Told I would be a bridesmaid then never got asked

posted 10 months ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Haha I’ve spent quite a bit of time reflecting on this and trying to be introspective.  DH’a friend did exactly what you described imagining the fiance in your scenario doing- he caused quite a bit of drama over it, cussing us out and issuing ultimatums. However, we had just been married so it was a bit clearer cut to us that, in conjunction with some other recent instances, his friend was having difficulty allowing him to grow into his new role as a husband and wouldn’t respect new, adult boundaries. Sometimes old friends don’t take well to change.

Think about the type of people you want to be, and whether you want to waste time and emotional energy on people who do blatantly passive aggressive things and then get dramatic when people react in any way that deviates from their script (if someone ever says “but it’s my wedding” as an excuse or justification for their actions, or as a reason why you should affirmatively go out of your way to do something for them after saying no, that’s a huge red flag). They are telling you now that this is how they view you and how you will be treated in the future. Only keep up the relationship if you are ok with that. 

catqueen92 :  

Post # 19
Member
2906 posts
Sugar bee

IME people get really excited about their wedding when they first get engaged, but haven’t really started looking at their budget in detail.  Add that to the fact that you moved away and maybe she had to make some cuts.

You can obviously feel hurt by this, but I would try not to take offense to it.  She obviously shouldn’t have said anything, but in the moment, she probably just got excited.

 

Post # 20
Member
3592 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

That is really strange and I totally see why you feel hurt. Not really much you can do about it and I don’t see any good coming out of saying something about it, but at least you can rest assured that your feelings are totally reasonable and normal. I think anyone in this situation would feel hurt. 

Post # 21
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

First off, I totally get being upset about this especially if she had made a comment about getting ready to be a bridesmaid or something like that. Perfectly understandable and I think anyone would be upset about being told one thing (even in a sort of loose joking way), then finding out that’s not actually the case. 

But what I don’t understand is the mentality that not making someone a bridesmaid somehow says you don’t value their friendship and that the relationship is doomed to die after that. Wedding planning is hard and there’s always curveballs you don’t expect, plus trying to coordinate 7+ bridesmaids would be a nightmare IMO. And the more that aren’t in town the more difficult that gets. It’s not usually a personal slight against a person to not be included in the wedding party. Sometimes it is, sure. And it’s totally understandable to feel slighted in this scenario – I’m definitely not trying to invalidate your feelings. But to jump to the “it’s time to reevaluate the friendship just because she didn’t make me a bridesmaid” is a bit OTT, unless there have been numerous instances of her not valuing the friendship.

ETA: That last part wasn’t directed at you OP, more of just a comment on an opinion that I’ve seen expressed a lot in my time on this site but had never heard of before.

Post # 24
Member
567 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

If you don’t want to talk to her about it, that’s your prerogative. But don’t just blindly assume the worst about it (like you seem to be doing in your latest updates) while still being nice to her on the phone. There is a reason you weren’t asked. I’d much rather know than to blindly assume she didn’t consider me “good enough.” If it that is indeed the case, it sounds like your SO needs to reconsider his role in this wedding as well as his friendship with the groom.

Post # 25
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Ugh, I would be so upset if I were in your position. Still, your two choices are to 1. Talk to her about it or 2. Let it go and spend your energy on your other things. I think asking her could be an awkward/painful conversation, so my personal advice would be to wear a fabulous dress that looks better than any bridesmaid gown and try to just enjoy the event. I’m sure she still cares about you as a friend and would feel awkward if she had to explain why she didn’t ask you. Maybe costs were a reason? Maybe she wanted to keep wedding related events small and in-town? You could always try to give her the benefit of the doubt, while realizing that maybe this friendship isn’t quite as close as you thought.

Post # 26
Member
12320 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

catqueen92 :  Maybe she’s one of those brides who is misguided enough to think that the “maid” in the word bridesmaid suggests only those who live close enough to perform non-existent job related tasks should be in the party. If you were to approach her, my guess is she would spin it as if she thought she was doing you a favor. If so, you probably did dodge a bullet. 

The title is meant to honor a relationship, period. The only obligations involved are attending a rehearsal if possible, showing up in a dress you’ve been consulted on for budget and style, standing up for the couple in support, and helping in minor ways on the actual day of. Anything more is completely voluntary and optional. 

It is not at all difficult to “coordinate” out of town bridesmaids if you don’t have an inappropriately inflated idea of what the role includes in the first place.

Post # 28
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee

For me, what would be worse is the wondering why. That would eat at me over time. I would ask your SO to bring it up to his friend. It doesn’t have to be a big deal, he could just mention when they are talking next, “hey, I thought catqueen92 was going to be a bridesmaid, do you know what’s going on with that?” and that’s all. 

You could always message it to her if you want, but it’s a little easier for everyone involved to save face if your SO does it. If you say something to her directly, she will feel put on the spot and might have to say something you don’t want to hear. 

Post # 30
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

Op, I don’t say this to hurt your feelings or make you upset, but is it possible your friend has picked up the vibe you are down about the fact you’re not engaged? If I remember right you posted a acouple weeks ago in regards to your SO’s brother getting engaged. That you and your SO had certain feelings about it all. If it wasn’t you, I apologize for mistaken you for another bee, but if this *is* you then it’s possible the bride picks up on your harboring feelings towards engagements, etc or maybe you’ve mentioned something to her (without remembering or knowing you did) and she is distancing herself from you.

Once again not trying to resurface something that hurts you- just some food for thought?

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