Together 8 years no ring

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Hostess
9735 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

If we can’t stop derailing and arguing I’m going to close this.

Post # 48
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

Hope you’ve resolved some of the issues by now, but here’s my two cents and experience.  When we got engaged, we decided tiny wedding, like 20 people.  Within 3 days we had a list of over 75 and that didn’t include extended family that my parents would feel obligated to invite.  I started having anxiety over how many people, how much it was going to cost, and how many details that I didn’t care about that I was going to have to worry about.  We had one fight and I said listen “I want to be married to you, I don’t care how that happens and I don’t care who is disappointed in the process”  This is our day, we considered eloping but decided on a small ceremony and dinner after at a restaurant.  We are at around 40 people and I am comfortable with that.  I think, choose your absolute musts and let the rest work itself out.  I know a lot of people dream about a huge traditional wedding but I never did and he already had one so what we are doing works for us. He’s going to be the one you make decisions with the rest of your life, it is important you can come to an agreement about the marriage/wedding before you can consider the rest of your life. 

Post # 49
Hostess
4592 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

View original reply
tomandrachael :  I agree with you.  We had the big traditional wedding, but if my D.H. had wanted something small, we would have compromised even though I am a huge family person and was really happy to have our full extended family there.  Hope the two of you can work something out that you’re both happy with. 

Post # 50
Member
10220 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
maddy762 :  

Ok, Bee.  I see a few issues in need of some sorting here.

From reading your posts, it seems that you are doing some speculating as to the reasons behind your bf’s reluctance to commit to marriage.  The possibilities include his anxiety about a wedding.  Has he actually talked to you about that? Is he doing anything to work on his anxiety, eg meds or therapy? 

If the only issue in the way is his anxiety about the stress of a wedding, you have a fixable problem. Elopements and intimate weddings can be exquisitely romantic. Ours very small wedding was lovely. You may have to do some compromising; that’s just adulting.

Then there is the question of whether he wants to get married at all. You start out saying he’s not keen. Later, you sound like you’re guessing that his fears are a product of his parents experiences.

When you pull it all together, Bee, it sounds as if there is a lack of good, clear communication happening here.

Post # 51
Member
6 posts
Newbee

Oh bee, I feel your pain. My bf and I just broke up 2 weeks ago after a 14 yr relationship. We have been living together for 4 years. I am 34 and he is 39. We’ve been talking about marriage since we moved in together and he’s always said that he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. But when we had conversations about when there was always an excuse. Usually money but recently it was “I dont feel like we’re in a good place in our relationship to get married.” What?! It’s now or never baby. Marriage and kids is something I’ve always wanted. Although I am devastated right now and still love him so much, I’ve put him first for 14 years. I can’t waste anymore time making sure he is happy and comfortable in his life. It’s time to think about you. Don’t let 4 years go by. Talk to him now. Make sure he knows exactly what you want and the timeframe you’re willing to wait. Relationships are based on compromise, of course, but I think there is a way to find a happy medium with the kind of wedding you want. Just make sure it’s about the wedding and not the marriage. It will be 10x harder after years of living together. Trust me. Good luck bee!

Post # 52
Member
764 posts
Busy bee

View original reply
maddy762 :  I’ve read this one before. I would say compromise like you suggested; maybe do a small wedding with clos family and close friends. It will help his anxiety, and he won’t be upset that he needs to partake in something that makes him uncomfortable. Maybe don’t do the whole “speeches” and individual dances with parents and all? Maybe see what you guys can work on.

That’s of course, if thats the main thing holdinh him back from marriage. If he doesnt seem to receptive to that, then you have your answer! 

Good luck, bee! 

Post # 54
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

What a great update! Wishing you and your husband to be much happiness ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 55
Member
1946 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Good for you!

Bear in mind you can always do a microwedding- immediate family and grandparents only. The options are not all or nothing. My wedding would not feel like a wedding without my nuclear family (including my gma) there. I didn’t bother reading thru all the posts, just wanted to congratulate you, you did the right thing by being assertive, and throw out the microwedding idea. Get married at the courthouse or a different location (the officiant will come to you) and have a nice meal at a restaurant after. Much cheaper that a “full blown” wedding. 

Post # 56
Member
1946 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

P.S.

Even though you picked out the ring (always a good idea) he can still do the “proposal” as a formality if that means a lot to you. That’s what my bf is doing. 

Although this issue seems moot, I disagree with the other Bee’s ragging on you about buying a house with him before marriage. A house is an investment, and it’s often more cost saving than renting. And a lot of people can’t afford to buy on their own. I think buying a home with an SO is ok as long as you have 1) written agreement about financial arrangements 2) you can both afford it 3) you both have title 4) you have a clear, written exit plan should things not work out.

It is so refreshing to see a waiting Bee who took charge of her own life and put stability over the “surprise” bullshit. May other waiting Bees follow your example. Hope to see more posts from you about wedding planning! Microweddings are in these days!

Post # 58
Member
2960 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
@maddy762:  Congratulations!

Post # 59
Member
294 posts
Helper bee

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@maddy762: Exchanging vows just between the two of you could be romantic. Could you do a private ceremony and then have a nice sit down dinner with your family and grandparents afterwards?  

Post # 60
Member
294 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@bluebonnetbee:  Just saw the update. Congrats!! I’m glad it worked out ๐Ÿ™‚  

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