Today is the anniversary of my husband's death and I'm struggling

posted 6 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
2153 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Don’t feel guilty about your feelings, or feel like you should no longer have them or that you should have ”moved on”. Your feelings are real and valid and you are entitled to really feel them, to cry, to let it all out, to just feel every single thing that you need to feel. Grief and loss hurts, it’s normal, death is a part of life but that doesn’t make it an easy thing to deal with. You will get through this and you don’t have to do it by being ”strong” for others, you will do it by being true to yourself and your feelings and allowing them to stay with you. 

Post # 17
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

I am so sorry. Are you on Facebook? You should join the Hot Young Widows Club. It is an amazing support group. 

 

My husband died 3 1/2 months ago after a short and devastating brain cancer battle. It was awful. My heart is crushed. We were only married 2 1/2 years and have a baby. You can also reach out to me. 

Post # 20
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I can’t help but reply to this. I also lost my husband to cancer a few years ago – I will be remarried later this year. My slightly more ‘fortunate’ position is that my fiance also lost his previous partner to cancer and so we have an understading it is impossible to have if you have not been there. In contrast I do think I am over it actually as much as you ever are, I think my circumstances are different to yours in ways it would not be appropriate to go into here. That said I will be at his grave every birthday, wedding anniversary and anniversary of death and I continue to visit for Christmas at some point and decorate and tend to the grave frequently. I intend to always do so. 

It is impossible to think of it as a contest. However it is important to remember that it is always sad when a loved one dies, whoever they are. And that it is appropriate to remember these days. In my world as long as I have done something, I am OK. If I failed to recognise it then I woud not be OK. If I felt I had to keep it in and not mention it it would eat me up. As it is, I always have a little plan and I do it and it’s fine. And the day goes on. As life goes on. Can you invovle your husband? Say you’d like to take some flowers? It is a traumatic day to remember wether they be a friend, brother, mother, father etc so it is not inappropriate to be upset about it. A very crappy time that it is always hard to think about and remember. 

I wish you all the luck in the world xx

 

 

 

Post # 21
Member
10567 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

gooberzilla :  

This makes very good sense to me. EMDR is showing results with PTSD and I suspect that experiencing a traumatic loss generates some PTSD for many.

Ketamine infusion treatment is also proving to be very effective, ie some studies are showing 95% success treating PTSD symptoms. The overall success rate for i.v. ketamine in the treatment of depression, PTSD, and chronic pain is about 70%; so, that 95% stat is quite significant.

The only caveat with EMDR is to be certain to do your homework and choose a qualified, competent therapist. Results turn almost entirely on the skill of the therapist. EMDR can even be harmful if attempted by a practitioner who is lacking the requisite skills and training.

Post # 22
Hostess
8400 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

anothernewbee16 :  Oh bee, I am so so sorry to hear that. Your loss and your feelings are 100% valid, even though you have remarried. I am sure your husband would understand. Losing anyone is difficult, but to lose the person you thought you would grow old with, I can’t even imagine. Big hugs to you at this tough time. Whatever you do, don’t feel guilty for feeling this way. 

Post # 23
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: By the lake

anothernewbee16 :  I hope things get easier for you.  Though I am sad for the children growing up without their father, I wouldn’t change a thing about having children with my late husband because I have ties with him which are the children.  My mother in law has ties with him through her grandkids.  And the children and my family were the ones who helped me get through my grieving.  I live for my children.  I had to be strong for them.  I guess if you guys did have children, I am sure your life would be a little different and maybe your grieving would be a little different too if you had children with him??  They would be there for you just as much as you would be there for them.  You would have to be strong for them and will make you a stronger person, I think.  I am also here if you want to talk.  You can send me a message.  I will be thinking of you and I hope you are doing better.  I hope your husband will be supportive of you and your feelings.  I hope he is understanding that what you’re feeling is part of the grieving.   ~Telly

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