To wait or not to wait ?

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
6409 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I think you need to find someone who shares your cultural values. He has been honest with you that he will probably need 1.5 to 3 years to propose, and if you aren’t prepared to wait, then I’d move on. I would have to take his side in this, though, as I feel that 9 months is a very short time to be sure enough for most people to get engaged. Yes, it does sometimes happen, but if he isn’t ready, it does nothing good for the relationship to force him. 

So give him an ultimatum if you feel the need, but be prepared for him to walk away. 

Post # 3
Member
283 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

You’re clearly both not on the same page. An ultimatum is unfair when he’s been upfront with you that his timeline is 1.5-3 years. It’s only been 9 months. Take your time. You want to be sure this is the person you want to marry. 

You shouldn’t pressure him for a proposal just to appease your family. It seems like you care more about what your family thinks than about your relationship. This is your relationship, not theirs. You should be engaged when it is right for both of you.

Post # 4
Member
2760 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

uncertaindreamer :  eh I think some individuals know pretty quickly. I don’t think there’s an arbitrary time that you must/ should wait.  I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect/ want a commitment within a year given your ages and how much time you spend together. Just  be sure you’re not trying to hasten things just because of family pressure.   If lyou’re absolutely sure he’s the “one”, give yourself a timeframe to decide how long you’re willing to wait for him to decide if you’re his “one” too.

Post # 5
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

uncertaindreamer :  He has told you that 1.5-3 years is his timeline what did you not hear? I just don’t get it. You are going to pressure him into proposing to you because of your parents. He knows how your family is and he hasn’t budged. What your asking is not a compromise. Your asking him to do what YOU want him to do oh I am sorry what your parents want him to do. Your thinking about  giving him an unltimatum on doing something that he doesn’t want to do and how do you think that is going to work out for you? And you have only been together for 9 months omg girl. Good luck with this. You two are on two totally different pages. You need to find someone that is ready to be engaged right away. Don’t force this on this man, you will make a huge mistake. Find someone that is in your “conservitive culture” so it will happen sooner that later. Because it seems you just want to make your family happy and not your boyfriend!!!!!

Post # 6
Member
4481 posts
Honey bee

So why does only your culture matter?  Why should he be the one to “compromise” for your culture? Since you claim to know already and love him “enough” then why aren’t you willing to compromise your conservative culture to his upbringining that values taking his time and getting to know a person more?  You know, since you believe so strongly that when you love someone enough you’ll compromise your own needs and wants for the other person’s culture.

Or it’s only about compromising and proving you love someone enough when it’s the other person bending to you and you don’t have to change?

Either learn how to actually compromise which does not mean one person just gives in to the other and will mean you learning to stand up to your family and being a grown adult who determines on her own terms the status and validity of her relationship…or go find someone from your same culture who you don’t have to strong-arm into an early commitment to please your family and already shares your same beliefs.

Post # 7
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I was still very much in the honeymoon period nine months into my relationship, even still at two years. I knew my wife was the one, but if we had gotten married at that point, I don’t think we would have had a very happy first year of marriage. You know your boundaries best, but pushing for something to get the pressure off from your family may make it seem like you’re less interested in him specifically than you are in marriage generally. His timeline is pretty reasonable from the outside, but if you’re not willing to wait, you’re not willing to wait and that’s fine. A possible compromise could be getting engaged at a year and then married after two? That way the pressure from your parents won’t be so bad but he can still be comfortable and not feel like it was rushed?

Post # 8
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Yeah 9 months is still really early. If it’s a cultural thing, and it’s important to you and your family to respect cultural values, then you likely need to ensure whoever you are with aligns to those. If you don’t feel like he does, then this isn’t something that will get resolved with a proposal.

Don’t rush him. He likely thinks 9 months is far too soon as well. Most lads would. Just assess your priorities – what is most important to you (outside what your family thinks)?

Post # 9
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

You have different cultures. So here are my questions. 

– have you two discussed how you would raise your children when it comes to religion? Are you in agreement about that?

– have you discussed if you two want the same lifestyle? Do you both want to travel the same amount, when you retire someday do you want to do the same things? 

– have you two talked money? How do you spend money and how does he spend money. Is it the same? Would there be conflicts? 

– have you discussed if you would be a stay at home mom or keep working? Do you both agree and want the same plan for that? 

– have you both discussed where you would settle down and live and have a family? Do you agree on this? 

I HIGHLY doubt you have the answers to all these questions and more by 9 months. These are things you NEED to know and have talked through to see if you are a good fit before you get engaged. I think your rushing it based on wanting to be married but without knowing if you two are even a good fit. If your boyfriend had all the answers to know If you were the right fit for him now he wouldn’t be wanting more time to decide. Right now all you two have is love. Love isn’t enough. Love isn’t even half of the equation. 

Dont like waiting longer? Go find a guy who is the same culture and wants the same fast timeline as you. But don’t pressure a guy just to meet some random standard he doesn’t believe in, nor should he have to. 

Post # 10
Member
1614 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I think you need to look up the definition of the word “compromise”.  From your post you don’t sound like you want compromise.  You want capitulation.

Post # 11
Member
1159 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Tacoma, WA

I’m also kind of side-eyeing your version of “compromise” here, Bee. Sorry. I get it that your family won’t really recognize the validity of your relationship until you’re engaged, but so what? It’s perfectly valid for YOU (or, is it?), and that’s what matters. Your reasoning for pushing for a proposal after only 9 months feels pretty flimsy to me, an outsider.

Also, you have to consider how his friends and family will react to him getting engaged to you after such a short amount of time. Especially if you force his hand, which is exactly what you’re trying to do here. Right now, you are dealing with judgement and disapproval from your family, but you may want to consider that a swift, too-fast proposal on his part will put him in the very same or similar position with his.

As for the ultimatum, I think it’s a terrible idea. He isn’t saying he doesn’t want to get married or even that he doesn’t want to get married to you. He has let you know the timeline he feels comfortable with, and I feel like it’s reasonable. If you don’t feel like you can wait 3 years, then have a conversation with him and let him know you’ll want to have serious talks about engagement at 1.5 years – it’s only months 9 away, Bee.

Final thought – do you really want to be engaged immediately so badly that you’d settle for basically MAKING someone propose to you so soon when he isn’t ready and has told you as much?

Post # 12
Member
807 posts
Busy bee

uncertaindreamer :  My thoughts are he is wise for not compromising for you, your family, or your culture. Perhaps you should find someone willing to give into yours and your family’s unrealistic ultimatums. 

Post # 13
Member
501 posts
Busy bee

Nine MONTHS? I started dating my husband when I was older than you are and I freaked out when he started pushing for us to get engaged at five YEARS (and we had known each other for more than a decade before we dated). If his culture is anything like non evangelical or fundamentalist educated America than his family and friends are likely worried as heck and would definitively pressure him to not get engaged. And rightly so.You are in the serious honeymoon phase. You don’t know how you deal with struggle ie life changes at all. I feels like around two years is when most people get an inkling.

He has told you why he is comfortable with and it’s perfectly reasonable. An ultimatum st this point suggests you have deep and fundamental cultural differences so extreme you shouldn’t get married in the first place 

 

Post # 14
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee

While I think it’s possible for some couples to be ready for engagement at 9 months in, I don’t think in your situation it’s a good idea because you’re not wanting to get engaged for the right reasons. 

It seems that you’re only wanting it to please other people- and that’s a terrible reason to jump into such a serious commitment, especially since you’re only 27. You still have several years to have children if that’s a concern, and it’s not going to hurt to spend a little more time together before taking the plunge. You need to really know who you’re marrying.

For a man in his late 20’s, his timeline seems reasonable, and the earlier end of his timeline is not that far off. 

If you really can’t wait, then you will just have to move on. 

But the way it comes off is that you just want to marry someone and not necessarily him since you’re so concerned about your parents’ opinion and putting their opinions ahead of your own.

And that in itself is a sign that you are not ready for marriage yourself- still being under your parents’ thumb and not being fully independent. 

Post # 15
Member
1867 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

It seems like the end goal here is to get married and not build a life with someone you love. Your fiance is being sensible and you’re not. You don’t know someone enough to marry them after 9 months. 

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