(Closed) Today I caught my fiancé lying about talking to his ex :-(

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
2879 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

angryandhurting: oh dear. The way you say it seems like he’s protecting her. Not wanting to bother her? Not wanting her to think you’re crazy? Idgaf if someone else thinks I’m crazy. You deserve to know the truth both for yourself and your pregnancY. Think about what you’re willing to live with. You’re stronger than you know. 

Post # 3
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

angryandhurting:  The syncing thing has happened to me so I will give that one… I find it a bit odd they were talking but if my dh found out an exs father had cancer, I wouldn’t stop him from wishing them well as long as it kinda ended at that.

To me it is that he deleted the messages that would bug me, my dh has a girl who whenever she is single tries to have inappropriate conversations. I struggled with it for a while but he has always allowed me to read everything. He obviously had no clue she was flirting and would continually mention me, she has finally stopped contacting him. I would take a little time to cool off and discuss with him your concerns about the messages being deleted etc when you are both calm.

Post # 4
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

angryandhurting:  You deserve to know the truth… and it doesn’t sound like he is being truthful. I’ve been in a smilar situ before and found out my ex cheated on me profusely (only difference was I wasn’t marrying the guy or pg). It’s not a good sign when men are secretive with his phone. Does he get itemised phone bills? This was how I caught my ex out. I really think you should probe further as this is sounding very suspicious to me. If there was nothing in the message then why delete it before even reading it? If he’s not hiding anything he would show you everything and not bat an eyelid. Already he’s told you too many lies about it so who knows what else he is hiding. And who cares if she does think you’re crazy…(that would be my words to him) you’re about to commit your life to someone who you don’t know if is trustworthy or not. He should be more worried about your relationship than whether some woman thinks you’re crazy or not.

I really and truly hope it is nothing 🙁  xx

Post # 5
340 posts
Helper bee

This guy has been deceiving you and is continuing to do so.  He keeps changing his story to give you the bare minimum information he can get away with.  If this had happened to me, the only way I could get over it is if he was completely open with me until I trusted him again – that means access to his phone, facebook and whatever else until I felt comfortable again.

Post # 6
1634 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

There are very few phone numbers I know. Lover’s and my mother’s are two.

I had an ex try to pull something like that over his current Girlfriend. He got a new number. Called me to give it to me. The Girlfriend believed somehow, some other way I got his number. This sounds very young and childish.  We were in college at the time so 20, maybe?

This whole thing “swear on my life” and then coming clean. WTF?! I don’t do well with liars. When people lie it removes their partner’s ability to choose for themself if the relationship is worth it. Ignorance is not bliss, it’s foolish.

You don’t know what they said. You don’t know if he is lying about the dad having cancer. You don’t know if it started with a sync. You don’t know how long they have been communicating. What you do know is he lied and tried to cover his tracks. What you do know is he didn’t want you finding out that he was still talking to her after he agreed not to.

Here’s my things with exes…we are no longer friends. We are no longer each other’s emotional support. You have to find thay support elsewhere. I dare not jeopardize my new relationship for one that soured. He’s in the wrong big time.

So decide for yourself knowing the bits you knowdo you want to stay?

Post # 7
1634 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

BtoR:  that’s the thing about an ex with big news you share it with your current partner.  “Amy called me today…” “Really, why?” ” her dad has cancer.” “Oh wow. That’s awful.” ” yeah. He was a fun guy. He’s in chemo now” ” how’s she doing?”  “Good I guess.” Everyone is informed. Not that hard to do. No hard feelings.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by  CurlyCue.
Post # 8
22 posts

Nothing can’t be resolve in a one-on-one, face-to-face, honest and serious conversation! 

Post # 9
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

My SO has an ex who he dated for 2 years before us and she has made attempts in the past to rekindle things, but he has 0 interest and has made that very clear to her in his own conversations with her via text/fb message. Whenever my SO receives texts from her (usually birthday wishes for him or his family members), I am allowed to ask questions and see all conversations without being called “crazy”, or him saying I’ll “freak out”, or in any way trying to minimize my feelings on the matter. He has no qualms about telling me when he’s run into her in person at Costco or whether she has contacted him, because he harbors no romantic feelings for her and feels there is nothing to hide. I would be concerned that your Fiance is the opposite and might be getting cold feet or he still harbors feelings for his ex. This is not the behavior of a man who is over someone and ready to move on with another woman by taking such a huge step like marriage and having a child. He should allow you access to all mediums of communication: email, facebook, text, whatever, until you feel secure again. If he truly has nothing to hide, then he should prove it instead of minimizing your feelings and covering his tracks.

Post # 10
1089 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

If that’s truly all he spoke with her about he would be eager to prove it to you and show you the messages.

Post # 11
9782 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

this is so tricky. I think you need to make yourself 100% clear that you are NOT OKAY with him keeping in touch with exes. It is just not apporpriate anymore- especially behind your back. He needs to agree to that.

I had problems like this in the beginning of my relationship. His ex would.not.stop.calling. and he “didnt want to be rude”. I made it clear: everytime you engage- its rude to me and I expect transparency. Luckily he really didnt want anything to do with her.

side note:


Post # 12
578 posts
Busy bee

The lying is definitely not okay, but he might not be lying about all of it. When I got my most recent new phone, I let my gmail contacts sync with my phone contacts, and it added all of these numbers I had forgotten had been stored – because they weren’t on my last phone but had been stored in my gmail contacts, which I never look at or think about – I had to delete names/numbers of people I hadn’t thought about in years so I wouldn’t accidently call them while trying to call someone else. So the phone syncing thing really can happen.

If his ex’s dad really did have cancer, I also think he should get a pass. That’s one of those situations where you have to rise above it all and let him give his condolences. It would have to be one hell of a falling out to make me not want to give someone a little verbal comfort at a time like that.

But he absolutely shouldn’t lie to you about any of it. The ‘swearing on his life’ thing and then later admitting he was lying tells you that his word is really not that meaningful and that sucks and you guys are going to have to talk that out. I’d be much, much more upset about the lying than the talking to the ex.

Post # 13
1420 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

soy:  This.  If it was innocent conversation, WHY would he jerk the phone away and delete the conversation?  So he could fabricate a story and not have to show you the actual conversation.  


Post # 14
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

CurlyCue:  I agree. If you dated for awhile and broke up amicably, its more of an FYI because you knew my family.. nothing scandalous, nothing to hide.. but he hid it. I’d be weary of that, you don’t delete a simple, platonic exchange..

Post # 15
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

angryandhurting:  sounds shady.  he’s hiding something.  He went into defense mode and tried to make it your fault because you’d “freak out”.  Cheaper to cancel a wedding than go through a messy divorce.  Keep us updated!

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