I mean come on, BMs are supposed to be those people who support you the most and will be in your future forever.
My Fiance tells me she is not my friend. And I have to agree, but it is like I keep trying to be besties with her. But there is this little part of me that is trying to hold onto something that is already gone.
So I just need to cut the thought of her being a Bridesmaid or Best Man out of my mind and ask my supportive BMs so we can all celebrate!! Right?!?
(I guess I know exactly what i need to do, but I just need to hear that what I am doing is right. )