Post # 1
I met my first husband in college and got married at age 22. We were deeply in love and connected on a level that I cannot put into words. He was diagnosed with cancer only two years after we got married, and passed aways 7 years after that after a long, hard battle that we fought side-by-side. Today marks the 8 year anniversary of his death. And 8 years since I’ve felt like I really knew who I was in this world.
This date has always been really hard for me. And in some ways, is harder now that I’m remarried. I think people think I’ve “over it” now because I got remarried and have a son and stepson now that I adore, but that doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t still feel shattered… it does. The difference is that now I don’t know what I can really say or do about it because it feels inappropriate and insensitive to my new husband to be crying and carrying on about my lost love. Inside, though, I still feel gutted….like the shell of a person I once was and like I will never stop feeling torn in two. Probably doesn’t help that my new husband and I have had a lot of hard times in our relationship and things never really feel stable, but I digress.
I’m just sad, and sitting here filled with anxiety and didn’t know know where else I could just vent and get it out. I wish I knew what I was supposed to do with myself on days like today. Anyway, thanks for listening xoxox Even just typing it out helped a bit.
Post # 2
Thankkyou for sharing, bee. I am very sorry for your loss. It was a loss, and we can’t just act it’s not a big thing to us if it is. He was a major part of your life when you were molding yourself into a young adult. You have every right to feel emotion.
I would honestly suggest letting it out. GO for a walk/jog/run (Runs always help me with my anxiety), or turn the shower on, get in while its nice and warm, and then turn it cold while youre in there. It’ll shock your body a little. I’ve tries it also, and it helps me get my head out of a dark place. And if you find youse mind going back to that grieving place, maybe think about what it was that you fell in love with. Also those characteristics you can apply as a person. Did he make jokes often, or look at the brighter side of things? Was he a kind person? All thsoe things yu can incorporate it into you as a person. Use what you loved about how he went about certain things i life, and apply it to your life to better yourself as a person. 🙂 It’s always be good to be self aware.
This is somethign that has helped me greatly in my past losses as well.
You are surrounded by people who love you.
Post # 3
Maybe you need to spend this day, once a year, going somewhere that you and your first husband enjoyed. Just to have time to think and shed a tear. It might also be worth considering what your first husband would have liked you to be doing at this point. Maybe he would have wanted you to have the adventures in love and life that he didn’t have the opportunity to have. He wouldn’t want you to feel broken and full of anxiety, even for one day a year.
The other thing that might help is bereavement counselling. It is never too late to get this and you might find out if there are other bereaved people in your area to talk to occasionally.
Talk to your second husband about this and, if you can, make him part of the healing process. You don’t want him to feel second best but just equal yet different.
Post # 4
anothernewbee16 : Hugs to you bee. I remember your story, and some of the difficulties you were having in your second marriage. I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it’s perfectly understandable that you are still deeply missing such an important person in your life, who helped shape who you are from a young age.
I know this gets recommended all the time, but have you considered therapy? It could be so helpful to talk through these feelings, as well as some of the issues in your marriage, with a third party. A few years ago I got divorced from my partner/husband of 15 years, and we’d been together since we were late teens. Having someone to talk to about it all was really helpful.
Post # 5
I am so sorry for you loss Bee. I would never say I understand what you’re going through, because I believe each person grieves differently. I lost my husband unexpectedly a little over a year ago and am now in a relationship with the man I will one day marry. He is the kindest and most understanding person I’ve ever met and before we ever started dating he knew about my husband and knew that no matter how much I loved him there would always be a part of my heart that would always belong to my first husband because we’d shared a life and a child. Part of me still feels guilty honestly for trying to be happy when he’s gone and the other part of me feels guilty there’s that part of my heart missing for my future husband. I will say that talking things out and getting things off your chest is one of the most therapuetic things, I also try to have a project or something like going to the gym to focus on. If you ever need anyone to talk or vent to I’m always here. Lots of love and prayers.
Post # 6
anothernewbee16 : can you go spend the day with someone else who misses also him and will understand? Are you still in touch with anyone like that? Maybe his best friend or a member of his family?
Post # 7
Sending postitive vibes your way! I’m sure it must be incredibly difficult on most days and even more so on days like this. I hope this post is therapeutic for you. Your internet bees support you fully. I recently dealt with a terrible loss and I still struggle every single day. I think it will always be hard regardless of the many happy moments we have to look forward to in life. I never knew how much pain people carry with them until I had a heavy heart to carry myself.
Post # 8
I work for an organization that helps loved ones through their grief journey. Someone told me this week that grief will never go away, because the only way it can is if the loved one comes back. And that’s never going to happen. The grief may lessen, but it’s okay to still feel it. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to “get over it.” It may be good to find a counselor or peer group. I don’t know where you are located but perhaps see if there’s a GriefShare group near you. I don’t have personal experience but it’s a way to talk about your grief with others who have been there. Much love headed your way.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband many years ago. He passed away when he was only 31 and we were married for 7 years with two small children. I have learned to live without him and I knew I had to move on and I didn’t want to grow old by myself.
What hurts me is that the children are growing up without their father. They are missing out and not being able to share their milestones. I have learned to move on. I am okay now, but I’m hurt when it’s his birthday and Father’s Day comes because I know they want to greet their dad on his special day.
Sometimes when I am feeling blue, I would drive to his grave site and just sit there and pray and talk to him and give him some updates on the children. Whether he is there listening or not, it helps me feel better. But I would like to think that he can hear me from above.
My fiance is very understanding, he is sad for me but I always tell him that I’m okay. We sometimes talk about my late husband and sometimes we talk about his ex-wife. We are pretty good at communicating anything and everything. We both have moved on, but it doesn’t mean that we will forget those who we loved and had in our lives.
I even bring up my late husband’s birthday and his death anniversary to let him know if I am down or feel a little distant, he will know why.
If you can’t talk to your new husband about your late husband, maybe you can talk to your mom, your best friend or talk to his mom if you guys are still in contact. I know it’s hard to lose the love of your life. There will always be a place for him in your heart and you will always love him. Your new husband should understand that. (((Hugs))) No words can make you feel better when someone you love dies. But just know that we are here to listen anytime. ~Telly
Post # 10
I’m sorry you’re hurting. I wish I had something better to offer, but the pain will lessen over time. Take an inventory of the good in your life and focus on those things. Help someone in need or volunteer, I’ve found that to be an effective way to deal with grief.
Remember that life is for the living and it’s your job to live in the best way you can.
Post # 11
I’ve been going to grief counseling with a hospice in my area. I don’t know if you have something exactly like it in your area, but mine offers counseling to people in the community, not just their own patients and families. Even if you don’t, I’m sure you have options in your area.
Sending you prayers for comfort and peace, my friend. I’m glad writing it out helped a bit, and I hope you have a good weekend.
Post # 12
Grief counselling sounds a good idea dear OP. It is so easy for us to feel- often unecessary – guilt I think , as women we have it programmed into us!
And remember that you are not only grieving the loss of the man, it is also your youth and innocence and first love . Most of us become disillusioned or cynical about our first loves, you never can. That’s hard.
Post # 13
Hugs, I’m so sorry bee. I have little to add to what the PPs have said. Be kind to yourself.
Post # 14
Oh, Bee, honey. This must be excruciating for you. Losing the person you love most is agony at any age; as one so young, you have every right to still be railing at the gods for this outrage.
I am so sorry you are not finding the comfort you need at home. No doubt, that has a multiplier effect on your grief and anger.
You surely have been dealt one hell of a bad hand. What can we Bees do that would make you feel some support coming your way?
Are there people around you who will understand and offer support?
I’m attaching a link to a 2015 HuffPo article about some of the better online resources for those who have lost spouses or partners. Hopefully, the information is still current enough to be of some use to you.
Much healing love and light to you.
Post # 15
- Wedding: October 2019 - City, State
I am so sorry. I didn’t lose a husband in such a traumatic way but I did suffer a really difficult and traumatic loss. I felt really “stuck” like I couldn’t be happy/would never be happy. And while I could point to some of the positive things in my life that *should* have made me happy I was often unable to feel that.
I ended up getting into therapy and the therapy that helped the most was EMDR. I cannot recommend EMDR enough. I still feel sad and there are even times I cry and can’t stop. But the feeling that I can’t feel anything is gone. I feel love and joy again. I finally understand what “moving on” means and how to do it without leaving behind what you have lost.