(Closed) Together for 6 years, he's had the ring for about 4-5 years and yet nothing…

posted 8 months ago in Waiting
Post # 46
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1667 posts
Bumble bee

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Goirishgrl :  This is the best response ever!  I love that you just tell it like it is!  🙂

Post # 47
Member
3007 posts
Sugar bee

You really are getting some great advice on this thread, so I hope you take it OP.

My relationship started around the same time yours did. We’re a few years older but I’m trying to process what your timeline is vs. what our timeline was. We had the same goals: marriage, house, kids in that order. Ever since we got together we would talk about our goals. We both made significant strides to get to each goal. My husband knew starting a family at a relatively young age was important to me so he proposed when we were together for 2.5 years and we got married after 3.5 years. We bought a house a year later and are now expecting. 

Your boyfriend knew what was important to you and agreed on what was to take place but made no effort to reach each goal. Most men, after knowing where they stand with their girlfriends and knowing what they’re working towards, would have proposed during your pregnancy or shortly after. Holidays are not an excuse. There are 365 days in a year he could have chosen from. He could have found an affordable ring. He could have proposed with no ring and let you chose one. 

Even if he really does have a ring, there is a huge red flag that he’s been saving it this whole time and can’t shit or get off the pot. 

Also, it’s such an excuse to use the whole “my parents got divorced so I’m going to use that as a way to stretch out this relationship without an engagement as long as possible.” 

At this point, you have to decide if marriage is important enough to break up your family or if it’s not a deal breaker and to stay together. 

Post # 48
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1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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lovesbooks99 :  Thanks for the kind words bee.

Post # 49
Member
610 posts
Busy bee

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that if your relationship with him is good and he’s a good partner and father, formal marriage shouldn’t be a deal breaker. You have in no way shown him that marriage is important to you. You chose to have a family and a life with this man, and at this point the legal marriage is a formality. I would not punish my children by leaving their father and splitting up my family over a formality that has not mattered to me until now. Those ultimatums and life changes are fine when you only have yourself to think about, but you brought children into it and that changes things. Children shouldn’t be a reason to stay in a bad relationship, but suddenly deciding marriage is a deal breaker this far into an otherwise happy family isn’t fair either. You let that ship sail. In many states you’d be considered commonlaw married anyway. 

What I would insist is the legal protection marriage brings. You should have wills and power of attorney papers drawn up in the event of illness or death. 

Post # 50
Member
7760 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

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unicornwolf :  

Post # 51
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I agree with the PP who said set a date at the courthouse and tell him to show up. You have both agreed that you want to get married and he’s wasted all the chances he’s had to ask you so now it’s time for you to take control. If I were you I’d say that I’ve been waiting years for a proposal and I’m sick of waiting. He either shows up and you get married or he doesn’t, either way you know where you stand. It might seem extreme but I couldn’t take any more time of waiting around to see if he does anything. You deserve to know where you stand so that when it comes time to make decisions you have the information you need in order to do so.

Good luck Bee!

Post # 52
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

Two significant things to think about here:

1. You’re both living the way married couples do + kids. So tell me what in the Sam Hill is stopping him from marriage!? It’s like you’re married– but not officially. He doesn’t want to make it official for some reason or another. 

2. He bought the ring clearly intending to propose. What made him change his mind? That’s not for us to know– but for you to be aware of because he clearly changed his mind at some point or else you would have been engaged and married. 

3. The old saying of why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free. He’s comfortable, Bee!! He’s too comfortable! You got pregnant twice, he has the house/home (rented or otherwise) and he has kids.  

4. He’s telling you what you want to hear. Dreams of the proposal, asking your dad etc etc. That’s what people do who are traditional or who are at an earlier relationship stage than you two are ie: before kids! So he’s either an elusive dreamer or a liar. That’s pillow talk and stop letting him play you with it! 

 

Post # 53
Member
1334 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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unicornwolf :  here’s the thing…how good can a relationship be when one partner can’t be honest with the other about something as significant as marriage? 

Look, I’m not jumping up and down screaming “leave him”.  However, if I were in OPs position I would be giving serious consideration as to whether the man I was with had any respect for me at all.  And I would be calling him out on his mind fuck games of dangling a five year old engagement rings just out if reach until he asks my fathers permission, and figures out how to make it special during a month when life will stand still and nothing else will overshadow the magnificent event!  I mean, how can a mere engagement compare with THE FAIR for Christ’s sake?!?!

God damn it!  I’m getting pissed off over my coffee again! 

Bottom line, this guy needs to man the hell up and either do the deed or be honest about not wanting marriage instead of throwing out multiple lame excuses. 

Post # 54
Member
610 posts
Busy bee

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Goirishgrl :  I agree he needs to nut up or shut up. He’s pacifying her, and needs to come clean about the fact he’s never going to marry her, or, just do it already. She absolutely does need to insist on some legal protection either way. 

Post # 55
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2021

In My Humble Opinion Marriage is the start of the commitment to building a life and a family with someone…

If I had children with someone before taking that first step to commit to being a family in the first place.. the ring, engagement & wedding are just a formality at that point. 

You are already a family and will forever be a family, together or not. Your kids tied you two together for life. 

Post # 56
Member
1499 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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caniofferyouafishsandwich :  “the ring, engagement, and wedding” may be mere formalities/ frippery, but marriage is not.  Everything from how any property either of you acquire can be treated after a breakup, rights to retirement benefits, and even who can make end-of-life decisions for you are directly tied to marriage. Health insurance benefits, inheritance rights, access to credit or joint liability, presumptive paternity, power of attorney, official recognition of your relationship across state and international lines, etc are no trivial matter.   

Marriage confers dozens of rights and obligations to one another instantly.  Marriage costs less than $100 in most jurisdictions in the US.

Finding an attorney to draw up alternative documents to confer the same rights and obligations would cost thousands of dollars. Those documents won’t work the same way internationally or in different domestic locations. 

If OP were holding out for a piece of jewelry, that would be a bit odd. It’s maddening to hear otherwise intelligent women claim that marriage is just a formality when it is the most consequential legal decision an adult can make. 

Post # 57
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2021

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coffeecakez :  Did you write all that for me? Or for the OP?

You must have not understood any of what I said, cause I’m pro-courthouse once children are a factor. I would’ve done that as soon as I found out I was pregnant, even if we never told anyone we were legally married, and later “officially” engaged with a romantic wedding. 

The proposal, ring, engagement and big wedding are a formality, when they can just go sign the documents this week if they wanted. But maybe she wants the romance also? 

Bottom line is, he needs to make a bleeping effort in this. 

Post # 58
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

EDIT: my post should have read A FEW SIGNIFICANT things to think about, lol not two! Autocorrect problems. 

Post # 59
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee

OP, get a ring and propose to him. Quit letting him dictate the timeline of your life. If his masculinity is so fragile he’d say no just because you proposed to him and not the other way around, he’s not a good role model for your kids anyway. 

Post # 60
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2021

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friday001133 :  You’re definitely not being too hsrsh on him. So much time has already passed but him having that ring for this long is crazy. I would think he’s just stringing me along now. Knowing he has the ring has you so close you can taste the proposal, but it still hasnt. I really hate to hear this because it sounds like mind games. Why drag your feet with someone you’re madly in love with? You guys talked about kids and a house after getting married but both of those things happened before so what excuse does he have? & girl all that “holiday” talk can ge thrown out of the window thats BS. Its not a holiday every day of every month so thats irrielevant.

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