(Closed) To Wait or Not to Wait…

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Just a question – Should he propose within your time line… then what? you will date him LD and go to school? you will give up going to school? he will move to where you go to school?

Post # 4
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Have you had a discussion with him about where you want the relationship to go?  He should be aware that you want to get married and also that you are considering graduate schools out of state.

PopRox does bring up a good point.  What will you do if you get engaged?  Would you not go to that graduate school or would you assume that he should automatically move to where you want to go to school?  That sort of thing is something that couples have to decide based on what is best for the whole, and not necessarily the one.

Last year, my husband and I had to move across the country for his job, leaving me with no job.  But we figured that I had a better chance of finding something anywhere we went (and I did, about a year later).  But still, it was a decision made for the best of us as a couple, not individuals.

Post # 6
Member
272 posts
Helper bee

The fall of 2012 is a ways away, and you don’t know for sure what your graduate school plans will be (unless you’ve already applied, been accepted, and have taken a deferment, but it sounds like that’s not the case).  So, why not have these conversations with him again when you’re actually applying for graduate school, and see where you two are at that point as a couple? A lot can happen in the next 18 months, so it seems sort of arbitrary to be setting firm deadlines at this point on the presumption that you will a)still be dating and b)going to graduate school out of state.

Post # 7
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

SeaBee – I know you say that if he proposes, you wouldn’t be dating long term anymore – uhm… yes you would? I hope that you don’t have an expectation that getting engaged would automatically “change” your relationship. It’s ultimately the same relationship with a mutually agreed on goal. (Right now marriage just seems to be your goal)

How do you think he would feel about planning a wedding with you long distance? How would you feel about planning a wedding while dealing with the stress of school? Would he step up to the plate and be more involved and vocal? Have you thought about the implications of what being engaged means to you, coupled with the stressors of 1) school 2) being long distance again and 3) planning a wedding?

I get that he CAN relocate with his job, but will he? 

You’re right – this is all in theory at this point, and you should always be planning your future. You are ultimately responsible for achieving your goals and your happiness.

You have to decide how long is too long. We all have our own individual “breaking points” so to speak.

I personally would take the approach of this.

“Dear SO, I will know in the Spring (or whatever the date is) which schools I have been accepted to and will decide where to go. I would like to include you in this decision, however I can’t see doing so unless we have agreed that we’re getting married. I have set goals for myself, two of them are 1)going to business school and 2) getting married. If you do not see yourself being there right by my side during this period in my life – we need to stop doing what we’re doing so we can pursue our individual goals. I need you to think seriously about how you see yourself fitting in my life, and how I fit into yours, and not today, I mean with our future goals. I know you said that you need time to “THINK” – but I’ve already given you three years to do so, and I want you to be aware that these are the terms I’m thinking along and it would be unfair of me to not let you know”

Then yes give him some space, but seriously, as soon as you get all of your acceptance letters. Choose the best offer for you unless he’s proposed. If he wants to marry you (and hasn’t manned up), he will support your dream of going to School X and will stick by you and make plans to make it work.

However, you have to be prepared to leave the town and familiarity you have now for something completely new. You could be leaving a town and a relationship behind, so make sure you’re ready for that new journey.

I hope I haven’t told you what to do more so than explain what I would do (or think I would do)!

Post # 8
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think for now you should keep quiet about it.  Let him think about it and you will see how your relationship goes in the next few years.  He knows that you are planning to go to school out of state so that won’t come as a suprise to him.  I agree with Cinnamon Roll about waiting to talk about this again until it is close to the time that you are going to apply for schools.

PS – Have you seen Mr. Bee’s Three Step Plan?

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