(Closed) To what extent do you consider in-laws your "family"?

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
316 posts
Helper bee

I think of my Future Mother-In-Law as family, but I don’t even consider the rest of his family to be extended family.  I have only met his mom and his aunt.  His family dynamic is incredibly rough.  So much so that I’m not even sure he considers his own mom to be family :-/  None of his family keeps in contact with each other.  I do my best to keep him in contact with his mother, but I have learned I can’t push that too much. 

I am so glad that him and my parents have a really nice relationship.  He has never felt like family is something you can rely on, so for him to finally have something that feels more like a family means more to me than I could ever express. 

Post # 32
Member
4521 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ve been blessed with great in-laws (both MIL/FIL/BIL and extended family). I would probably consider my Mother-In-Law and Father-In-Law somewhere between my parents and my bio extended family in terms of closeness. I love being around them and we have a great relationship, but they’re not my mom & dad.

I do, however, call his aunts/uncles/grandmothers by their “family” names – e.g., Aunt Nan, Uncle Bob, Grandma. They’ve all been very welcoming, which is nice. (My family has welcomed Darling Husband, too, to be fair.)

Post # 33
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

mus1ca1xo:  I feel the same way. I am extremely grateful to them but that’s it. It’s weird though because I see both of my Brother-In-Law who are married to my sisters as family.  It happened after my nephews were born. Who knows maybe when we have kids it will change?

Post # 34
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

mus1ca1xo:  I dont love my in-laws. They’re fine. My Mother-In-Law is a bit insane but my Father-In-Law is a nice guy but kind of weird. We have surface conversations, but they’ll never know me like my own family knows me. 

Whenever they say, “love you!” I find it extremely awkward and weird and I mumble something back. I don’t “love” them and I’m not sure I ever will. 

Post # 35
Member
3870 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

mus1ca1xo:  Honestly, I don’t really get along with DH’s family except his dad (but even then we don’t have much contact) and his sister (but again, I wouldn’t consider us very close, just friendly). His mother is a bit…off about things. That’s the nicest way I can put it. She’s dramatic, always playing the victim and constantly stirring up unnecessary drama. A couple of examples? DH’s birthday was last week and his mom put up a huge stink about coming to our apartment to have cake…because we didn’t invite her out with us for his 21st birthday (that was just a group of friends)…THREE YEARS AGO!!! Not sure how or why it came up all these years later, but she’s upset by it and is acted wounded. When Darling Husband explained it was friends only, she acted even more hurt and dramatically said, “Oh, I get it, I’m just your mother, not you’re friend.” This is one of probably close to 1000 examples I could give regarding this woman. 

His oldest brother is in the army and married with two kids and they are nice enough, but he and Darling Husband have always had a bit of a strained relationship (15 year age difference) and he barely lived with Darling Husband before he moved out and joined the army. 

DH’s other brother and wife are just…yeah. They aren’t great people at all. They are the type of people where, no matter how much you do for them, they never appreciate it. It’s very, very draining to have them in our lives, so Darling Husband and I made an effort to cut 90% of our contact with them. Even so, it’s always tedious around the holidays. An example would be that for BIL’s birthday, we had a nice dinner, gave a gift, had a good time, but for DH’s birthday, Brother-In-Law couldn’t be bothered to come to any of the activities we had planned that weekend (party with friends Saturday and a family dinner Sunday) with no good excuse other than he and his wife were “busy.” Turns out, they went to a movie instead. It’s all very one sided and Brother-In-Law doesn’t even speak to Darling Husband unless he needs something and they’ve made it apparant they do not like me in the slightest. DH’s SIL and I have a very checkered past, where we used to be best friends and then she literally went CRAZY and now she’s done so many terrible things to me that I can barely stomach to be around her (but will for the sake of my niece). 

Post # 36
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

mus1ca1xo:  It may take some time.

In my situation the husbands family is legit crazy. Almost all of them, so I consider them family by title but emotionally I really am disconnected from them. I havent said a word to my Mother-In-Law since the wedding and I don’t intend on it for a bit.

I think after a while you will blend in a lot more with the family. The more holidays, birthdays and time yous pend together it will become more fluid.

Post # 37
Hostess
3890 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

 

mus1ca1xo:  I adore my in-laws!  Fiance and I have been together nearly a decade so I think it’s a bit different for us.  They are absolutely family to me.  Of course I’m closer to my immediate family, but I’m more close/comparably close to my FI’s family as I am with my extended family.

Post # 38
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee

mus1ca1xo:  I’ve been with my husband for over 6 years and definitely consider his family to be part of my family, not necessarily in the same way as my own siblings but I am.much closer to my in laws than I am to any of my extended family (aunts, uncles, cousins etc). I am so lucky to have a second family that I get in so well with

Post # 39
Member
268 posts
Helper bee

I’ve been with my fi six years, and his family is family 100%, despite sometimes tension with his mom.  It could be because we were young when we got together, but she honestly does feel like a second mom to me, and when my brother died she was more supportive or caring than my own mom had the capacity to be at that point.  I’m so greatful that she’s come into my life and accepted me as her own!

I knew I was family maybe two years in when fi’s grandma died, and I showed up at the church alone, and she came and grabbed me and took me to the front pew to sit with them and said “you sit with us, you’re family and grandma loved you”. 

But it’s still super weird and uncomfortable for me when she kisses me because my own family never kissed.  I realize she’s showing affection the way their family does, but it’s just not totally normal to me yet!

Post # 40
Hostess
4031 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Hoo, boy. My IL situation will probably make your head spin. I have been divorced for 10 years, but still have a very close relationship with my XIL’s. They are very much like my parents, probably because they have been in my life since I was a teenager, and for a big period of time I lived much closer to them than my own family. They have helped me with my children in a million different ways and are amazing grandparents. They are still very much my family, and my SO knows this and totally understands (thank goodness!) As for my soon to be new IL’s, we are getting there. My son recently told me he would like to start calling Future Mother-In-Law  “grandma”, and I told him that was fine. We are figuring out how we fit together and making our way toward becoming a family, which I think is very important to all of us. 

Post # 41
Member
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I love and accept my ILs as family 100%. They of course dont feel as close to me as my own parents, more like extended family. But they are definitely in my heart as family. Same with all of DHs cousins and aunts/uncles (they live locally). I love them. I struggle with his brother because hes an asshole, TBH. But I pray to find a place in my heart for him regardless.

Post # 42
Member
1204 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I’ve been with Fiance for five years and they have always made an effort to spend time with me both one-on-one (or one-on-two) and invite me to all their family outings. They also call/text me regularly. All around, they’re great people and are pretty much like another set of parents to me. What a relief to finally be making it official!

Post # 43
Member
3611 posts
Sugar bee

Maybe outer-ring extended family? Idk, we’re not close. I’m actually very close with my extended family, so I can’t even say they are like extended family to me, lol. They live far away, they aren’t as close with my Fiance as my parents are with me, and I don’t have anything in common with them except my Fiance (and as much as I love him, it gets boring AF to talk about him for hours on end). Since I’m so close with my family, I pulled my Fiance into the fold early in our relationship, and now he’s close with my immediate family and has a warm relationship with my extended family. The same never happened in reverse. I don’t mind though, keeping a pleasant distance and seeing them 1-2x a year is perfect.

Post # 44
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Yeah, I am willing to make sacrifices for them – they’re family. I don’t look at them so much as who they are to me, but who they are to my husband. He’s my family, and we make decisions together, so it’s only logical that we prioritize both sets of parents.

Post # 45
Member
1579 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

mus1ca1xo:  To me, they are like the second tier of extended family. They aren’t on the same level as my parents or sibilings nor are they on the same level as my aunties and grandma that I absouletly love. I don’t dislike them but I don’t adore them either. Since it’s just his dad and brother and has only been 3 (very stubborn) guys for the longest time, I definitely have to take on a stronger, demanding, more in-control, decision-making role when I’m with them compared to being with my family. I think I get painted as a bitch because of it (especially by the BIL), but if I don’t stand up for myself, I’ll get walked all over and I’m not cool with that. The hubs tries to help me, but he’s gotten less stubborn from the years with me (as have I), so he gets walked over slightly sometimes too. So, I’ll keep the RBF ready and do what I need!

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