Post # 61
Thank you ladies.
I don’t know what I’m doing. My parents came over today to help with yard work.. Brought a whole bunch of people with. I don’t wanna be around people. I don’t wanna be around happy married couples, my world just ended and nobody gets it. I might be writing to help myself and I hope that these posts are never needed for anyone else to kind of see what happens but I guess if I help one person than I have done some good.
I don’t have a good support system around me. I don’t have any close girl friends to lean on, my parents simply try to make me feel normal and “stop” the tears. Well the tears help. Yes this sucks, this really really sucks. I don’t wanna deal with it anymore. I just wanna fall asleep and never wake up, I want to be with him. Not here alone, all these thoughts going through my head. How he will never be called daddy, how he will never get old, watch new movies with me, watch our doggies get older, be here to make funnies at the different shows, he won’t be reading the news to me anymore and we won’t be debating our future kids lives. I don’t get it. Why my husband? Why my sweet husband, who did no harm to anyone… He is so smart, he would have changed the world. There was so much that we still needed to do.
Yes, today is beyond difficult. Baby, I miss you so much my entire body hurts, I miss your laugh you kisses and your annoying comments. I think I miss the annoying comments most. Please come back. I love you my love. You are my life.
Post # 62
Ending your own life is not the answer. I’m sorry you feel like your real life social support is lacking. Have you been interacting with his side of the family? Please know that us weddingbees are here for you! I really think it would be helpful to reach out to a healthcare professional. Your primary care provider is a great resource. Please get help now.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255. There is also an online chat option.
Post # 63
thank you. I am not in any way suicidal. Although death doesn’t scare me anymore and I use to be scared of death. I would not take my own life. My sweet husband would not want that. I have scheduled an app for tomorrow with a grief therapist and one on Wednesday with a pastor. I am reaching out where I can. I am trying to explain to my family that thier pushiness ismy helping. And my husband and I had no relationship with his aode of the family, and I mean none. So I cannot search for comfort there. Let’s just say that during the funeral they kept telling me that my life will go on and in a few months I will forget him. That’s not the case. This wasn’t a fling, this is the love of my life. I need to grieve on my own. In my own way, I understand that much.
Post # 64
As a parent of adult children I can only imagine that I would want to do ANYTHING to see my baby girl smile a little. It’s misguided and annoying, but done out of love. I hope your parents fall into a pattern of allowing you to grieve as you need to soon. Sending you peaceful thoughts for such a tragic journey. So many hugs coming your way.
Post # 65
I don’t often cry reading posts, but this broke my heart. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and I hope you take some comfort in knowing how much you love each other.
Post # 66
Another day has passed. Another day I didn’t hear your voice, I didn’t see an I love you text, I didn’t kiss your lips on your way out or in the door. I went to see a therapist today, it feels like it helped and yet it didnt bring you back. I feel like there is a huge hole in my chest, that’s where you are supposed to be. I am smarter today because I finally have some options about the house, all the medical bills, credit cards.. And I feel like you’re trying to take the financial burden off of me.. And yet I feel like I’m cheating by being given the easy way out. You believed in me, you always told me that you did. You always told me you were proud of me, every new account I got, no matter how small you celebrated with me. And now what? do I walk away from what we started to build? Do I struggle and continue building? I need your legacy to live on, I need people to know how amazing you truly are. The world needs to know what it has lost. I’m searching for meaning, I’m searching for something and I’m not sure what. I just want one more kiss, one more hug, one more giggle, I want to lay in bed next to you and lay my head on your chest thats all I want. They can take the house, take the cars, take the business take everything I dont care. I know you’re probably looking out for me now, making sure that I’m alright… But that’s not what I want. I want you. I need you. Financial burned on not, it doesn’t give you back to me. It doesn’t make things better, yes it lets me focus on me and my grief.. But that’s not what I want. I want you! Here with me! I would give my life for you to be here right now. I would give everything to have you in my arms. I want you baby, I need you. Please come back. Smile one more time, hug me and kiss my lips one more time. Just please come back. This life has no meaning without you. How can I chase our dreams if you’re not here to enjoy them with me. what can I do to make your legacy live on? the world really needs to know how amazing you are! How precious you are, how much you mean to me, how smart you are how much you are capable of. Baby, I love you to the moon and back Infinity and beyond. Please come back.
Post # 67
I am damn near sobbing, reading this so I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now. I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope putting your feelings out there brings you some sort of peace.
Post # 68
This is so sad, I’m so sorry bee. It is great that you are expressing your feeling, even if it is only on this forum. Please continue to do so when you can, it will be helping you more than you realise. I’m thinking of you.
ETA: I’ve just read your update and it made me cry. You have a wonderful way with words and expressing your feelings, it is beautiful and sad at the same time.
Post # 69
Thank you for all your replies. I guess I would count today as a good day. I guess. I couldn’t get off the couch at my parents until about 1:30pm.. After that I had some things totaled care of.. And to avoid traffic I had the gps avoid highways.. We’ll think I went on the scenic route of our lives. I drove from our current home, right by where we first lived together, by the church where the funeral was held, by our old Chicago apartment and finally by my old place of work where it all started, the long texts, phone calls and letters. I don’t know if that was you baby, but it was hard.. I cried a little bit.. Laughed a little, tried to stay busy by talking to people.. That didn’t really distract me. I don’t know how I feel. Is it weird that I don’t miss the texts and phone calls? I miss Karl. I miss his hugs, his laugh, his plans, his tattoos, I miss his touch, his lips, his eyes, he’s annoying comments. I smiled as I wrote annoying comments. I know I have to survive, but if I could I wouldn’t get off the couch. I haven’t slept at our house yet because I’m scared. I spend my days between my parents and our house and sleep at my parents. I feel like when I’m around ppl I come off as a total b****.. When people ask how I’m doing I either say not too good or that I don’t know. I realize I need to deal with this. I realize that I need to somehow someway move forward, but damn walking up the stairs to pay the bills seems like climbing Mount Everest. I’m going to see a priest on Friday, and I feel like I’m going to start going to church on a regular basis. I feel like I need to give your soul an extra boost and I need to get myself together to finish building what we started. I want the world to know how amazing you are, how kind, how big your heart is. You need to leave a legacy baby. I hate this new normal of mine. Hanging out with my parents.. We could of been in bed right now talking about the millions of things we use to debate and laugh about, watching stupid tv shows. Talking about your work. Making plans for our home. Snuggled up on your chest. Baby you weren’t perfect but you are perfect to me. I just want one more hug, one more kiss.. Five more minutes of your most abnoxiois jokes. I want you to play with our fur babies and let them lick your face. I know they miss that. I sure do. I feel kind of angry at you, that you’re not here. That you left me all alone.. I don’t know how to deal with this baby. One minute I’m crying, the next I’m angry, 3 minutes later I’m telling myself I can do this, and then I feel guilty and I go back to crying and missing that sweet face. I’ve felt all those emotions as I write this. Am I going crazy? Is this normal? I don’t know anything anymore. I lubbs you my sweet booboo… I don’t wanna do this on my own.. I sleep hugging your urn, on my parents couch and panic if for a second I place it anywhere away from where I can see it… I just don’t know.. My chest hurts… And then I go back to “I got this” mode. Oh how I hate that. I can’t even watch our tv shows.. I feel stupid that I even tried. I drive with no radio on because I’m scared a song might come on that will send me off the deep end. I ask once again, am I crazy? It doesn’t feel like I miss you, it feels like a part of me is completely missing. Like there is a huge hole in my chest that makes me wanna puke.. So it’s like one minute I miss those kisses and then I get scared that I don’t remember what they feel like, then I’m scared that maybe I don’t miss you, and then the pain in my chest comes in I wanna throw up and panic, and run into your arms. Run on to our bed and have you come and try to tickle me.. Or walk into the bathroom and try to have a deep conversation while I take a bath.. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know anything. All I know is that you are the love of my life, I love you and I want to be with you right now.
I wanted to update everyone. I’ve been trying to write on widda. But I feel a little safer here. I don’t know why. I want my husband.
Post # 70
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband, the father of my kids, 2 1/2 years ago. I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy. You will be in my thoughts and prayers
Post # 71
Have either of you looked at Carole Brody Fleet on FB?
A close friend recently experienced the sudden and unexpected death of her dear spouse. A wonderful, caring compassionate gentleman, she was devestated, and we, her friends, feel and felt every heartache with her, but of course can’t truly understand her suffering.
I don’t really know who found Carole Brody Fleet, but her comments are a real blessing to those of us who have experienced tragedy. I hope that you both find her comments a help in thinking your way through what has happened to you.
You have my most sincere sympathy.