(Closed) Today I caught my fiancé lying about talking to his ex :-(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee

Stop using other people as a scapegoat and putting the blame on them when it is YOUR life and YOUR decisions that is screwing up your life.

I’m sorry if I sound harsh, but girl you really need some serious tough love here.  You say this man loves you and that overall he is a great guy.  I’m sorry to say but this man does NOT love you.  A man who TRULY loves a woman would NOT be texting other women behind her back and then making her feel like absolute sh*t when she asks him questions about it.  If he TRULY cared about you and loved you, he would be doing everything in his power to make you see that he wasn’t cheating on you and would gladly offer up all of his phones/ipad/passwords/logins, etc. so that you have full access to all of his personal affairs.

On top of that, you are pregnant with his child (actually I don’t remember if you mentioned in your OP whether or not your Fiance was the father) —- he should be even MORE protective of you. A real man would do everything in his power to help you and make sure you are taken care of. 

When you get married, you become one — therefore there should be NO secrets between the two of you – everything should be an open book.  That is absolutely ridiculous that whenever you go through his stuff you always find SOMETHING where you discover he has lied to you and went behind your back.  SERIOUSLY?!  WHY are you with a man who has so many secrets from you??   I’m sure all the bees in loving relationships would agree with me when I say that my fiance is a complete open book with me, and I have complete access to all of his accounts/phone, etc. so there are absolutely NO secrets between us.  If I were in your shoes, I would go absolutely bat-sh*t crazy with all of the lies and secrets, and the fact that he turns everything around and blames you when he did the wrong.

If there are lies, secrets, deception, and manipulation — by covertly putting the blame on you and never acknowledging your pain, then it is NOT a real relationship.  The two of you are in an imaginary relationship — how you see the relationship and how he sees the relationship are completely different.  Woman to woman, I would really encourage you to cancel this wedding.  Yes, it is embarrasing and yes you might get some grumblings and pushback from your family — but WHO CARES.  This is YOUR life.  If you screw it up, no one has to live with the consequences except you.  So let your family b*tch and complain about the cancellation.  A cancelled wedding is far better and easier to live through than trying to go through a divorce.

For the sake of your child, your unborn baby, and especially for YOU — please rethink this relationship and KNOW that you absolutely deserve FAR FAR better than the bullsh*t this man is putting you through.

 

Post # 32
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You DO NOT need to go through with the wedding.  Your grandparents want you happy more than they want to see a wedding that will make you miserable.

You DO NOT stay with him just because you are carrying his child.

You ABSOLUTELY DO NOT stay just because of your son.

Been there, done that, BIGGEST MISTAKE EVER and unraveling later is a heck of a lot more problematic than postponing now.

You likely can’t get text conversations BUT you can see text history on bills, etc.  You can see how long he’s been texting her and how often though it really doesn’t matter.  he’s lying, he’s deflecting and he is NOT loving, respecting or honoring you!  Is this what you want your son to think is acceptable for his future relationships?  Stand up for you, a strong mother who takes care of herself is the best gift you can give any child.  Start with the one you have and prepare for the one you are carrying but I agree with other PPs, you have options for the current pregnancy.

Post # 33
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

prahajess:  There’s nothing wrong keeping in touch with you exes if you’re not trying to hide them, if you know what I mean. It’s all about being out in the open so your partner can trust you.

It’s when one decides to hide, then you know they are up to something no good.

Post # 35
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Idk how your phone company works, but with mine (AT&T), they can send you a list of every number and every time a certain number has been texted and from what phone. My dad does this with all of his younger children’s text messages to know what times of the day they are texting and what numbers they are texting. It doesn’t say what the message says, just the number and the time of day for each message (sent and recieved). I would recommend you doing this to see how many texts your Fiance was exchanging with this girl. If it was 10 texts over the course of a month, no big deal. If its 200 texts, I’d be furious….but either way, if you are thinking about marrying this man, you deserve to know the truth.

Also, I am sorry to hear that he has always been secretive with his phone and that every time you look at it you find something he has been dishonest about. That tells me that 1. he is doing something dishonest, since he is so secretive about it. If you have nothing to hide, there’s no reason to hide it. and 2. that there are trust issues going on (obviously).

I’d check the phone records and proceed from there. I am so sorry this is happening.

Post # 36
Member
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

 

Your grandparents will understand if you explain the situation to them.  You’ll probably find that they want you to be happy and have the best of everything over a lying cheating fiance any day.

Your son will understand as he grows up.  You will have to tell him what’s going on the right way… I bet there are lots of bees who could help you with that.

Your unborn child (if you decide to continue with the pregnancy after breaking up) will grow up in a happier, healthier home if you leave their father now.  If you don’t they’ll probably see that it’s cool to treat women like shit and to lie and cheat for your own selfish reasons (or that it’s ok to be treated like that if it’s a girl).

Why do you want to stay with this man so badly that you blame your grandparents, son, and unborn child for wanting to marry him?  You’ve repeatedly caught him not being truthful, yet you ignore that because you just don’t want to see it or know about it.  Why is that acceptable to you?  He’s been lying to you your whole relationship (based on your post)… do you really know this man?  If he loved you so much or was such a great guy, why would he lie to you and ignore your feelings like this?

Please don’t marry him.  At the very least tell him you want to postpone the wedding because his recent behavior and secretiveness has made you question his loyalty and love for you.  I had already mentally dumped him when you said that he had told his ex he would rather be with her in the begining of your relationship, but that’s because I refuse to be the one they’re settling for or their second choice AT BEST.

Don’t make someone a priority if to them you’re only an option.

Post # 37
Member
40 posts
Newbee

WOW, you are in a tough position.  If it were me, I would feel the same way.  I would speak to her.  Don’t do it behind his back, but tell him you are going to talk to her.   You need to know if there is more to this story and you need to know quickly.   You have a child on the way, and about to make a committment.  He needs to know that you and the baby are his priority and you are not crazy or emotional, you deserve to know the situation.

Post # 38
Member
40 posts
Newbee

“Because you wouldn’t understand”  That is such a big statement.   What kind of relationship can you have with this person?   There are loads of bees that also don’t understand.  He should not be in touch with her at all unless they have kids together.   Do not go through with a wedding for the sake of others.   Get yourself some counselling, someone who can walk you through why you don’t trust him and want you need from him to be able to move on (if at all possible)

Post # 39
Member
773 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

angryandhurting:  If it was me and I look him right in the eye and quote the wedding vows you are about to take in 3 weeks time. Especially the part about forsaking all others. Then (while staring right into his eyes) I would tell him how seriously I intend to take that vow and let him know if he doesn’t take it as seriously, he needs to tell me right now so the whole thing can be called off. If he has any doubts in his mind, now is the time to say. 

His reaction will probably tell you all you need to know. 

Post # 40
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

angryandhurting:  When a third party told me that my ex was cheating on me, I confronted him and of course he denied it. I asked to see his Gchat conversations with the girl to prove it, but he refused because he had something to hide. I got copies of the conversations from the same third party and guess what, they discuss the explicit details of all the sexual crap that they did together.

Point is, we’re all entitled to our privacy and your Fiance may just be more private about his stuff. But in a situation like this, he should be able to show you the text messages and whatever else to give you reassurance. Right now he’s valuing his “relationship” with the ex over your comfort and security when you’re going to be his wife. You should postpone your wedding, at the very least, until you can figure out what’s going on and decide what you want to do. Good luck!

Post # 41
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

angryandhurting:  he put himself in a position where your trust in him was shaken – by lying to you, and then deleting those texts. I would be immediately contacting this girl and letting her know everything you just told us here, and asking her straight up if something is going on. Ask her for a screenshot of their texts too. Why would you care if some random stranger thinks you’re “crazy”? I know I wouldn’t in your place.

Post # 42
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

  angryandhurting:  also: I think your grandparents would understand if you looked them in the eye and told them he was having inappropriate contact with another woman – which he is. Face it, if the conversations were innocent – “I’m sorry about your father” “thank you” etc – he wouldn’t have deleted them.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by  nightborn.
Post # 43
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

 

prahajess:  +1 – totally fine to be in touch with exes as casual “hi how are you?” friends is fine, but the lying and the deleting? shady.

Post # 44
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2006

Sorry but I think he has strong feelings for the ex and you were possibly a rebound. He said it himself when you first started dating, “__is great but I miss __.”

Post # 45
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

angryandhurting:  

He’s very clearly lying and covering his tracks. So- apparently you cannot trust your Fiance to tell you the truth.

What you do with that is up to you.

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