(Closed) Told my fiancé I wanted to break up during a fight.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee

I can understand why he is upset. That is hurtful. Imagine if something happens when you are married and have a petty argument and you say you want a divorce. 

Communication is key. You need to have a serious conversation…soon.

Post # 3
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Personally I think you need to grow up. Marriage is full of ups and MANY downs. If everytime you argue you react like this either 1: You’ll get exactly what you’re asking for (he’ll leave) or 2: it will be like the boy who cried wolf and your words will have less sting.

Maybe seek some couneslling or read some books on relationships and how to fight fair. This is very important in any relationship and show your fiancé you are working on your issues. Other than that I’m really not sure how you can move forward.

For what it’s worth you two are NOT okay.

Post # 5
Member
1009 posts
Bumble bee

Oof – that’s rough, bee. I agree with PP – counseling and serious conversations are important. And also, I think you’ll just have to bear it a bit with your Fiance needing time. I tend to move on quickly from disappointments and fights, but my guy takes a long time to recover from things. It takes patience, but he does recover!

Post # 6
Member
6935 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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SparkleTangerine :  Therapy. ASAP. You admit you’re both terrible communicators so…take steps to fix it!

I’d also put the wedding on hold. You have stuff you need to work through and it’s not fair to break up with him when you fight just for a reaction. If I were him, I’d be having second thoughts too. 

Post # 7
Member
13223 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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SparkleTangerine :  Sorry, but if anyone had ever said this to me, they would have gotten their wish. That is not a threat to be made unless you are dead serious. Words matter. 

Post # 8
Member
4241 posts
Honey bee

Well, the good news is that you recognize there are problems, that you behaviour was incredibly immature, and that your fiancé has a right to be hurt. That shows some level of introspection which leads me to believe you aren’t automatically doomed.

I think what you need to do it hold off on any wedding talk, and focus on fixing these problems with the help of a professional. They will hopefully be able o teach you healthy communication strategies. 

Post # 9
Member
1494 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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SparkleTangerine :  I’ve said it before to some other bee and hoping this helps. When we were taking our per-cana lessons the deacon and his wife told us that in an effort to avoid a full metldown (which seems to have happened here) walk away before the fight starts, take a breather, and after you are thinking clearly write down on a piece of paper your feelings and have him do the same. Then read what the other one has written. It is less likely to escalate as the tone in writing is different than when speaking. Hopefully this can help you guys communicate more effectively the things you have a hard time with, and not spin so out of control. Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
2127 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

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SparkleTangerine :  Holy moly! What you did was horrible. But at least you know that, and I honestly don’t think your relationship is doomed.

You need to take steps now to reassure your fiancé and yourself that something similar will not happen again. You need to learn to fight fair and not be nasty or provoke. Do you think therapy like CBT would help you? It may sound a little dramatic to seek therapy after one argument, but if you’re fighting dirty and saying hurtful things that cause issues in your relationship then perhaps a short course would benefit you and your upcoming marriage. Your fiancé needs to be reassured that this was a one off and understand that you’re committed to this relationship. Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Here’s a big *eyeroll* to everyone stating the obvious about your making a mistake, needing to grow up, etc… duh? Isn’t that why you posted here, OP? First off, good on you for recognizing you made a big mistake. That’s a sign of maturity & despite your actions showing otherwise, it’s obvious that you really do understand the gravity of the situation.

I was in a really unhealthy marriage where this type of fight happened all the time. “I’m leaving, I don’t want to be married, I hate this, blah blah blah” it came from both of us & it became a routine part of our fighting. Fast forward to my now awesome marriage (with a much different person), and I’ll admit that the first time we fought I almost slipped back into my same, old habits… THANKFULLY I stopped myself and those days are just distant memories… but it took a lot of work to get to this point and I completely understand where you’re at in life. 

First of all, as someone else said, just hold off on wedding talk. Do I think you broke up? No, I think you said some stupid stuff you didn’t mean. But he has feelings and he’s right to be hurt because those words are piercing. Work on yourself, lift him up with prayer if you’re the praying kind, praise him for being a good fiance and spend time loving him for more than just the obvious things that you see every day and take for granted. IT’s time to show your man that you’re serious, not just let rhetoric take over and “fix’ it with words… words are what got you in this mess. 

Second, counseling is great but go alone first. Show him that you’re getting help for YOURSELF and that you’re not doing this to just try and have someone else patch you two up. Let him know that you saw some serious personal flaws within yourself that he doesn’t deserve to have to deal with, so you’re working on you so you both can be a better couple. Then, invite him with you and work on the “us,” but make sure the “me” is ready for that. 

That being said, marriage is a lot of give and take and a lot of work. If you’re truly sorry, you apologize and you do everything you can to make ammends but he just isn’t having it? Well, better that you find out now that he’s not a forgiving person than to get married and have to deal with that for the rest of your marriage. He needs to give you grace just as much as you need to give him space & proof that the real you isn’t going anywhere. 

 

Post # 12
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

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SparkleTangerine :  “How do we learn to communicate when we both shut down when emotional topics come up?”

You get a mediator. Counselling can help SO much with this. Communication is a huge skill you’re going to need, because emotional topics are when you need to do it best. If absolutely nothing else, get some related books and read them together or listen to the audiobook version. Stop and talk about things as you go along. You’ll learn why you s individuals shut down, what triggers it, how to identify it before it happens, and what to do differently. 

Post # 13
Member
10371 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

That was a really dumb thing to do and I think you realize that now after the fact. Don’t say things you don’t mean just to “get a reaction” or you might get exactly what you’re asking for.

You’re are going to have to take accountability and tell him exactly why you did what you did and then you are going to need to do some serious work to earn back his trust. Because, pretty much, you just proved to him that he can’t depend on you. Then, counseling for yourself to get to the bottom of why you felt like you needed to do this in the first place, then secondly in a joint manner to work on communication.

Post # 14
Member
2676 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I had an ex that used to make threats like this everyone we would have a disagreement. Afterwards he would grovel, beg, and cry until I would take him back. He was a master manipulator and emotionally abusive. 

Early on in our dating relationship my now fiancé made a similar threat during a heated argument. When the situation had settled down, I calmly explained to him that if he ever made that threat again, he would get his wish. 

Your man may be more tolerant on this issue than I am, but you also admit you didn’t stop with the threat and pushed it farther. 

You admit your relationship has major communication issues. I think you guys would be very wise to put marriage and engagement on the back burner and focus on working on these issues. It sounds like your relationship, in its current state, is not a healthy one . 

Post # 15
Member
1687 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Okay. I’m in my 30s and I can still be a pain in the ass. And I’m going to keep it real here.

Communication is key in any relationship, not just romantic ones. But a lot of us aren’t good at it. I’m sorry but I refuse to believe that everyone in here just communicates greatly because they must have taken a course in college or something? No. While some of us had great examples growing up, A LOT of us did NOT. We learned what we saw. Some of us learned to shut down while others learned to be impulsive. 

My fiancé and I fight. Yes! We do. And there have been a couple of ugly fights where we scream too! Gasp!! And we have said things we didn’t mean! Double gasp!! But we apologized and realize that our communication is still not as strong as we want and need it to be. We learn as we go. Again, we are both educated and good citizen adults in our 30s. Triple gasp!!! 

I can tell you feel like shit. And you should. I’m not justifying what you did or said. But I’m not going to doom you and say you need therapy ASAP. And to call of the wedding ASAP. I wouldn’t start blabbing about wedding stuff either so I would cool my jets on any wedding talk for a bit.

But what I will say is… You need to think about what you did, and talk completely openly with your man. I’m talking about be completely vulnerable and just lay it out. He needs to know just how horrible you feel and how it’s bothering you even days (or whatever) later. 

While yes, it is very immature, you are human. We all fall and act like assholes sometimes. And sometimes even act like immature assholes. 

I did what you did too. And it hurt my fiancé is well. Then he did it one time to me and omg it hurt me very much as well. I felt like shit for days! But I remembered that I had opened that up in our relationship and I had a heart to heart with him. We apologized and promised to never ever take our commitment lightly that way even in the midst of the worst fight… We are serious about each other. We love each other. He’s my world and I’m his. But sometimes when the love of our lives hurt us or make as angry.. We want to lash back and really hit them where it hurts. It’s our evil, our nature and our biggest battle. 

Please get up and dust yourself off. 

Marriage is about forgiving each other ALL THE TIME. You’re going to do stupid shit in marriage too! You’re going to say mean things again. The important part is that you get back up, forgive yourself, apologize from the heart and learn from it. 

 

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