(Closed) Together for 6 years, he's had the ring for about 4-5 years and yet nothing…

posted 10 months ago in Waiting
Post # 76
Member
1700 posts
Bumble bee

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friday001133 :  Congrats! Is there a story behind the ring? Or is it a placeholder? I imagine it’s fairly difficult to buy a ring given current conditions.

Post # 78
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1700 posts
Bumble bee

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friday001133 :  Apologies, it looked like a CZ at first glance. I missed the part where he had the ring for years – did he really keep it in his car?

Post # 80
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2020

I feel like you want us to tell you to wait. That it will happen. But if this were a true d or even your own child telling you this would you tell them to wait? 

 

You said you are giving him an ultimatum of 30.. I think you should look at this as if he is not going to ask you. Are you going to be happy that you waited 10years?

 

No response, or action is a response. You shouldn’t be with someone who is emotionally manipulating you dangling a ring in front of you, telling you people know, that he has had it for years. That is very disrespectful to you. 

 

Honestly I would walk away. You don’t have to hold on to relationships that don’t work for you. An engagement isn’t something you get as a reward for being a great girlfriend. It’s something that mature adults enter into as a partnership.

Post # 82
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753 posts
Busy bee

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friday001133 :  I just hope you don’t have to wait another 6 years for the wedding. Or a ‘real’ ring if you want one. But congrats

Post # 84
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1624 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

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lizziebeebee :  “An engagement isn’t something you get as a reward for being a great girlfriend. It’s something that mature adults enter into as a partnership.”

THIS!!! OP. The same applies to marriage.

Don’t “hope.” Act. If marriage is what you want, set an actual date for the wedding, whether it’s in the courthouse or the Bahamas. Don’t let your children grow up to thinking it’s ok to tag along someone else’s life while having no say. 

Not trying to rain on your parade. I just don’t think a ring, whether it’s a 3 carat Tiffany diamond or a pawnshop CZ, is a magic cure for your being a dootmat and him taking you for granted. 

Congrats and good luck. 

Post # 85
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2198 posts
Buzzing bee

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friday001133 :  

It sounds like zeroing in on heartfelt, focused communication made a difference.  Yu can apply that same approach to conversations regarding expectations for the wedding.  You said you want simple so make it clear that you don’t want any delays for the sake of having the “perfect” wedding.  I don’t see any benefit to viewing this with a pessimistic eye right now.  Draft some plans for a pleasing simple wedding as soon as health code restrictions ease up to allow for a small wedding to be done safely and responsibly within CDC recommendations etc.  Safety first.  No delays of any other non-pandemic related nature.  That should be easy enough.  Communication!  I’m wishing you success and happiness, Bee.  And it doesn’t matter if that ring is a cz or the world’s most expensive diamond.  It’s an engagement ring.  You don’t need a diamond upgrade for this engagement to be real.  Get him on board for concrete plans for a a simple and sweet court house wedding–which can be lovely by the way!  Lovely pics on this site for court house weddings.  No reason you can’t wear a pretty dress.  No reason to jump to conclusions that this wedding won’t happen.  Congratulations!

Post # 87
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2198 posts
Buzzing bee

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friday001133 :  

He wants a full wedding?  I hope that doesn’t translate to more delays.  Try to save up.  I’ll remain optimistic for you.  I do expect comments to continue to come in on a critical/pessimistic wavelength.  Only time will tell here, so what can you do.  You may want to consider this thread “resolved” and close it from that perspective.  You can start a new thread when you move into the planning stages. Up to you.  I’m just making a suggestion.

Post # 89
Member
3228 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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friday001133 :  your guess is 1-2 *more* years until you’re actually married?! HE wants a full wedding and won’t go to the courthouse?! After 6 years and multiple kids together already?!

I’m sorry but it’s a shut it up ring given just to buy additional years.   He will still be telling you “soon”  years from now as it worked in the past. . Easy way to check this,  tell him you’re both going to the courthouse once this pandemic passes and you’ll plan the big wedding party in a year or two…see if he goes with you.  If he baulks, makes excuses, refuses, you’ll know.

 

Post # 90
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

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coffeecakez :  

The consequences of marriage that you cite are based on the marriage legislation in each jurisdiction. 

the marriage itself can cross state lines (and foreign lands, sure) but the original jurisdiction’s legislation will not follow it unless someone has a good conflicts of laws attorney. Marriage dissolution is based on residence and asset location. 

so saying that cohabitation agreements (or similar) are less useful (or even less value form money) isn’t true. They can easily be made more useful than marriage itself by (just one example) preventing assets being domiciled in alternative jurisdictions without consent of both parties. 

London is the “divorce capital” of the world because (primarily) English and Welsh law assumes that non working spouses contribute substantially to the financial earning power of the working spouse. 

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/shortcuts/2015/feb/24/divorce-rich-husband-london-english-law

most of the marriages above referenced were solemnised elsewhere. 

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