- 3 years ago
- Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL
If we can’t stop derailing and arguing I’m going to close this.
If we can’t stop derailing and arguing I’m going to close this.
Hope you’ve resolved some of the issues by now, but here’s my two cents and experience. When we got engaged, we decided tiny wedding, like 20 people. Within 3 days we had a list of over 75 and that didn’t include extended family that my parents would feel obligated to invite. I started having anxiety over how many people, how much it was going to cost, and how many details that I didn’t care about that I was going to have to worry about. We had one fight and I said listen “I want to be married to you, I don’t care how that happens and I don’t care who is disappointed in the process” This is our day, we considered eloping but decided on a small ceremony and dinner after at a restaurant. We are at around 40 people and I am comfortable with that. I think, choose your absolute musts and let the rest work itself out. I know a lot of people dream about a huge traditional wedding but I never did and he already had one so what we are doing works for us. He’s going to be the one you make decisions with the rest of your life, it is important you can come to an agreement about the marriage/wedding before you can consider the rest of your life.
Ok, Bee. I see a few issues in need of some sorting here.
From reading your posts, it seems that you are doing some speculating as to the reasons behind your bf’s reluctance to commit to marriage. The possibilities include his anxiety about a wedding. Has he actually talked to you about that? Is he doing anything to work on his anxiety, eg meds or therapy?
If the only issue in the way is his anxiety about the stress of a wedding, you have a fixable problem. Elopements and intimate weddings can be exquisitely romantic. Ours very small wedding was lovely. You may have to do some compromising; that’s just adulting.
Then there is the question of whether he wants to get married at all. You start out saying he’s not keen. Later, you sound like you’re guessing that his fears are a product of his parents experiences.
When you pull it all together, Bee, it sounds as if there is a lack of good, clear communication happening here.
Oh bee, I feel your pain. My bf and I just broke up 2 weeks ago after a 14 yr relationship. We have been living together for 4 years. I am 34 and he is 39. We’ve been talking about marriage since we moved in together and he’s always said that he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. But when we had conversations about when there was always an excuse. Usually money but recently it was “I dont feel like we’re in a good place in our relationship to get married.” What?! It’s now or never baby. Marriage and kids is something I’ve always wanted. Although I am devastated right now and still love him so much, I’ve put him first for 14 years. I can’t waste anymore time making sure he is happy and comfortable in his life. It’s time to think about you. Don’t let 4 years go by. Talk to him now. Make sure he knows exactly what you want and the timeframe you’re willing to wait. Relationships are based on compromise, of course, but I think there is a way to find a happy medium with the kind of wedding you want. Just make sure it’s about the wedding and not the marriage. It will be 10x harder after years of living together. Trust me. Good luck bee!
That’s of course, if thats the main thing holdinh him back from marriage. If he doesnt seem to receptive to that, then you have your answer!
Good luck, bee!
Thanks for all the great advice! I wanted to update this thread because yesterday I got engaged and it is entirely thanks to you all knocking some sense into me!
When I made this thread I had a clear idea in mind of how I wanted to be proposed to, and how I wanted to spend my wedding day. After reading your posts I started looking into alternative options, namely a wedding abroad and elopement and when I spoke to him about this, his entire attitude changed. He was interested!! It was literally a game changer. His whole issue was he did not want a 100+ person big white wedding costing circa £20,000. And I realised we couldn’t afford much more than £5,000 so I really needed this wake up call too as what I envisioned was not achievable or realistic.
I also realised that a dream surprise proposal was not going to be achieved without a little help. He was terrified of buying a ring. He didn’t know where to start. I am the organised and researcher one out of the two of us and I also realised if he was left to pick a ring on his own, it would take forever, cause massive anxiety and probably result in a ring I didn’t even like. So I chose the ring myself. Ordered it and tried it on with him, all before the proposal. He then kept the ring and the rest of the proposal was a surprise 🙂
We are here in Edinburgh for Edinburgh fringe and yesterday did a hike and when we arrived at a clearing to rest he proposed.
So thank you everyone! For knocking some sense into me, making me face the reality and compromise.
What a great update! Wishing you and your husband to be much happiness 🙂
Good for you!
Bear in mind you can always do a microwedding- immediate family and grandparents only. The options are not all or nothing. My wedding would not feel like a wedding without my nuclear family (including my gma) there. I didn’t bother reading thru all the posts, just wanted to congratulate you, you did the right thing by being assertive, and throw out the microwedding idea. Get married at the courthouse or a different location (the officiant will come to you) and have a nice meal at a restaurant after. Much cheaper that a “full blown” wedding.
Even though you picked out the ring (always a good idea) he can still do the “proposal” as a formality if that means a lot to you. That’s what my bf is doing.
Although this issue seems moot, I disagree with the other Bee’s ragging on you about buying a house with him before marriage. A house is an investment, and it’s often more cost saving than renting. And a lot of people can’t afford to buy on their own. I think buying a home with an SO is ok as long as you have 1) written agreement about financial arrangements 2) you can both afford it 3) you both have title 4) you have a clear, written exit plan should things not work out.
It is so refreshing to see a waiting Bee who took charge of her own life and put stability over the “surprise” bullshit. May other waiting Bees follow your example. Hope to see more posts from you about wedding planning! Microweddings are in these days!
Hi everyone last week I got married! It was abroad (by complete chance we booked pre-pandemic and held our nerve and then the place was added to the green list!). In the end we had 28 guests, including my grandparents 🙂