Post # 1
Mr. Tacos was gone for the weekend and returned last night. It was truly wonderful that he came home, but sometimes I feel sad he hasn’t proposed. By now, everyone knows he is waiting for his brother’s wedding to pass (in May) and also to meet my parents (in July) before he will even think about it.
One of my coworkers just got engaged, and with Valentine’s Day upcoming it is a little difficult to put on that happy face. It really has nothing to do with Mr. Tacos, my own underlying psychological issues are what I battle with. Most of them stemming from prior relationships full of hope and then disintegrating.
I guess I am a little down because I called my father for advice about a bathroom leak problem. Mr. Tacos needs to replace the entire sink and he asked me to get everything figured out – including the replacement. When I asked my father for his opinion he said it wasn’t up to me, it was Mr. Tacos job and I felt like an idiot. Mostly because he was right. It isn’t my job. I’m not engaged, it isn’t my condo.
And that is ridiculous, isn’t it? I was given creative control to offer solutions to Mr. Tacos, and now I was made to feel I don’t have the right to because we’re not engaged.
I don’t want to become “that girl” who needs constant reassurance, so I’m turning to this board for a little support in my weak moment today. Does anyone else go through this periodically? I am a little afraid that after his brother’s wedding, and after he meets my parents…. he will say he’s “not ready yet”.
And I’m not waiting for someone who isn’t ready, because I want to have a family in the next four or five years. 🙁
Post # 3
I think you need to follow Mr.Bee’s step-by-step process…I’m just saying.
Post # 4
girl, things get better! keep your head up and just think about how lucky you are that you have SOMEONE who loves you. I am waiting too and I struggle allllll the time as everyone around me gets married/engaged. When the day comes you will be so happy and it will all be worth the wait.
Just because you aren’t engaged doesn’t mean you can’t help. Sure it is his condo, but you are in a relationship still. I am sure you both do things for each other every day, just think of it as a favor, not something you dont have the right to do.
Post # 5
I’ve only started to go through this since Jan 1st hit. Not sure why. Seemed I would have when we hit a bump in November, but I didn’t. I don’t even know why I feel like this because we worked through it and things are good, I just keep wondering when it will happen.
Maybe your dad meant it isn’t your job as in, he’s the guy, he needs to get things around the house fixed, not as in you aren’t engaged. Maybe?
I agree about Mr.Bee’s plan. It may just work!
Post # 6
Keep your chin up! Here are a couple thoughts:
1. Try not to worry about the future (a.k.a. will he or won’t he ask you to marry him on a certain timeframe). You have someone in your life who loves you. Often, women are in danger of jeopardizing that fabulous relationship they have by “pushing” their guy. Look for all the little ways he shows you that he loves you and you’re his #1 choice. He’ll come around.
2. Don’t compare yourself to others in terms of engaged or not engaged. Technically being “engaged” doesn’t speak to the quality of your relationship.
3. Look at the “sink duty” in a new way. Your man trusts you to make important decisions in his home space. That’s huge! Why not take this as a chance to prove him right– that you’re smart and capable of taking on a new challenge and making his home better. Then, get yourself to Lowe’s and bat those eyelashes. Also, you can hire someone to handle the heavy lifting. You can do this!
Post # 7
Aww Clementine, I needed a brand new perspective and you summed it up beautifully. Thank you!
And thanks everyone else, also! I am going to implement some of Mr. Bee’s plan.
Post # 8
You are going to ruin your own proposal if you keep this up, seriously. You are going to end up backing him into a corner forcing him to propose before he’s ready. There have been a few posts like this floating around. Just be patient. He won’t forget you want to marry him if you stop talking about it. So what if other people are getting engaged before you? They aren’t YOU. Enjoy Valentine’s Day for what it is- a day to emphasize how much we care for our loved ones. The love is there even if an engagement is not so don’t let it ruin the day. Get some counseling if you are having issues from past relationships that are projecting onto this one. It’s not fair to treat Mr.Tacos like this because of past experiences. You will have your day and it will be wonderful and when it happens, you’ll know it was perfect timing and will be glad that he waited until he did. Time goes much faster than you’d think! Just hang in there and breathe.
Post # 9
Well said JoesWIfey! Ok Tacos – keep your head up and dont worry about this!! This happened to me last year – a little after Valentines day. FIs best friend from home got engaged and they had been together for 1/2 the time we had! My now Fiance knew that I was always wondering when we would get engaged (which was silly because I was only 22!!!) and when he told me they had gotten engaged I was really upset. As time went by it got easier and I realized that being engaged doesnt mean that their relationship is any better than ours! ANd lo and behold 7 months later I got engaged myself! I dont know your story (how long youve been with your bf or how old you are or where you are in your life) but I do know that things need to happen in their own time. And just like another poster said, you cannot force him to propose to you or else its going to make him not want to do it! Just be happy with what you have and the love that you share and things will come naturally when the time is right!
Post # 10
Yep, that’s why I vent here. Mr. Tacos knows none of this.
Post # 11
Deep breaths tacos! I know exactly how you feel, and sometimes you just have to force yourself out of your funk! 7 or so months seems like a long time, but I promise it will go so fast. And seriously, it will be an amazing surprise when you get your sparkly!
Post # 12
*hugs* it’s hard, girl, I know. There are some days where it is SO hard to keep my trap shut about “WHEN WHEN WHEN?!” even thought I know it’s coming in like, 3 weeks. Just hang in there and realize that every day is another day that you’re together and happy, and that’s what matters.
Post # 13
I don’t know if this makes things easier or harder, but it’s important to recognize that you might have the same worries about the relationship “disintegrating” even after the proposal. If you feel like this is something more about your own struggles than about Mr. Tacos per se, it’s important to take care of yourself and not become overly invested in the actual proposal itself.
Not to say getting married to a man you love isn’t a wonderful and awesome thing, but remember that your relationship will still basically be the same as it is now after you become engaged. I can see how the little reality check from your dad hurt, but think of him as having your best interests in mind. I’m sure he doesn’t want you to be disappointed, and probably doesn’t have as much insight into your relationship as you do.
Post # 14
i never use to want my so away from me.we are like two peasina pod.8 of 10 times we’re togther. my so has a trip to england soon.before this whole situation started with us (see other posts) i would try to get time to go with him and be feeling really miserable about it.but i actually want him to go and see what life is like not having me around.i told him i hope he realises how much he is gonna miss me.they expect u act like a wife and not commit.jees
Post # 15
@Cinnamon Roll- Thanks for your post. It was kinda good for me to read what you said about things essentially being the same after an engagement.
I too struggle with some of the things Tacos said. I get insecure and afraid SO will leave me, even though the ring is on lay-away and he constantly tells me how much he loves me and can’t wait to marry me.
I really hope that I can get over my feelings of that and my insecurity someday soon! (In therapy now 🙂
Thanks again Cinnamon Roll!
Post # 16
@bird – There’s so much truth to “absense makes the heart grow fonder.”
Whenever my hubs and I are apart, it really does bring us closer together… as cheesy as that sounds. (We’re going on our 10th anniversary this summer.)
A word of caution– it would be better for him to realize that he misses you on his own when he’s apart from you, than to have you tell him so before he leaves.
It’s so ironic that as women we often take on so much responsiblity– working, caring for our husbands/SOs in ways they probably don’t even know, raising families, etc. but then we can fall into the trap of wanting to remind everyone just how long-suffering we are. I mean, it’s the truth. We work our tails off. But others tend to appreciate us less when we point it out to them.
P.S. Enjoy your time apart and I hope it’s filled with fabulous things: being in charge of the remote, having the covers to yourself, and eating bonbons in your jammies.