(Closed) To wait around for a BM or not… probably not.

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
1109 posts
Bumble bee

You are not obligated to ask anyone to be a bridesmaid.  Ask the girls that make you happy and you know won’t stress you out. She’s been flaky throughout your friendship the last couple years, how do you think it’ll be when you’re trying to plan a wedding?? No drama!! If she finda out You asked other people and you didn’t ask her..  Just explain to her your feelings and your doubts and maybe you guys can work it out from there. 

Post # 4
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@pinksprinkles:  You might try and set up a girl’s day or night with her.  Get together, catch up, see where things are. 

I had a somewhat similar situation with a girl I grew up with.  When we were little we lived on the same street, played together all the time and were great friends.  We grew apart in middle school and high school.  We had different friends and didn’t see each other a whole lot.  When she went to college we really grew apart.  She was out partying all the time on campus and hanging out with a bunch of different guys.  I partied, but was much more of a home body.  I have been with Darling Husband since I was 18 (I’m 24 now) so I wasn’t out and about as much as she was.

I did not originally ask her to be one of my BMs.  We had grown so far apart and just didn’t talk much, I didn’t really think anything of it.  My bridal shower was 4 months before my wedding and of course she came.  She gave me a card that was the sweetest, most thoughtful card I have ever received.  It brought me to tears (Still does!) It really made me think about how much I valued her as a friend.  I ended up asking her to get dinner with me a couple of days after my shower and we talked for hours and hours.  I know it goes against all “etiquette” rules, but I ended up asking her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  She said yes, and it brought us so much closer together.  She was one of the most helpful people I had in my bridal party.  We are still in contact all the time and hang out as much as possible.  I don’t regret it one bit.

I know every situation is different, but I just thought I would offer some perspective.  Not every bridesmaid is going to be super involved with your wedding planning process.   But if you think it will be meaningful to have her stand up there with you on your wedding day I think you should consider asking her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

Sorry for the rant!

Post # 5
5956 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@pinksprinkles:  You can highlight the differences between the two of you all you like, I honestly think there’s something about A that you enjoy very much, or this wouldn’t bother you as much as it does.  I get that her unavailability and lack of communication hurt your feelings, and that her disinterest in your engagement and upcoming wedding has left you wondering, but  I wonder if that’s just who she is, and what makes her fun?

I’m a pretty cagey person, if someone is out of sight, they’re out of mind and I’m not one to talk on the phone all the time or e-mail people who are far away…it’s not that I don’t care, they just aren’t here, and I’m a person who works well with and prefers tangible things.

If you like A, for who A is, and don’t expect her to fit into some pre-conceived notion of the perfect bridesmaid, she might bring a really fun and dynamic energy to the bridal party and be a fun reminder of your college years, if it’s just not going to set well with you, to have a bridesmaid that’s less than ecstatic about marriages, weddings and all that comes with it, take a pass and save her for your bachelorette party.

Post # 6
7679 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@pinksprinkles:  When it comes to bridesmaids: when in doubt, don’t. I have read sooooo many stories of brides who asked a girl to be Bridesmaid or Best Man who she was drifting apart from, and it’s a disaster. My advice is keep your bridal party small: sisters and childhood bff only.

And anyway, even if you become close again, you don’t need to make her a Bridesmaid or Best Man. I kept contact with lots of friends while I was engaged, and even talked wedding details with a some of them. We did that because we’re friends. But not every friend needs to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. I only had two BMs: my sister and my bff since I was 10. My 3rd choice (who I didn’t ask because Darling Husband only wanted two groomsmen) ended up helping me with some key parts of planning, and did a reading at the ceremony (but I only decided that about a month before the wedding).

Post # 8
3078 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@pinksprinkles:  I’m glad you’re meeting up with her.  I know every situation is unique, but I like to tell my Bridesmaid or Best Man stories when people have doubts.  I feel like each of my BMs brought something different to the table-1 AMAZING Maid/Matron of Honor, 1 insanely flakey Bridesmaid or Best Man that ditched both my bridal shower and my bachelorette party, 1 Bridesmaid or Best Man going through some kind of crisis and brought her boyfriend instead of her husband as her guest (Mind you I had NO idea this was the case. Long story), 1 Bridesmaid or Best Man that was perfectly fine and down to earth (SIL) and then the one I added last minute that was awesome.  The key is to not let them stress you out!

Post # 9
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Girasole:  + 1

don’t let those absent from your life (purposely, it seems from what you have told us) get the privelge of standing by you on your wedding day. that’s my take on it. 

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