Post # 1
I’m a bit of a long time reader but just began posting recently. I decided that you guys may be able to help me with a bit of an issue I’ve been having. Perhaps someone has experienced something similar?
Back story to give you some understanding of it all: my SO was with his ex for 6 years and lived together for 3 of those in his house. He was under the impression that they’d both finish school/get established and get married. She had no interest in further commitment and he eventually told her to leave. They split in January 2012 but she didn’t end up moving out until he actually had to force her to around Easter.
He and I met in July 2012 and it was apparent immediately that this was right. I moved in with him in February 2013. This was hard given that she had once lived in this same house but I knew I had to get over it and find ways to make it ours which we have managed to do.
While they were still together, she had no interest in his group of friends and didn’t like him spending time with them. Since they split, she has latched onto them as her own. This isn’t totally surprising, they were together a long time, his friends became her friends, etc. While I don’t enjoy her around, I have been cordial and respectful to her but she has not been the same way towards me and this is my struggle.
First thing, rather than approaching my SO to talk while I’m around, she will wait until I’ve left the room to swoop in. I have also caught her shooting glares at me from across the table, which I just ignore. When forced to speak to me, she drills me about things I’d rather not talk to her about. My job in detail, etc. I struggle to keep it friendly…. I’d rather not talk at all. More recently, she made some snide remarks directly to me. At the time I had been drinking (we all had) and I opted to say nothing, I didn’t want to say something I might regret.
For the record, my SO does nothing but tolerate her and be mildly friendly. He doesn’t initiate conversations and actually did something fantastically sweet when she had cornered him in a night club. I was coming back from the washroom and saw her with him, he noticed me coming and mouthed “I love you”. To which I proceeded to walk up and wrap my arms around him. She didn’t appear to enjoy that and walked away.
It’s pretty obvious she has not moved on and aside from removing ourselves from all social situations with my SO’s friends, I struggle to know how to handle this immature child.
Any insight, bees???
Post # 3
Don’t stoop to her level. You’re better than that! Worry about you and your relationship with him because that is all that matters. If it gets to the point where you cannot take it anymore, have a serious conversation with him about it and see where he stands.
Hope this helps! Best of luck 🙂
Post # 4
@ninelives: I think you and your SO just have to continue to present a united front. She can’t wriggle her way in if there is no chinks in the armor, so to speak.
It sounds like he’s already doing an amazing job of not encouraging her so unfortunately there’s not much that you can tactfully do.
If he’s not already aware I’d bring up the snide remarks she said and express that they made you uncomfortable and perhaps reach an agreement together. Maybe that he’ll walk away from her or that you can have some sort of signals that you can use when she is making you uncomfortable etc
Post # 5
@FEDORAble: Exactly – act like it doesn’t get to you and it will stop being fun for her.
Fiance has a couple of immature former people that we’ve had to deal with. The last time we ran into the nastiest of the bunch (she’d poke him and be all fake friendly with me sitting right there ugh) he basically acted like he could give a you know what if she spoke to him, she tried hi fiving him on our way out and he passed her by without blinking an eye. She was at the same place a couple months ago a few chairs down and not once did she bother us.
Post # 6
@ninelives: I congratulate you on handling this as well a you are and think you and your Fiance are doing all the right things.
The only thing I might change is that…you don’t have to accept her rudeness. I mean, if she’s just doing silly stuff like glaring at you from across the room, just ignore her. But if she’s openly hostile when she’s talking to you? Excuse yourself and walk away.
I wouldn’t confront her or engage her on her level, but you also don’t have to be a doormat in the name of group harmony, you know?
Post # 7
Best way to handle people like her is to be sickly sweet. It will drive her absolutely CRAZY that she can’t get under your skin. When you see her, put on your best imitation pagent girl smile, wave at her and say “Oh, HI sweetie! How have you BEEN?” Push the conversation in the direction you want it to go – don’t let her steer it. What she’s doing is absolutely an intimidation tactic. She’s young, she doesn’t know how to make cutting remarks in a way that sounds almost like a compliment. Shove it right back in her face, but in such a sweet, polite way that she can’t do anything.
Post # 8
Wow – thanks for the outpouring of responses.
@FEDORAble: He was there and heard/witnessed her snide remark. He, like myself, chose not to get too reactive about it at the time due to the circumstances. Both of us wonder if her intentions were humour but it came out wrong… I also like your idea about a signal between my SO and I to indicate when I’ve had enough of it.
@Zhabeego: This is the kind of thing I was debating, what to do in future situations. You hit the nail on the head, I have felt like a doormat all in the sake of not rocking the boat. I’m more secure in my place within the social group now too, I don’t feel like I have to walk on eggshells anymore. I think you’re right, I need to make it clear that treating me this way won’t be tolerated but I won’t confront her or directly address the issue with her. I will talk to my SO about this and create a game plan that if she crosses a line again, he and I can both walk away and make it really clear to her that he and I are solid and she can’t continue to treat me this way.
@MariContrary: While I would love this plan, I can’t fake it like that.
Honestly, thanks for all your input. It’s good to know that we seem to be on the right path. I know this will all end eventually when she gets bored and/or moves on!!