(Closed) Tomorrow is my wedding day, but we're not getting married

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

If you were happily planning your wedding and are happy together…I really don’t understand why you didn’t wait until after the wedding to move across the world?  I get that he was depressed and you weren’t necessarily happy in your job, but if you wanted to be together why didn’t you wait until after you got married to move?

Regardless, what I would do in your shoes is have a ceremony just the two of you on the beach like you mentioned and then have a full-on wedding back home.  That may help you have the best of both worlds.

Post # 3
Member
9527 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Best you can dois find a compromise. Thailand on the beach vrs. home traditional wedding is very hard to find a middle ground. Can you do a beach ceremony in the States (assuming you are from here) and have the family fly to that?

It really is not a matter of convincing him, it is finding compromise so you are both happy.

Edit- a good start is to take a romantic walk on the beach and going to the fancy dinner. Then you are honoring the original plan and he can still have closer to what he wants down the road. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  theatrejulia.
Post # 4
Member
2507 posts
Sugar bee

ljm308:  i’m *guessing* the reason was financial – they could cancel the wedding, they would lose some deposits, but otherwise have enough money for the move; but if they waiting until after the wedding, they wouldn’t be able to afford to move across the world. but again, total guess.

Post # 5
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

I think you need to let your Fiance all what you just told us. I think once he sees how important it is for you to become husband and wife he might be on board with the idea. After all, it isn’t as if getting married and having a wedding are the same thing. Maybe you can even get some help from your in-laws to convince him that there won’t be any harsh feelings.

In any case, I’d find it odd that given everything that has happened NOW he doesn’t want to marry you because of a silly excuse -especially because his “excuse” seems to be okay with all of it.

Post # 6
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

ilovesophia:  I can understand that but there were ways to cut it back considerably (cut the guest list down to only parents and immediate family, for one).  If being married was so important, which I can totally understand, there were ways to do that before moving.

Post # 7
Member
697 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

While I get your point of view, I understand his point completely. I’d never get married without my parents there (unless they were deceased) and it’s not something I’d ever compromise on. If you twist his arm and change his mind, he will resent it down the road. 

Post # 8
Member
1724 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

A big part in the delay in us getting married (took us 20 years to make it to that stage!) was H’s fear of being on display as a spectacle – he HATES how even in good fun, the groom is singled out – to him it was never soemthing good natured, and so a wedding with family and friends was not possible for us.  I was fine with a simple Justice of the Peace, and felt if I could find a cute white dress, blusher, and have a boquet and a few photos I’d not feel “cheated” out of a wedding, but he hated the idea, thought it cheesy and wanted a ‘proper’ wedding.  It seemed we were at an imapsse – he didnt want to be in front of people, but he didn’t want to have the most private wedding we could think of, either.

Finally, after learning about all-inclusives and that they do weddings, we decided we could “elope” and have a wedding with just us at a destination resort in the Caribbean, and other than having no guests, we had a walk down the “ailse” (down the beach), a minister, a photogpraher and videographer, a toast, small cake, and the option for a first dance (we declined).  Family overall was fine with this, and we made sure to buy a DVD and get photos so they could take part with us as soon as we were all together.  Much of his family are shut ins and their health is such that unless we are able to get them in and out of cars, they can’t go many places and they aren’t comfortable when they get any where but home – and the siblings don’t usually help, so a wedding in the hometown was kinda out.  And so, since the end of May, after a long wait, we went to Jamaica and came back finally married.

The word “elopment” isn’t really the same as it used to be, and maybe that’s an issue for your FI?  Elopement in the past could sound a bit shady, like the family wasn’t welcome, or there was a nefarious reason for sneaking off to get married.  Today, saving on the time, money, and stress of a family wedding, even a “small” one of only 30 guests seems very popular.  While we were at our resort, several other couples got married, none with guests either, except one group there they had family travel with them.  Others were honeymooning there, and had their families not insisted on hoopla, would have enjoyed a simple, just-them ceremony.  Since I’ve gotten back, some people I know who were putting off a second marriage loved what we did so much THEY want to go do it, too.  Every couiple I know who had the big family wedding TOLD us to go awa and enjoy it being just us – they had so much stress and so many people asking for attention they didn’t even remember much of the wedding or recepton, and even had family issues almost ruin them.  

There are some compromises other couples have done – for legal reasons, I’ve had friends have a courthouse wedding and then weeks or months later, the big, family, church wedding.  I’ve had some get married quickly for deployment reasons, to plan a big renewal ceremony later.  

Also, a legal marriage in one country is pretty much always recognized in other countries, so that should not be an issue, either.

I felt very nice telling H my vows, just he, I, the minister, and a few witnesses provided by the resort.  I know for him, it was the only way it’d have ever happened.  And, here are my pics to share with your Fiance if you think he can see that guests aren’t 100% necesary for a “proper” wedding.

Married in Jamaica! May 28, 2016

 

Post # 9
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I hope you’re both very happy in Thailand! It’s nice that you were able to make a change from your highly demanding job and that your Fiance got his drinking and depression under control/addressed.

I think those are all very important points to have dealt with prior to having a wedding. Now you should both have a serious conversation on what is most important to you and then come to a compromise that works for you both. Be it a simple and private ceremony there with a Justice of the Peace, or a proper wedding back in the States when you return in a year with family and friends.

All the best!

Post # 10
Member
8423 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

fresh: 

 I dunno. I get the feeling that you seem to be the one who has done all the compromising and giving up etc. Now he has got what he wants (I hasten to add  he has done well re the drinking  )  somehow   there are still conditions he needs to  levy. Totally understand wanting parents there  of course -but

He insists he still wants to marry me, but he wants it to be “right”. I’m worried that he’s just tryng to please me because he thinks that I want the traditional wedding.

doesn’t sound to me like  he’s trying to please you at all, as you have categorically stated that’s not what you want/need. It’s him that wants something   ‘right ‘ and ‘proper’ , whatever he means by that . 

He has vetoed a small wedding where  you are ( I think  that’s what  you mean by ‘eloping’?    which it isn’t of course , but that’s just  me being  pedantic !)   so how about a small wedding back home –  if your folks can’t afford to fly out to you, can’t you two fly back to them?   Quick ceremony , then back to Thailand …………

 

Post # 11
Member
2040 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

We didn’t postpone our wedding. But we found the whole year of planning, renovating a home and not being able to live together, and a few other huge milestones to be incredibly stressful. We had our big beautiful wedding and it was lovely. But a few weeks later, on our honeymoon, we had our own private, elopement-style ceremony with photos and a romantic dinner on the beach. It was the most perfect day ever. And I felt so relaxed and beyond happy. We both said afterward that we would have been very, very happy just eloping. We were glad we had our own ceremony though. I wouldn’t change anything about our wedding and honeymoin, but I completely understand eloping now. I think it would be more than okay for you two to elope and then also have a wedding later on when the time is right. 

Post # 12
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I don’t think you can make him change his mind. He doesn’t want a wedding without his family. Have you considered a small, at home wedding In the US on your next visit? if you don’t care how you get married, then don’t worry about it being worth it.

Post # 13
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018 - Taber Ranch Vineyards

lh526:  

Exactly what I was going to say. I could not imagine my parents not being at my wedding. I wouldn’t compromise either, no matter how beautiful Thailand is. My family is more important to me than the perfect venue. I think a good compromise would be eloping at home with only the parents present. Pick a pretty place that everyone can get to. See if that works for the Fiance.

Post # 14
Member
2128 posts
Buzzing bee

First off, well done to you guys for making such a huge change and getting through a rough time! 

Can you not “elope” at home? An intimate ceremony with family at the park (or similar) followed by a dinner (or lunch) at a favourite restaurant? If you only did something small you can still incorporate family, and maybe both sets of parents would be able to chip in to the cost? 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by  garnobella.
Post # 15
Member
1265 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

You mentioned your sets of parents coming to Thailand isn’t really an option, but have you discussed that with them?  It may be expensive but may be something they are willing to spend on to (1) see you guys get married, (2) see your new home/life and (3) use as a general vacation?  Your intimate beach ceremony sounds fabulous and would probably be perfect to both of you if parents could make it. Good luck to you!

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