(Closed) Together 9 years he's cancelled our wedding 3 times this year :(

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2815 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

How do you stay with someone who can’t commit fully? You don’t.

It sounds like there are MANY issues here in the relationship other than the fact that he obviously does not want ot get married. I would suggest couples counselling, but do you think he would agree to that?

Honestly, it sounds like you guys are not all that compatible. I would seriously try to make plans to start a new life, if you won’t be happy with him.

Post # 5
Member
6247 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

@Upsetc:  If he won’t go to counseling then at least get yourself into counseling.  As an outsider, I am screaming RUNNNNNN!  But I understand it’s hard from your standpoint because you have a lot of factors to worry about, including your children.  But staying with someone who keeps lying to you (yes, he is lying to you) is hurting you and in turn hurting your children.  Maybe a professional therapist would be able to provide you with resources to help you get out on your own.  And help you handle the stress of ending the romantic relationship with this man but still maintaining the business relationship and father-of-your-child relationship.

Post # 7
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

First off (( HUGS )) because I am sorry you are going thru this.

I can relate a little. When I was 43, I was newly seperated, and found that there were TOO MANY men out there (over 40) who had a whole other list of expectations in regards to dating than I had encountered 20 years earlier.

Seems to me that they fell into a couple of categories…

1- Looking for a long term committed relationship

2- Looking for sex without any sort of a relationship (lol, and a lot of them were actually married)

3- Said they were looking for a relationship, but really weren’t … for many it was a way to remain single, lead a gal along, and get the perks of a “relationship”… be that sex, money, whatever… and when it didn’t work, move onto another “dating” situation (lol, and for the record, a lot of the guys in this category were also married and playing around on the side… not always easy to discover, in that they were often good at covering their tracks)

4- Crappy men who were single, had tons of issues, and were quite clearly the men that other women had “tossed out”… be that from past marriages, relationships, whatever.  (Including a significant percentage who had NEVER been married)

The trick I soon discovered, as a newly single lady of a certain age, was to find the very small percentage of men that belonged to Category # 1 (I’d say that less than 10% of the men I met over 40 belonged to this category vs the other 3)

From reading your topic it sounds to me like your Guy is part of Category # 3 with a side of # 4

As others have said, you need to seriously look at getting out of this relationship if you wish to marry… as clearly he has no interest in it.  If he won’t go to counselling, because he sees “nothing wrong” that is a HUGE RED FLAG.

Lesson # 1… Men do not change for their partners… generally speaking what you see is what you get.

You mention having spent 10 Years with him… as Greg Behrendt would say “you are wasting the pretty” my dear, on a Man who DOES NOT APPRECIATE IT OR YOU

Two great books that I discovered after my Divorce that helped me a lot to understand what men think about relationships are…

Greg Behrendt’s “He’s Just Not That Into You”

and

Dr Phil’s “Love Smart – Find the Man You Want – Fix the Man You Got”

Both gave me great insight into WHY what I was doing in the Dating World wasn’t working out for me the way I wanted… helped me elminate all the Guys from Categories 2 thru 4, and find that small percentage of Great Guys in Category 1. 

Suggest you pick up a copy of Greg’s book first, it is a very small book / easy read, and you’ll have your eyes opened very quickly on what is going on currently with the man in your relationship.  Pay particular attention to the Chapter entitled “He’s Just Not That Into You – IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO MARRY YOU”

All in all, I wish you well, because I know how hard it can be to date over 40 as a single mom… but I want you to know there are great men out there… (witness the fact that I am an Encore Bride-2-B) ya just have to know how to read the “map” in order to find them.

(( HUGS ))

 

Post # 8
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would not stay, and it sounds like he’s given you several reasons to leave him already. After 9 years together, you might have some rights that could help get you going – I’d hate for you to stay in this situation just because you’re financially bound and I would hate to think that he’s taking advantage of your inability to move out on your own.

He doesn’t want to get married, and if that’s something that’s important to you, then you need to sever your relatio shop because you’ll never be on the same page. Old dog, new tricks, etc.

Post # 9
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I wouldn’t be comfortable marrying this man. That is an absurd reason to call it off. When you are married (if he goes through with it) what will he do whenever you have a petty argument? Threaten to leave you? Do you want to live like that?

Post # 10
Member
1330 posts
Bumble bee

I a msorry to hear you are going through this however, you need to use your energy convincing yourself you can move forward and make a plan, not put your energy towrds thinking how hard this will be once you are out. This process can take awhile, but from what you have written, it sounds like this relationship is definitely on the out.

 

I own a biz with my Fiance and so I can completely relate to the fear if things don’t work out and what to do with the biz. This is a messy situation however, speaking with a good lawyer or a professional who can advise you what can happen and how to prepare will be better than any piece of advice here.

You have a life with him and committment-phobe or not, he is not living up to his end of the bargain and is hurting you and his family in the process. Even IF he turned around and said “Okay hon, lets get married tomorrow” would you, knowing what he has done? People don’t change their reservations overnight. Or over days.

His reservations most likely have everything to do with his own internal struggle but this is not your problem. It is his. Either he wants to figure out a way to work through it and get better or he doesn’t.

But would I stay? No! Absolutely not. Whatever you decide is your decision, no one can decide for you, and I do wish you all the best in whatever happens.

Post # 11
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Seriously this guy should realize how lucky that you want to marry him at all considering his horrible behavior.

Given his track record with you alone it’s a pretty clear indicator that perhaps this isn’t the time to be considering marraige. My advice to you is start saving, make some financial plans, get another job, and try to create a stable enviorment to move to with your children. This Man has shown you time and time again who he is and whath is intentions are, and I think it’s time to beilive him. YOu wasted nine years don’t waste anymore!

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