(Closed) Told my fiancé I wanted to break up during a fight.

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

Your Fiance sounds a bit like my Darling Husband.  My Darling Husband and I have had fights as BF/GF, as an engaged couple, and now as married.  Darling Husband does not react very much and usually just sits there and listens to me rant and rave.  It just pisses me off more!  But, I have never said anything quite so drastic.  Sometimes you just cannot take back what you said.  I believe that you should not bring up separation, breaking up, or divorce during a fight ever.  These are words to take seriously and if you can easily throw those around because your upset that might make it seem like you aren’t that committed to the relationship.  If you really think you need to separate from Fiance you should discuss it calmly, like adults.    While I don’t think your behavior is completely unforgivable, I do think that you need to be patient with Fiance. Therapy is certainly something you should both consider. 

Post # 17
Member
381 posts
Helper bee

So…at some point in our engagement Darling Husband and I had a big fight (I don’t recall why) and at one point he said to me “maybe we shouldn’t get married, and of course I started crying. It was a big pointless fight, but I think it had to do with the fact that I was pressuring him to do something he didn’t want to (maybe wedding related) and he was feeling he was not good enough for me (which he somedays is very insecure about). As a cried, he stepped out of our house and took some time to cool off (he is hot tempered) then returned and hugged me apologizing. We talked until the next morning, stated we did wanted to get married and decided we needed to find a way to deal with these sort of big pointless fights.

But, in all honesty, it took me some time to get over the idea that maybe he didn’t want to marry me. I feared that he had spoken out of real honesty and not just anger, and so a tiptoed around him constantly asking him if he was 100% sure he wanted to marry me. I was scared (and the fact that I suffer from BPD didn’t help) that he might suddenly change his mind again. I was also scared that our love was so weak that he would have said those words.

In the end, I got over it mostly because I was able to really understand the situation and why he had said those words (mindfulness); and also because he was really patient with me reassuring me everyday (and still nowadays) that he is happy to be married to me and always answering with a smile when I ask him if he ever regrets marrying me or if he really enjoys being my husband. His actions made me feel safe again.

Post # 20
Member
997 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

well, at least you recognize you were being immature and idiotic. Trying to get a reaction out of someone you love by threatening to break up with them is something a 14 year old girl does, not someone who is about to be married.

Put any wedding plans on hold, figure out how YOU ACTUALLY FEEL about your relationship (maybe you DO want it to end) and then decide if you want to push through this issue with counceling to fix your communication issues

but yikes bee, never ever say that again unless you mean it. 

Post # 22
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee

SparkleTangerine :  You have a lot of growing up to do.

I personally gave my Fiance (my now husband) my ring back over a very valid reason. He was unable to stop giving a very bad friend of his money, and he would always be broke. But because he was a nice guy he never saw it as wrong. I told him I wasn’t prepared to marry someone that was doing that. He shortly made his choice, I have never done it out of spite or in anger.

That probably hurt him a lot, also if you could please let us know what the argument was about? It seems you were VERY upset over whatever it was. But you did push limits and remember some things you can never take back.

Post # 23
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

SparkleTangerine :  well it’s good you recognize your fault and error.

You should say to him sincerely that you love him and you are sorry. That you didn’t mean the things you said. That you recognize you were wrong to have said them. That you are sorry you hurt him. That you love him and you very much want to marry him. And that you will never do it again. 

And you should never behave like that again. 

Post # 24
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

Also don’t talk about things when you’re emotional if you say hurtful things. Wait until you cool down and have time to think clearly. 

Post # 25
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I know you don’t need to be told how uncool that was, but I’m gonna say it anyway… Insisting that you want to end a relationship over a minor disagreement is beyond bad. That’s some emotionally abusive bullshit.  Whether you “meant it” or not, you just expressed a desire to remove him from your life because the two of you disagreed on whatever subject you were arguing about. You used his love for you to gain leverage over him in that argument, and became more focused on hurting him in the worst way you knew how than on the debate at hand. That’s not how you win an argument. That’s how you inspire doubt, insecurity and resentment. You just went straight for the throat and uprooted your whole foundation for the sake of being cruel. That’s not something I’d expect him to get over quickly.  If you really didn’t mean it, then you need to go sort out your priorities. Get your shit together, figure out what he means to you, realize that anybody deserves better than that, and then go and tell him how important he is to you. Make it up to him by going out of your way to show him that he matters to you, and don’t rush it for the sake of your engagement. I wouldn’t marry you at this time either. You’ve been pretty disrespectful to him and your relationship, and you’ve got some rebuilding to do. 

Post # 26
Member
6712 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I think you BOTH need counseling. Clearly, you have a tendency to lash out in anger to get a reaction, but if he completely shuts down instead of communicating, that isn’t a lot better. Your two argument styles are not at all compatible, and there will be further hurt and misunderstanding if you continue without considering how the other person handles conflict. 

Darling Husband and I are similar in that we both withdraw when we’re angry with one another. At the very least, things don’t get said in anger that way. It has been 20 years of marriage now, and invariably one of us apologizes within an hour of the argument. We are both fairly non-confrontational, so it works for us. We also know that when one of us is really angry that it matters because we aren’t normally reactive or angry people.

Post # 27
Member
5876 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

SparkleTangerine :  I’m sorry bee!  Keep in mind that no one is perfect and while others may not have this particular challenge, it doesn’t make you a bad person or unfit.  You just have an aspect of your communication/emotional intelligence you need to work on to improve.  The good thing is, we can always learn to improve these things!

I think that some counseling would be a great option.  If you can’t afford that right now you could also look for books on communication in intimate relationships or on developing emotional intelligence that will help you out with less budget impact. 

Good luck! 

Post # 28
Member
5025 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

Threatening to end a relationship is poison to a relaitonship in my opinoin.  Don’t say it unless you mean it.  An empty threat will only leave you and your SO with fears of abandonment and insecurity.

Post # 29
Member
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

My fiance tried that bullsh!t threat with me the first couple of fights we had after we got engaged. after the 2nd time, when everything had calmed down I firmly explained to him that the next time that was said I was walking out of his life forever, period. He does not ever make that threat EVER. we dont fight often and have been engaged for 1 1/2 years but I will not tolerate any kind of threat. in the fights i am the one being quiet. so personally, I would say, if he said you two are split up, then you are split up. you may want to have a real talk with him.

Post # 30
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

OP I totally feel your pain.  Fiance and I got into a huge argument the other day over wedding stuff that sent me to rethink our relationship.  I’m a huge romantic and my Fiance is not, at all.  Nor is he the type to show any type of reaction sometimes.  We’ve been dating for 4.5 years so this isn’t anything new to me.  Just all of a sudden I felt like he didn’t care about me and my feelings as much as I wanted.  Then I thought about his lack of showing me all this overly obvious signs of love and affection and I questioned if I could marry a man like that. 

I sat at work thinking about it all day.  I said something to my Fiance and it made him ask me “So you don’t want to marry me anymore?”  For the first time ever, I actually heard the glimpse of a cry in his voice.  And he doesn’t cry!  Like ever.  Even when his grandmother passed a couple of years ago.  Anyways, we talked about it for a while and I wasn’t sure.  He was calm though and told me that he is who he is and if I think that there is some other man out there to give me all of those things that I should go find him.  He did though take the time to remind me of all the ways he shows me he loves me. 

In the end, I didn’t call off the wedding or anything.  I knew that that would be too drastic of a decision.  However I know and he told me that I did make him sad and he broke his heart with the thought of me leaving.  After reading this thread though, I feel more horrible about things.  I have a man that loves me through all my flaws (and there are many) and I was thinking about throwing that away.  It worries me about our marriage a little.  Luckily I know that we still have pre-marriage counseling coming up with our officiant so we’ll definitely have to work on this argument resolution.  (I think it’s worth noting that Fiance and I RARELY argue.  Yet the few things that we have, our intensity levels go from 0 to 100 in seconds).

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