Together 8 years no ring

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 15
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - New England

Not to beat a dead horse, but I agree with the others. If you truly want to be married to this person, you should consider the elopement. At the end of the day, your wedding is between you and your partner. I’m sure that, although they might upset initially, your family will forgive it and move on. 

Post # 16
Member
1423 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

You can elope and always have a big party later, (delayed wedding, anniverary party/house warming/vow renewal etc..) we are doing this. We eloped last year and this summer we’ll be having a big “I-Do BBQ”. We couldn’t have a big party last year when we were in the middle of buying a house and all our free money was going to that. Since then we have purchased and can now save for the party and enjoy our own beautiful backyard wedding. Marriage is all about compromise in the end 

Post # 17
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Australia

I would try compromise and elope then have a party when you get back. That way the attention isn’t on him if it’s s regular old party with your family and friends! 

Good luck 

Post # 18
Member
1134 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
maddy762 :  He commented he would happily never get married, but you’re somewhat planning a wedding. Does he not believe in marriage? Maybe he’s happy coexisting without the legal agreement. If his reasons for happily never getting married are the ceremony, I would elope. It doesn’t seem like he’s giving you much choice. You may suggest a courthouse ceremonly where only immediate family is present. Would he be open to that idea? You could still wear a gorgeous dress, and hire a photographer. You could all go to lunch or dinner afterward. 

Post # 19
Member
8019 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If this man who is fine with never getting married will agree to elope to make you happy that’s a fair compromise, isn’t it? Are the wishes of your parents and grandparents more important to your marriage than his are? Your marriage is about the two of you and it’s about a lot more than just one day.

Post # 20
Member
1354 posts
Bumble bee

I wonder if there is a part of him that is banking on you saying “No” to an elopement to keep the status quo? If you agree to an elopement but he still says ” No” then you will know that it was not the wedding that was a problem, it was the marriage. 

Post # 21
Member
1236 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

On his own he would never need to be married, but he would be married to you and elope with you. I think it’s a great compromise. Look up elopement photographers on instagram! Some elopements are so stunning and might quickly change your mind! Brooke.couch, wildelopements, elopementlove

You have to find out what an elopement means to him? Dress, location, flowers, photographer. Show him elopment pictures. Your “elopement/wedding” can be whatever it is the two of you want. FH said he wanted to elope, I said okay, I’ve seen stunning elopementlove’s photos! I assumed he mean’t just us two, but looking at pictures with a few people in them he was like, I want our close friends and immediate family there. He doesnt want anything big. I showed him a picture for setting and decoration purposes only and he was like, I like that it’s not to big. He doesn’t want to say personalized vows in front of anyone, he just wants to repeat what the officiant says, but he would say personalized ones sometime that day to me with no one around. He was nervous about the first dance and I told him, this is our day if you don’t want to do a first dance we wont have one, our day can be whatever we want it to be. We dont have to have a traditional dancing reception wedding.

Show him elopment pictures and just see what he likes. Does he want a private ceremony? Is it okay if your immediate family is there? Is he open to a party/celebration when you return? The day is about the two of you! Figure out what that looks like for you both!

Post # 22
Member
635 posts
Busy bee

I totally get him. I would rather just not marry my fiancé if he insisted on having a proper wedding. Do you want a marriage or a wedding? I think you should really look at your priorities here. Eloping might upset your parents, but they’ll get over it. 

Post # 23
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: By the lake

Before you decide a about elopement,  have you talked to him about having kids?  Does he want kids?  Do you want kids?  

Post # 24
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
bearinabeecostume :  I don’t think eloping is a compromise here. She already suggested a “really small wedding” and he wasn’t ok with that. OP’s boyfriend is basically saying he is not willing to experience a couple hours of mild discomfort for the happiness of her and her loved ones. He’s not compromising. By the way, in case you suggest he is compromising by agreeing to marry her, no one should marry someone who views marrying as “compromising”.

Post # 25
Member
3106 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
maddy762 :  “We were spending too much dead money on rent and now spend less on our mortgage…”

It is better to waste money than to waste time.

Post # 26
Member
1257 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with 

View original reply
anonymousbee001 : . Marriage is too big a deal to view as a compromise. He either wants to get married, or he doesn’t, OP. You need to find out which one it is.

Once you have established whether he actually wants to marry you but is just put off by the big party and ceremony, then you can figure out what a wedding you could both live with would look like.

However, if he actually doesn’t want to get married and is just suggesting eloping to be obstroperous, that is a different matter.

 

Post # 27
Member
1134 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
anonymousbee001 : I never suggested OP’s boyfriend is compromising by agreeing to marry her. If he doesn’t want to get married, she can’t force him into marriage. I’m sure he’s a big boy who can decide that for himself. Personally, I think OP is in denial, and ignoring his not wanting to marry her, yet is pushing forward with her wedding. This will probably blow up in her face, eventually. However, I don’t know OP or her boyfriend, so I’m making that assumption based on her post. 

My first point to her was to highlight his statement where he told her he was happy to never get married, yet OP is insistant on planning a wedding. I was gently suggesting maybe he doesn’t want to get married at all–ever.

Let’s give OP’s boyfriend the benefit of the doubt and assume he suffers from social anxiety (a real thing). OP’s boyfriend eventually agrees he wants to be married, so they meet in the middle with an elopement, or if she’s feeling really lucky, she convinces him to agree to a small ceremony with family. 

Marriage isn’t about a big, fancy wedding, nor is marriage always about getting your way–it’s about compromises. 

Post # 28
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
maddy762 :  Could you elope and still host a reception later to celebrate with family and friends?That’s another way to compromise. It’s less likely that people would be staring as much at you two if you eloped and just hosted a reception.

It’s kind of unclear from your OP, but it sounds like your boyfriend would like to spend his life with you and even get married to you… he just doesn’t want to do it in front of people who will be staring at him due to his anxiety. That’s a valid viewpoint. Is he seeing anyone for his anxiety or getting any sort of treatment?

If you also want to spend your life with him like you said, then what is more important…the marriage or the wedding day? Or are both so absolutely important you cannot compromise? He is willing to give you the marriage, just not necessarily the wedding day. This seems like less of a “together 8 years and no ring” post, and more of a “boyfriend wants to elope and I want a big wedding” post.

Post # 29
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: USA

View original reply
maddy762 :  An intimate ceremony could look like renting a cute little gazebo/park to get married in, wearing a beautiful wedding dress and walking down an aisle (you could make one out of flowers or something) and him in a suit, and having a witness or close family members watch you say your vows. Then go and have a party or a dinner sometime after that. 

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