(Closed) Told my fiancé I wanted to break up during a fight.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
61 posts
Worker bee

I think you gave him an out and he took it. He sounds like a lucky bastard.

Post # 32
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee

SparkleTangerine :  You did break up with him, though. You show self-awareness – you recognize this was really immature – which is good. I guess it might help him get over it if you decide on your own to take some step to mature and overcome this unhealthy response. Owning your issues and committing to overcoming them is probably the only thing that’ll help. Otherwise how can he trust that this won’t happen every time you argue?

Post # 33
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I think it’s really good that you are recognizing how serious this was and that you know there are things to address.  However, for the day-to-day rebuilding:  all I can say is that you need to continue to be patient.  Basically, you owe him that.  Give him time to process, do all the cheesy extra nice things you can think of, and maybe apologize one more time very sincerely and swear to never do it again.  (And don’t.)

Then don’t bring up this situation ever again.  

And when he brings it up – joking or not – just say sorry and listen if he wants to say more.  Don’t keep trying to explain to him.  He knows you feel bad and it doesn’t help either of you to keep re-hashing it.

I know you want everything to feel okay again – but it doesn’t work that way for him.  Even as he gets over it, he’ll have times that the memory stings a bit, and you need to own up to the fact that your words will have ongoing consequences.  You can be super sorry – but you don’t get to erase consequences immediately either.  Especially when it comes to having wronged someone else. 🙁  be patient and be willing to “pay” for your mistakes by having to suffer some of the tension for a while if that’s the time he needs.

 

Post # 34
Member
4231 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

If it makes you feel any better, both Darling Husband and I have ‘dumped’ eachother in the heat of an arguement a few times over the years. I’ve even thrown my ring at him before! Trust me, a strong relationship can get past all that ‘heat of the moment drama’. It’ll be ok 🙂

Post # 35
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

As someone who’s been on the receiving end of threats like that early in our marriage, I can tell you a few things about how your fiance is feeling.

1) He’s not sure how invested he wants to be right now. If that’s something you are willing not only to just blurt out, but actively push and perpetuate (my Darling Husband did not do that), he’s wondering how long until you actually mean it.

2) That hurts. A lot. He doesn’t want a lot to do with you right now. If in the heat of the moment you are so concerned about being right and winning that you are willing to literally stomp on his heart like that, that’s pretty crappy and painful.

3) It’ll probably take a few years for him to feel completely secure in your relationship again.

 

Pretty big screw up.

 

 

 

Post # 36
Member
1516 posts
Bumble bee

You bluffed with something precious – your relationship. 

He didn’t cave and called you on your bluff and now you’re stuck with your words.  You two need to open your lines of communication and you need to apologize to him for your actions and see what it will take to pull trust back to the forefront. Honestly if my Fiance were to pull that stunt, I don’t know if I’d be secure enough in the relationship to make it permanent. 

Post # 37
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

SparkleTangerine :  honestly if I was your fiancee I wouldn’t want to marry someone who is so vindictive that they would say such things during a fight. I think the best thing for him would be to leave and get out of a relationship where the other person thought to little of him that they can just toss out the most hurtful thing possible for no other reason than to get a reaction. 

This is the advice I would give any woman if her significant other said and did this. Just because the roles are reversed doesn’t mean your actions aren’t a massive red flag. Poor guy. He needs to cut and run. 

Post # 39
Member
1909 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

First thing: Therapy.

Second thing: Don’t say things you’re not ready to follow through. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.

Post # 40
Member
942 posts
Busy bee

Definitely try to take a step back every time you argue. The control is all yours, so I think you should keep silent even if you’re not calm and really wants to say something that you know you will regret later. You can’t take words back, so always think first! I’m also really bad at managing my temper and emotions, but I’ve learnt to shut up just before I say something that will hurt my fiance, and wait for the feelings to pass. 

It’s great that you’re aware that you messed it up though!

I’m sure he’s worried about the marriage and the wedding because he’s unsure if every argument is going to be like this after you guys are married and you’ll want a divorce every single time. I wouldn’t go so far as to say he needs forever to get over this, it really depends on the strength of your relationship, how much he knows you and your emotion/anger issues, how much he trusts you despite that…but if he’s not being okay or you feel that things are all wrong, maybe you should delay your wedding if he’s really not secure about your relationship anymore? It doesn’t mean he want nothing to do with you anymore, he just needs time for the hurt to pass and reevaluate how much he still trusts you.

Good luck!

Post # 41
Member
2482 posts
Buzzing bee

We don’t get over old habits immediately, or even fully after a few years. It takes a lifetime of consistent work to get over things we learned in childhood when we were modeling our behavior after the adults in our lives. It also takes a lot of work to fix the internal issues that cause us to act out in order to “get a reaction.”

You both can take this opportunity to be patient with each other. You are BOTH reacting badly here.

YOU shouldn’t have gone to such an extreme, but you know it’s an issue of yours, and one you’ve been working on. It’s only natural that your old behaviors will flare up again since now you are engaged and “the stakes are higher” so to speak. You are feeling extra vulnerable. You should cut yourself some slack.

HE, for his part, is having just as extreme a reaction. Instead of understanding that you’re scared and that that caused a relapse in behavior, he’s taking it personally and lording it over you to really DRIVE HOME how what you did was wrong. He’s hoping that by REALLY punishing you this time, he won’t have to ever deal with it again. You’ll learn your lesson.

Well, that’s not how a truly loving relationship works, in either direction. You aren’t being trusting and patient with each other. If he agreed to love you and accept you as you are, then that means accepting your flaws, ESP when they are ones he’s known about for a long time and ones that you have been working on. 

I was raised by an extremely unstable mother who was constantly getting into fights with her boyfriends and yelling at me to pack a bag. I can’t tell you how many times I had to pack my tiny red suitcase in the middle of the night and be shuttled to some friend’s house or another, or even sleep in the backseat of the car! And one of my big flaws in a relationship is to want to go to the extreme like this, start packing bags, leave, or threaten it’s bad enough to break up over, etc.

I know this about myself, explained it to SO early on in our relationship, and he’s prepared for it now. It almost never happens, but sometimes I lose control of my emotions. I work really hard at maintaining a moderate perspective, but sometimes I lose it. He has never once held it against me. He knows when I do it that it’s a learned response and that I will need lots more time to “fully” unlearn it. He doesn’t take it personally, and I apologize, and we move on. he knows it has nothing to do with the relationship or him, and he trusts me to continue working on it until it’s a non-issue.

I get where your Fiance is coming from.  NO ONE wants to marry and have kids with someone who will be forever throwing rings at them and threatening divorce. It’s unstable af. But if you have truly been working on it, and it hasn’t happened in years, and it only happened THIS time because of the heightened vulnerability/fear of being engaged, then I think HE needs to stop operating from his own irrational fears that suddenly you’re going to be throwing rings at him every week and instead find some empathy and patience for your struggle. 

The period just after ANY step toward further commitment can be really scary for a lot of people. You are more likely to start operating from a place of fear just after moving in together, just after getting engaged, just after getting married, etc. The great thing is you can use these moments to grow closer together, to learn to recognize fear in each other better, learn to develop more empathy and patience with each other, etc. 

One thing he could do to be a better partner to you and help you along on your journey to unlearn this behavior is to recognize that when you go to the extreme and SEEM angry, it’s really just fear. When he sees that behavior in you, he can put aside all his own confused emotions in that moment and go to you and hug you and reassure you that he loves you. That would most likely immediately diffuse the situation, you would apologize, etc. 

Healthy love is about being self-less and about doing whatever you can to help your partner through their struggles and fear, NOT about giving into selfish emotion and holding your partner’s limitations against them. 

Writing letters to each other, or texting each other from seperate rooms MIGHT help keep things less emotionally loaded if you two seem to ALWAYS escalate arguments. You choose your words more carefully that way. Body language and tone are taken out of the equation.

Good luck, Bee – I’m confident y’all can get past this and that you can eventually kick this immature behavior. 

Post # 42
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee

We don’t get over old habits immediately, or even fully after a few years. It takes a lifetime of consistent work to get over things we learned in childhood when we were modeling our behavior after the adults in our lives. It also takes a lot of work to fix the internal issues that cause us to act out in order to “get a reaction.”

Read more: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/told-my-fiance-i-wanted-to-break-up-during-a-fight/#ixzz4HFXb2IX4

 

You are so VERY RIGHT! We are hardwired early in life to react/act certain ways almost without thinking about it.  I was raised by a malevolent mother who taught the three of us girls to distrust and act out towards each other and to always think the worst of anyone. And that it as OK to say horrible things.  And I was on that track for years before I found a competent dr and was able to see and {thankfully correct} my crazy behavior–especially saying the most hurtful things to people I love.

Word have consequences, as you have undoubtedly discovered.  I hope you can change your behavorial problem and that your Fiance begins to trust you again.

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