- 5 years ago
Hi everyone. I’ve been a frequent reader for some time, and have found lots of great advice through reading other people’s threads, but have never posted myself. However, today I found myself in a situation where I need some non-biased advice. I’m set to get married in 3 weeks, to a man I’ve been with for 3 years. I’m also 9 weeks pregnant.
Before we started seeing each other, he was dating a girl for several years. From what he’s told me about her, she had a hard time getting over him, and tried several times to get back together with him. She even wrote him a lengthy, dramatic letter once she found out he was dating someone new. We had been dating for a short time, when I happened to over see a conversation he was having on facebook with a friend. I was sitting next to him and saw her name in a message, which caught my eye. He said “Yeah, ____ (me) is great, but I miss ____ (her)”. Obviously I was hurt and upset, and being a new relationship, I was skeptical about accepting behavior like that. However, he was genuinely remorseful, and apologetic, and we had a very strong connection with each other, so I forgave him after a few days of being upset. He swore he would never talk to her again, knowing she was a sensitive subject for me.
Fast toward a couple years, to today. We were in bed together and he opened up his phone to check something, and there was a message from this person. He quickly pulled the phone away before I could see what it said, and deleted the conversation. He claimed several times that it was from his friend “James”, not his ex girlfriend “Jayme”. I told him I knew he was lying, and he continued to deny it. He looked me in the eyes and “swore on my life” (which I think is childish, but I guess it was meant to show how ‘honest’ he was being). After a few more minutes of pressing him, he admitted it was her, BUT had no idea why she was texting him, or what it was about. I became extremely upset and started questioning him. He then informed me that he was only talking to her because he found out her dad had cancer and was wishing them well. I questioned this, because I had deleted her number from his phone well over a year ago. He claimed that it just showed back up when he synced his phone. He also claimed that she initiated the conversation first, well over a month ago. He’s gotten a new phone number since they last (according to him) spoke. How did she contact him? He had also deleted the entire thread of messages between them, leaving no way for me to believe any of the story. When I asked him to give me her number so that I could verify his story, he refused. I asked him to message her from his phone, and to ask for a screencap of their conversation. He refused to do that as well. He said “I’m not going to bother her with this” and “I don’t want her thinking you’re crazy”. This has all left me very upset and not sure how to best handle the situation. And I believe that there must have been more to their conversation then just the one or two texts about her father. It just doesn’t add up to me.
I know I may be overly sensitive at the moment, due to the pregnancy. And I know that I am definitely sensitive about things regarding this specific person. It’s not him talking to her that has me most upset, it’s him lying about it. And justifying it by saying “I lied so you wouldn’t freak out” or “it was close to the wedding and bad timing”, and “you wouldn’t understand”. I have a hard time believing things unless they are a provable fact. And our relationship has had some seriously rocky parts, even within the last few months. I’m scared to start a marriage with this hanging over my head. I don’t want to constantly be wondering what he’s hiding, or if he’s lying to my face about something. Above all, I feel really betrayed.
Any advice is much appreciated :-/