Together 8 years no ring

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2060 posts
Buzzing bee

Why did you buy a house with him before sorting this out? I guess I don’t quite understand that, as you had many years to figure out where you guys stood at that point.

You sound like you’ve known you wanted marriage for awhile. When did you actually start discussing marriage with him?

I’m not sure what you can do really. You tied yourself to a mortgage with him, either knowing full well that he didn’t want marriage or not knowing where you both stood on marriage and going through with it anyway.

I guess you could have a other conversation with him, but you are set on having a wedding and the most he would do is elope. You could try to compromise and have a destination wedding, but I’m not sure he will actually go for it

Post # 3
Member
6023 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s a shame you didn’t come to this point before you bought the house. If he says he doesn’t want to get married you should believe him. But if he offered to get married and elope in spite of not liking the idea of marriage, that’s a compromise on his part and you should seriously consider it. Sometimes we don’t get the things that we want and this may be one of those times.

Post # 4
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: USA

View original reply
maddy762 :  If it’s simply the wedding (and not marriage) he has a problem with, there are ways to have an intimate ceremony that still feels like a wedding. But honestly if he isn’t aligned with you re: the importance of marriage at all, then you’ll probably be the one compromising. If he really won’t budge on the idea of a wedding, here are the options to move forward with him, as I see it. 

1. You have an elopment and sacrifice your desire for a big wedding day. But you’ll be married.

2. He doesn’t want to get married and you don’t want to leave, so you accept it and don’t get married at all. Probably causing a lifetime worth of resentment and/or just a general feeling of defeat.

I don’t see how you could feel truly content with either of these options based on your post, however if your partner truly values your happiness as a life partner he needs to get his head out of his ass and marry you. The way I see it, you’ve compromised for many years on his behalf. Although part of me feels like starting a marriage out this way (i.e. getting married just out of a sense of compromise) would end in disaster. I believe the circumstances around an engagement set a certain tone for the marriage.

If marriage and a wedding is truly important to you, be prepared to set a walk date and actually leave. Life is too short to compromise on the important things. 

Post # 6
Member
6354 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
maddy762 :  It’s a bit unclear from your post… Is he actually opposed to MARRIAGE or just a wedding? If it’s the latter, I think you’ll have to decide how important a wedding ceremony in front of friends and family actually is. Is it more important than actually marrying this person? A wedding is just one day. Marriage is the rest of your lives. But will you resent him if you don’t get the wedding you want? That’s something to really think about. 

Post # 7
Member
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

If his version of getting married and happily ever after is eloping, I don’t see why that’s such a huge hurdle. A wedding is one day, a marriage is a lifetime. If he’s the one for you, I would meet him at that compromise. He’s telling you, “I don’t ever need to be married, but I know it’s important to you and I’m committed to you, so I think eloping is an option.” You’ve thrown that back in his face as not an option at all, acting like his anxiety is made up or something. 

It’s not that he doesn’t want to marry you… he’s just said he will. But… he doesn’t want a wedding. 

You need to decide if this is something you’ll compromise on. 

Post # 8
Member
7800 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
sunburn :  +1

If he says he doesn’t want a big wedding (but is ok with marriage), then eloping is really a great compromise. Your feelings of wanting your grandparents there are valid, but so are his. 

Post # 9
Member
2060 posts
Buzzing bee

So what happens if you break up tomorrow over this?

From the little I understand about property ownership, you may have to buy him out or find a new place to live if both your names are on the house and one or both of you can’t afford the house singlehandedly. Or would you be able to afford the mortgage on your own if he were to move out? Would you make good money on the house if you were to sell it now and split it between the two of you against he mortgage? Would you go back to renting an apartment? Have you financially prepared yourself for these possibilities/did you two discuss this? 

I’m sure it’s more complicated than that and I don’t know all that goes into owning property but if you break up you could potentially get screwed financially. I hope you thought this through 

 

Post # 11
Member
7800 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
maddy762 :   I think they would feel like my partner wasn’t giving me a say.

Well it doesn’t matter what they think. If you steamroll your bfs wants, aren’t you doing the same to him? 

Post # 12
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
maddy762 :  I don’t quite understand delaying a breakup for a year if the breakup is inevitable. Is there any chance he is insisting on an intimate ceremony because he knows your struggle with the idea would delay the event? On another note, such crippling anxiety and/or inability to compromise raises concerns that your partner may not be someone you would want to marry anyways.

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