To wait or not to wait ?

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 16
16 posts
  • Wedding: September 2020

uncertaindreamer :   I definitely understand that your family is pressuring you, but you have to take into consideration his feelings and timeline as well. It isn’t really a cultural thing if your family simply wants you to get married quick- it’s more of a preference, in my opinion. 

Pressuring him with an ultimatum is NEVER a good idea. Every marriage I know that started with an ultimatum is over. Never good to push them. It’ll be so much more enjoyable when he does it on his own.

Also- just my opinion again of course- but 9 months is a very short amount of time. No two couples are the same so I won’t say it’s too short to get engaged but it’s definitely too short for an ultimatum.

If his timeline is 1.5 years and yours is right now, you two should talk and find a compromise. That’s what marriage is about anyway- communication and compromise. Pick a time in the middle and say okay let’s shoot for (1 year) or whatever you choose. If neither of you will budge, it’s probably not a good sign for the future! 

Post # 18
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Hi, bee.  I am sorry that you are feeling pressured by your family/culture.  I would just add this to the conversation, if you and your SO don’t share the same culture/values regarding relationship status, it is likely that you won’t share the same values regarding many, many things in your marriage.  Before this goes on too much longer, you may have to ask yourself if you will leave your family and cleave to your SO, because it sounds like your family will not budge.

I wish you all the best.

Post # 19
1054 posts
Bumble bee

You need to stop. 

You have to know that your behavior, outside of your culture, is straight-up crazytown. Most people would be nervous about tying themselves to a woman who is pressuring marriage at 9 months. I do not blame him for being negative about marriage. You are ruining it for him. 

I’m also side-eyeing the comments about your culture. Outside of certain ones that don’t consider love matches ideal and focus on more arranged marriages, parents don’t condone getting married to someone you barely know. So what are you trying to do? Are you trying to treat a love match the same as an arranged marriage, in which all that matters is your family background, his job, your ability to keep house? If you want an arranged marriage then have one. Love matches can’t be treated the same. Love blinds you to important issues and prevents you from seeing red flags.  

I would think that at 27 you would be a little more aware of the world outside of your culture. Listen – I have lived in several places where I’ve been surrounded by people of a very conservative cultures and arranged marriages,  and have seen all sorts of mixed culture marriages. When you are dating outside your conservative culture the rules don’t apply in the same way and you have to adjust your thinking. Not insist that everyone follow YOUR culture. 

If you can’t stop treating him as though he’s just a means to an end, then let him go. He deserves better than that. 

Post # 20
1054 posts
Bumble bee

I also want to add that of the mixed culture marriages I’ve seen, a majority of them where the woman comes from the conservative culture end in divorce, because the woman and the parents gang up on the man, pressure him, and insist he become THEIR culture. It’s frustrating, suffocating, and disrespectful. Eventually after several years of unhappiness they either move veeerrryy far away from her family or they get divorced. I’ve seen this happen so many times. 

Mixed culture marriages are VERY difficult. They take a lot of communication and understanding, a lot of REAL compromise. There’s no my way or the highway. I’m betting that if you continue in this vein, even if you get married, you won’t be married for long. 

Post # 22
5409 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

You can’t force your boyfriend to propose because your family live within a very strict and probably religious moral code. It is not his problem that they don’t recognise your relationship after 9 months and that is definitely not a reason to push marriage sooner.

Your family’s opinions should have absolutely no bearing on you getting engaged, your doing your boyfriend a disservice by listening to them more than HIM.

If you think he is stringing you along then by all means dump him but if you continue to date outside your culture then good luck finding another guy in his 20s who is ready to set a proposal date after 9 months. 

Who cares about all the people you know who have got married “within a year”. Frankly most people would not want to get married to someone they have known under a year and your boyfriend falls in that category, that’s all that matters – not your family, not your friends, not your culture.

If you chose to date outside your culture you don’t get to have things your way, there is compromise and giving and taking. All of which are essentiall for marriage and none of which you have mastered yet. 

 “it is worrying to me that he sees it as negative and refers to it as ‘pressure’”

It isn’t worrying, it’s pretty normal. Your family are pressuring you, you said that yourself and that in turn is rubbing off and pressuring him. 

Post # 23
1021 posts
Bumble bee

I think you should move on. Not because he hasn’t proposed, but because I don’t think he SHOULD propose.

I don’t think you guys can get on the same page in a way that will make you both happy.

Your posts give off the impression that as soon as you enter a relationship, you’re immediately waiting out the clock for a proposal to happen, feverishly counting down the months for a proposal to happen by X time. 

Youre treating it like a business transaction…no wonder he’s not happy when you discuss it. 

I don’t really see you mention wanting to marry HIM because you love HIM and can’t wait to start your lives together. You just seem hell-bent on getting married because you’re 27 so you should be married.

Life does not work that way.

You waited a bit longer for him, but I think you waited in vain because your attitude hasn’t changed. You guys are clearly still not ready for the commitment of getting engaged because he’s obviously emotionally not there yet and you’re too immature.

I think you are both too different for this to work.

Normally I’m not one to tell someone to back off/“stop pressuring” but this is an exception. 

I don’t see the love here.

If you really loved him, it wouldn’t matter so much exactly when he proposed within his (reasonable) timeline (assuming he followed thru of course) ie him proposing at a year vs at a year and a half into the relationship. I don’t think you’d be so angsts about it if you were sure about the longevity of your bond. I don’t think your relationship is authentic in that way.

It sounds that he would have proposed within the reasonable timeframe he communicated and he would do it as he was ready, not because you barked orders at him to do it sooner. I give him credit for being up front about this from the start and for not misleading you or proposing sooner just to appease you. 

Im sorry bee

Post # 25
585 posts
Busy bee

If he has says he sees engagement happening in the next 6 months, what’s wrong with waiting those 6 months? 
Think about it like this – would you really be willing to throw away your relationship, which otherwise you’re saying is amazing for getting engaged 6 months later than you wanted? 
Also consider – if marriage in and of itself is a big life goal for you (no judgement, it is for many people) then you’re likely to be engaged in 6 months if you stay with this man. If you break up with him, you aren’t going to meet someone new, start dating and get engaged in the next 6 months. 
I would give him the 6 months, and focus on ways your two life outlooks are going to compromise to meet on other things. Sounds like you have different levels of religious upbringing, maybe spend some time thinking about how that is going to affect your marriage and what you’ll both do to mitigate it. If at the end of the 6 months he hasn’t proposed then it’s time to go. 

Post # 27
1054 posts
Bumble bee

uncertaindreamer :  It’s RARE for couples to get married so quickly. Your perspective is skewed because this is something happening around you, but if you zoom out to look at the greater population you will see it’s a very small percentage. People who get married in order to have sex don’t often have great marriages. Unfortunately, the same cultural pressure that makes them get married quickly is the SAME pressure that makes divorce difficult. That doesn’t matter when one person isn’t part of that culture – they don’t feel the same pressure to stay in an unhappy marriage for appearance sake, so they leave. 

You should not get married because you don’t even know what marriage means. You aren’t mature enough for it. 

Marriage is not about love. Marriage is about seriously considering the person before you, being aware of all of their shortcomings, and deciding to be a partner to them in life. Any person can fall in love, that’s easy and takes no work. MARRIAGE is completely different. Obviously love makes it immensely more pleasurable to join with someone forever, but in a marriage love ebbs and flows. If marriage was about love then everyone would just get divorced when the passion starts to fade as it often does. Love is a changable emotion. Marriage is commitment and collaboration despite that. 

I think it’s highly likely that your boyfriend actually understands the value of marriage. He’s listening to you pressure him and feeling like his feelings don’t matter, that he’s just going to be told what to do by you and your parents, that you won’t stand on your own and will constantly defer to your parents’ opinions. He is learning that he isn’t as respected or as valued. He is considering your treatment and probably feeling that while he loves you, he’s not sure he wants to sign up for a lifetime of that. I wouldn’t either! So if you want to get married, spend some time showing him that you can be a good PARTNER. Distance yourself from your parents a bit to show him that you aren’t your parents. Stop pressuring him to follow the tenets of YOUR culture, and protect him from pressure from your parents. Learn how to set healthy boundaries. Have difficult discussions about how to handle finances, cross country moves, children, religion, culture, retirement, health.

Be someone WORTHY of marriage, and then he will probably propose. 

Post # 29
289 posts
Helper bee

uncertaindreamer :  

I am not sure if you should wait; I’m not sure that the two of you will culturally get on the same page.

We see so many posts on this website about husband’s siding with their families, and the response is “you don’t have an in-law problem, you have a husband problem.” It sounds like you are setting yourself up to be a wife problem, if your family is involved in everything. I understand that culturally that may be the norm for your family, and would be the norm if you married someone in your culture – but if you are hell-bent on marrying outside your culture, you may have to put your FH before your family.

You say you spend every night and every day together, but the main reason for an early wedding is your culture disapproves of pre-marital sex. It sounds like you’re already defying your family, unless you are just “cuddle buddies.”

As PPs have posted, getting engaged at nine months or a year is EARLY. Do you want a wedding, or do you want a partnership? I’m hesitant to comment on your relationship as you’ve posted little detail other than expecting to be married. Sure you love him, but what does a future life look like for both of you? What are finances going to look like? What is parenting going to look like? Do you even want kids? I wouldn’t say nine months to a year is too soon to talk about these things, I’m 8 months in with my boyfriend and we’ve had a lot of these discussions in the general hypothetical, but we also know there is going to be a night of showing each other our finances, budgeting and making a plan before moving in together. Have you had these conversations other than saying you want to get engaged?

If you need to be engaged in the next nine months, maybe ask your family to introduce you to someone who is also only focused on an engagement.

Post # 30
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

If your culture is important to you, you need to marry someone from the same culture. I was in the honeymoon phase with my FH until after I started living with him, which was over a year into our relationship. 

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