Together 8 years no ring

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 30
Member
1435 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like a LOT of compromise on your side and not his. Sit down and really work through the items that give him the most anxiety and try to compromise where you can and see where that leaves you. Would that mean a super short 5 minute wedding ceremony? Then a more casual wedding reception with no speeches at all? Maybe if you walk through the specific things that give him anxiety and directly address those and see if that works. 

If not, elope and then agree to have a wedding bbq a month later with friends and family. 

Post # 31
Member
252 posts
Helper bee

I would probably clarify why he isn’t so keen to marriage. Is it marriage that makes him weary or is it just the wedding? If it’s the latter, then I suggest going with the elopement. I don’t know how bad your boyfriend’s anxiety is but I have terrible anxiety that is sometimes crippling. While I only have generalized anxiety and not social anxiety I can’t attest to what his triggers may be but the outcome of overwhelming anxiousness is probably the same. Sometimes, even if faced with life’s most important decisions, anxiety can win. Even though it’s only a “day” it could feel like an eternity for him due to his anxiety. Explain the reason to elope with your family- perhaps a few people could show up. 

Post # 33
Member
1557 posts
Bumble bee

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bearinabeecostume :  I know you didn’t. The “in case you suggest” was preemptive. I think social anxiety to the extent he is suggesting, if it’s real, is a huge issue. It would mean he would also have difficulties navigating simple work meetings and life events where he may need to speak up.

Finally, the combination of “marriage indifference” and aversion to a wedding is a red flag. For what it’s worth, my spouse was initially indifferent to marriage, so, because he was fine either way, we had the wedding I wanted. It wasn’t a big white wedding, but we had family and friends, a meal with several courses, drinks, cake, and a great party. All in, including my dress and the rings, it was <$2000 (which, as a bonus, was less than the marginal increase in our tax refund that year).

maddy762 :  

Post # 35
Member
1134 posts
Bumble bee

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maddy762 :  I guess at this point I would discuss legal benits to marriage you both wouldn’t have therwise as boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe he’s overlooked this aspect? It may change his mind. He did commit to purchasing property with you. 

Post # 36
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey

I think you shouldn’t get married to a person with whom you’re okay with either breaking up or moving forward. If you break up, you say you can postpone it a year (where are the emotions?) and already it is a good investment when you sell the house etc. If you don’t break up, you’re not getting the wedding you want and this seems like a problem for yoj too. 

I mean, I don’t think you’re all that passionate about each other judging from the tone of your writings. 

Post # 38
Member
852 posts
Busy bee

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maddy762 :  I’m so confused. You want to marry this guy. He says that marriage is not important to him, but that he will elope with you due to his anxiety. This sounds like he would be fine with marrying you as long as it’s not the big wedding you have wanted.

Really, what you need to answer is this: what do you want, a marriage with this guy or a big white wedding with someone else?

That’s what this boils down to.

 

“The wedding day itself is the source of contention between us. He is opposed to a big white wedding costing thousands and with the anxiety that all entails for him. Whether this all means he doesn’t want to ever get married *to me* I don’t know.”

I’m not sure why you are saying that you don’t know if he wants to get married to you, when in your OP you clearly say “…if he was to get married, his preference would be to elope on our own” and even in this snippet you say “The wedding day itself is the source of contention between us.”

Yes, it sounds like he wants to marry you, the only thing you’re unhappy with is that he wants to elope. I get that your family wouldn’t be happy and you ideally want a “big white wedding” but is that worth walking away from a man you don’t want to leave?

“The alternative is a lifetime of resentment.”

A lifetime of resentment if you don’t get married? You’re ignoring that he is offering you marriage as long as you elope due to his anxiety

Have you talked to your boyfriend about what he envisions for the wedding and more about his fears? You mentioned eloping. How about eloping and having a reception with family and friends a few weeks afterward? Or a small/intimate (e.g. immediate family only) ceremony? You could go out to dinner afterward and still host a reception a little bit later.

As someone who suffers from severe anxiety, it does not sound to me like you respect the fact that he does have severe anxiety considering that your priority seems to be a big, white wedding over making your FH feel comfortable. Is he being treated for his anxiety?

Post # 39
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

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anonymousbee001 :  I would say you don’t know what you’re talking about. You obviously don’t understand how anxiety, including severe anxiety can present. It’s very possible that something like this could cause him massive anxiety but a work meeting wouldn’t, it depends on what causes him anxiety. I couldn’t believe I read that on your post. That is so invalidating and assumptive. You also seem to like having a pessimistic view. To me is really sounds like he wants to marry her but is anxious about the wedding. I don’t understand how that got dismissed so quickly. He said he is fine with an elopement but is anxious of a wedding so why do you think this is a red flag? 

My SO is anxious of a wedding so we aren’t having one. He has been diagnosed with GAD and I have been diagnosed with SAD so I’m talking to you from real experiences. My SO is a fantastic presenter, his field of choice is sales and he loves to be the centre of attention, BUT the thought of a wedding causes him massive anxiety. Why? He gets anxious at the thought of vulnerability. He had a terrible childhood, and has been fending for himself since a young age. He didn’t have anyone he trusted growing up and has learned how to protect himself. He doesn’t show vulnerability and he seriously censors who he is around people. People see what he lets them see and that’s it. The thought of opening up in front of that many people is very anxiety inducing for him. I suggested we elope and he was so happy, excited, and relieved. He can’t wait to marry me, can’t wait to call me his wife, just doesn’t want the huge party that will put him on display in front of everyone he knows and that’s fine by me. 

Just because you don’t understand doesn’t mean it’s not real or that he’s not being honest. Maybe he is lying! But for you to dismiss it so confidently could be very convincing for OP and influence some of her thought processes going forward, when what you’re saying is not at all true. I don’t think that’s a very good thing because he really could be telling the truth, that’s what I would hope she’s inclined to believe if she is planning to marry this guy. Don’t encourage distrust when he 100% could be telling the truth and is just looking for a little understanding.

Post # 40
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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lauraspencer :  I completely agree with you. There is a contingent of married bees who seem to go on the “waiting” threads to poo-poo on anyone who is actually waiting and wants to stay with their boyfriend because (paraphrasing here) “if he hasn’t proposed by the time you want him to propose he doesn’t love you/he will never marry you/he will leave as soon as he finds someone better” and “leave asap.” That’s literally what that poster is trying to get at if you read between the lines. IMO the implication is that OP’s boyfriend (whom she has never met) is lying to OP, because if he wasn’t lying then his anxiety would make him unable to function in the real world. If he is lying to OP, he will never marry her and she should leave. If he isn’t lying to OP, then he’s not functional and she should leave anyway. 

Just on another thread I saw this past week, a bee shared that her anxiety made her afraid to commit to things, and a bunch of bees tried to essentially tell her that that’s not a real thing. It’s ridiculous. The worst thing is, like you said, that this kind of awful messaging does OP no favors and can lead her to question things that are real.

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maddy762 :  If you didn’t want to hear the advice of “break up and leave” then you should have made that clear in your first post. I’m not sure if you read any other waiting threads before posting, but the most generic advice that married bees tell the waiting bees is “break up and leave if he’s not proposing by your timeline, he doesn’t want to marry you.” Literally, it’s on every thread in the waiting section if you look at it. So yes, that’s some the advice you are getting. I did recently see a waiting post in which the poster said that breaking up was not an option and, I kid you not, the first response said something along the lines of “if you’re not going to break up with him, then I’m not sure what kind of advice you want.”

It’s really useful for you to know this when reading the responses on your thread, because it will help you see through that noise if you don’t want to break up with your boyfriend. None of these posters, myself included, actually know you or your fiance or whether he has severe anxiety or whether he wants to marry you. If you have any doubts regarding this, you need to talk to your boyfriend, and if you want our take afterward then let us know what he says. The fact that that isn’t all of the advice you are getting is important to note, because there are factors in your post (like saying that your boyfriend will marry you if you guys elope) that are important to note.

You have actually received helpful advice and now it’s on you–the thing that you need to do is talk to your boyfriend. Tell him how important marriage is to you (and maybe mention the automatic benefits that marriage would give that you can’t fully replicate even if you tried–being able to make medical decisions for your spouse if something happened, etc.). Then ask him if he is still on board with getting married to you, like he said he was previously. Then ask him whether he thinks he can handle a small ceremony with immediate family (like a pseudo-elopment) or if he can only handle an elopment due to his anxiety. You know him, so you should know whether he is being truthful about his anxiety better than anyone here…don’t question it if the only reason you are questioning it is because a random stranger doesn’t believe it.

Bees have proposed various responses/suggestions–you can come to terms with having an elopment and marriage of your dreams just not the wedding day, you can suggest an intimate ceremony (ex. immediate family only), you can either elope or have an intimate ceremony and then throw a party in the next few weeks/months after the wedding, you can suggest a destination wedding.

Now it’s your turn to be an adult and talk to your boyfriend about this. Let us know what he says, and then we can give more input.

Post # 41
Member
6024 posts
Bee Keeper

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franklymydearidont :  I resent the implication that there is a wolf pack married bees who post “leave him”  on all the waiting threads. I have posted that on some threads. If you go back and read, I did no such thing on this thread and others as well. My advice varies with the circumstances described, as I’m sure is true for most posters. Generalizations are overly simplistic, and never a good idea. 

Post # 42
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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sunburn :  I’m not speaking about any poster specifically. I am speaking in general for a reason. Which bees come in and essentially say “leave him” on which thread matters much less than the fact that in almost any waiting thread there will be married bees that do post that the OP should leave their partner. What I am saying is that this advice gets disseminated so often on the waiting boards, that it’s essentially par for the course if you post about waiting. If she realizes that “leave your SO” is generally advised on waiting threads, she will better be able to filter out advice that she is saying is not helpful to her.

Maybe you should take your generalization argument to other bees posting in waiting threads. I tend to look at the specifics of the situation, but certainly there are bees that don’t, and I’m not wrong for pointing out repetitive advice that gets posted over and over on a certain topic.

Anyway, derailing this thread on this tangent does not seem helpful, and I’m not going to reply just to argue.

Post # 43
Member
2060 posts
Buzzing bee

Maybe you should take your generalization to another thread and stop derailing this one.

I’m not married and I’ve advised certain bees to leave. Your point?

Just because a lot of people come to the same conclusion doesn’t mean the conclusion is wrong. And it has nothing to do with my relationship status, thankyouverymuch

If I was in some of the situations certain waiting bees are in, I’d take my own advice and leave. In fact, I have before. But not every post warrants that. Like you, I read every post as a unique situation and tailor my response accordingly

 <end rant. Sorry for continuing to derail>

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franklymydearidont :  

Post # 44
Member
461 posts
Helper bee

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neverbeenstungbee :  Why don’t you take your own advice and stop derailing this thread just to argue? As a waiting bee of 8 years who has been on these boards way longer than you, I actually find franklymydearidont’s observation to be accurate and the way she originally posted about this was addressing something that the OP posted about directly. OP posted that it was bothering her that people were telling her to leave because that is not an option to her. OP is within her rights to feel that way and to express that. 

Franklymydearidont did not derail the thread because she addressed the OP based on what OP posted. Her post was not directed at you or sunburn or anyone else. You and sunburn are are trying to argue with a poster who doesn’t want some petty back and forth with you.

Post # 45
Member
2060 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh good now we’re looking at seniority on the bee for credibility. I will happily agree to disagree  

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goodasitgets :  

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