(Closed) Together for 6 years, he's had the ring for about 4-5 years and yet nothing…

posted 6 months ago in Waiting
Post # 91
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152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2021

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friday001133 :  I could not agree with 
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mrstodd2bee more! You two have children already and you should get legally married ASAP, even if you plan a wedding for a later date. 

Post # 92
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2028 posts
Buzzing bee

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mrstodd2bee :  +10000

OP, mrstodd2bee’s advice could save you *years* of limbo. Please consider taking this advice.

I’m concerned because now he wants you to wait 1-2 years for a wedding. You don’t need two years to plan a wedding, especially when you just want the legal benefits of marriage for your children. That ship has sailed. Even if you yourself insisted on the big party, it doesn’t take 2 years to make it happen.

Tell him you’re going to the courthouse ASAP and planning the big reception in the next year or two since the wedding is so important to him and the legality is so important to you. Perfect compromise. You will know immediately what his intentions are 

It is a win-win for you because you can get married sooner and have the security for you and your children and if he truly was stalling for time then you will know without having to waste more time.

Good luck 

Post # 94
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2028 posts
Buzzing bee

Okay that sounds less concerning. I hope everything works out! 

Post # 95
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189 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

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friday001133 :  Congrats! Keep the open communcation going on what you want, as well. We are all happy for you, but we also want to make sure you have no more problems with the waiting game in the future.

Post # 97
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1021 posts
Bumble bee

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friday001133 :  

Forgive me if you have mentioned this already. I have not read all 7 pages of comments.

But if he comes from a family where his parents have had multiple divorces, I can pretty much guarantee you that he is going to have some commitment issues and fear around taking that big step. I know because I come from a family like that. My mom and my dad have both been divorced twice, my dad is on his third marriage, and all my parents’ marriages have been acrimonious and filled with drama, especially their marriage to each other. This has left me with a lot of deep-seated issues that I have had to work through over the course of several years.

The bees, as well meaning as they are, rarely seem to understand this and are quick to dismiss someone’s (valid) commitment fears as “he’s just making excuses” or “he just doesn’t want to”. If they don’t have emotional issues stemming from their family of origin, God bless them, but it’s a very real thing for many people.

The point is, has he had therapy or is he in therapy or any kind of counselling to deal with issues arising from having numerous stepfathers and stepmothers and probably a very unstable childhood and how he feels about marriage? These issues can present very real obstacles in a relationship and really should be worked through with a professional.

I am very glad to see your update that he is willing to do a courthouse wedding in the near future, but I would still strongly recommend counselling, either for him individually or for you as a couple. It’s not a sign of weakness or failure – many people need it and do not seek help, unfortunately.

Post # 98
Member
9944 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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friday001133 :  

YOU want to wait ( another) one or two years….!. ?   I am now completely at a loss as to what this whole post was about .

l hope you don’t plan on any more children in this new moratorium period . Even if you do, just stop banging on about marriage being important to you. I think he has brainwashed you into the same prevarication state he occupies. 

Post # 99
Member
30 posts
Newbee

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@friday001133:  I personally think you’ve given him enough of your time, with or without a child. Please – you are still young (and I’m the same age as you are) – and there are options out there who won’t make you wait 6 years. That’s long enough to make up your mind. 

Post # 101
Member
17 posts
Newbee

All in all I just want to say sorry for all other Bees who are quite rude and don’t understand that at the end of all of this you love your man and that’s why it’s so hard for you.

I really hope that he will propose, don’t let the internet and comments from strangers dictate your feeling about your relationship!

 

Hope for the best bee πŸ™‚

Post # 102
Member
17 posts
Newbee

All in all I just want to say sorry for all other Bees who are quite rude and don’t understand that at the end of all of this you love your man and that’s why it’s so hard for you. I really hope that he will propose, don’t let the internet and comments from strangers dictate your feeling about your relationship!   Hope for the best bee πŸ™‚

Post # 103
Member
2028 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Miss.BumbleBee:  meh you just didn’t like the responses you got on your own waiting thread (which you have subsequently deleted of course) and are now resorting to posting passive aggressive comments about how rude bees are on a month-old thread πŸ˜’

Post # 104
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17 posts
Newbee

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@neverbeenstungbee:  And here you are calling me out and following me on this month old thread. Also i kind of crazy that you didn’t comment on my thread but you know that I didn’t like responses and that I deleted it. think everything is clear here πŸ™‚

Post # 105
Member
4763 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@Miss.BumbleBee:  Resurecting a thread to check in on an OP is perfectly fine but please don’t resurect an old thread particularly if it’s to just to make you feel better about your own thread and the advice you got. πŸ™„

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