(Closed) Tonight, I am starting to wonder

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1879 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@lalalyanne:  Why can’t you propose and get a yes or no answer? Why does he have to be the one to do it?

Post # 4
292 posts
Helper bee

Wow. I can tell you’re really upset and this is really getting to you. And it’s ok for you to feel like that! On the off chance, do you have any special dates coming up that he might be planning for? 

If the answer is no, I think you wrote out how you’re feeling very well here and he should absolutely know how you’re feeling. It’s one thing to be anxiously awaiting and another to be put in a situation where you’re questioning his commitment. I think you should show him what you wrote. Because it clearly states how you don’t want to pressure him into anything but also clearly states how bad you’re feeling about the whole situation. 

Best of luck OP!

Post # 6
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

@lalalyanne:  I am so sorry! I don’t think guys understand how hard waiting can be for us… It’s one thing to daydream, it’s quite another to be told that someone wants the same thing you want and that they’ll get the ball rolling… and then they don’t. I know I have ups and downs, hopefully this is just a “down” for you, but if you have been feeling this way for awhile or continue to feel this way for longer than a week or two, I would talk to him about it. Write him a letter if you’re worried that you’ll get emotional or it will come off as “pressuring him”. I know the last time I talked to my SO about this, it turned out he was ok with getting engaged sooner than we’d previously discussed because he’d been under the impression I needed an expensive ring, elaborate proposal, big engagement party, etc… Maybe he’s feeling overwhelmed and scared, too! But I think it would help if you could at least let him know how hard this is for you, and to make sure that you guys are still on the same page. There’s no pressure in wanting to know how he feels and in letting him know how you feel; that’s just important communication. Good luck!

Post # 7
3370 posts
Sugar bee

@lalalyanne: I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. ๐Ÿ™  Really only you can decide to wait or give up. You shouldn’t be miserable. You shouldn’t be expected to sit around miserable and waiting for years. So you’ve had “the talk”, more than once and he knows how you feel. I’m a believer. If a man wants to keep the girl he will do something to keep her. That is actually what I told my Fiance when he was dragging his feet. Once you live together it’s really not such a giant leap to marriage. I kind of feel like, if you don’t want to marry this person then why are you living together like you’re married? Just my opinion, moving on…

I completely understand how you’re feeling, but you deserve to be happy just as much as he does. I believe that actions speak louder than words and a lack of action says something (another thing I said to Fiance when he tried telling me “I’m gonna do *this*” “I’m gonna do *that*” So I said, ok, well we’ll see if I’m still around by the time you ACTUALLY do something.) I also want to stress that everything I told Fiance, I always told him I still loved him and I never pushed him to do anything. I just stated the facts, that I was not going to waste my time following him around like a puppy dog if he was never going to do anything.

It’s not fair to push him into anything. But it’s also not fair for him to expect you to be miserable while he takes his sweet time. You should never lose your life goals, life dreams and morals for anyone. If he truly doesn’t want what you want it might be time to move on (I know how hard that is, but it’s reality) It also might get him to think about what he really wants if he realizes that he will, in fact, lose you.

Post # 8
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

just tell him that the waiting is driving you nuts! I don’t know your personality type nor that of your SO but put it into your own form of talking.

We are a bit casual and jokey so I would ( or I am planning to when the waiting is cutting off my air supply) tell him that the waiting is getting me excited/ anxious/ crazy/ antsy, then I would ask him why I am I still waiting.

You need to get your feelings across to him. I would say to avoid the too serious mode, it might just bring back bad memories of being called to the office in school ๐Ÿ™

Post # 9
207 posts
Helper bee

@lalalyanne:  When I read your post I felt like you were writing about MY life, too! I know exactly how you feel.. I’ve tried to be patient, and then recently I’ve started to freak out – jump off the deep end and be totally irrational. My SO has the ring, too – it’s been in the drawer for a month.

You said: There has been a ring in a drawer for months and at first I thought he needed the right moment, needed time to prepare, was waiting for a specific day or something.. anything. And now, I am starting to wonder if he just doesn’t want to?

Oh-my-gosh… I couldn’t relate more. Lots of perfect opportunities have passed and last night I kinda had a freak out moment. I cried, I told him that I had this gut-wrenching feeling that he didn’t want this (he doesn’t know that I know he has the ring) and that him making me wait was killing me. I even ventured to say it was making me depressed (it sounds pathetic, I know). He was sort of shocked – he looked at me and said “You know that I want to marry you (I chimed in and said “I don’t want to wait forever”) and you know I love you.” He held my hand and told me to cheer up.
I found a way to relate how I was feeling to something that would “click” for him: He has this really, really strong desire to go to South Africa to climb (we travel often for climbing trips). He’s expressed to me multiple times that he’s afraid we won’t go because of work, etc. So last night I said “How would you feel if I told you that I didn’t want to go to South Africa. If I said I didn’t want something that you wanted so badly.. Or if I said I wanted to wait a couple more years to go. How would you feel?” He goes “I would go without you! (laughing/joking)” and I said “Well, you can go without me to South Africa, but what’s my option (referring to marriage)?” He got really quiet. I think it might have finally registered to him how I was feeling. He said that how I was feeling wasn’t “true” (me feeling like he doesn’t want it, isn’t true), that he wants it & that I shouldn’t be so sad.
Sorry for such the long post – I just want you to know that you are certainly not alone!! Sometimes knowing that you’re not the only one is more comforting than searching for answers (at least for me it is).
I’m going to try to lay off the topic again. I’ve made myself crazy, depressed – the whole 9 yards trying to get into his head.
My best friend told me “He has the ring. He’s made the decision to marry you. Let him work out the details, I think it’s kind of sweet he’s taking his time – it just means he knows it’s important and he wants it to be PERFECT.” I need to be better about remembering this good advice.
Good luck & if you want to vent or chat feel free to message me ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 11
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@lalalyanne:  My heart goes out to you. Prior to receiving my engagement ring, I had a lot of these moments. I actually teared up reading your post because I felt the EXACT SAME WAY. I thought I was going to lose everything I’d invested into our relationship– our house, the time, everything…

But, remember the man that you’re in love with. Have Faith in him and Trust in his Love for you. Forever is a REALLY long time, and he’s taking his time to overcome his fears and get up the nerve to ask you to be his Wife. Now that I’ve told you what everyone else said; I have some other advice that worked for me…

Start openly planning your life without him. Not in a mean, vindictive way, but just plan an alternate ending. He likely feels too comfortable and thinks that you’re already his forever. He may need to be shaken up a bit. Decide, in your head, how long you’re willing to wait. And then, start thinking/ planning/ researching what you’ll do if he hasn’t asked by that time. You deserve to be a Mrs, and you just have to remind him that although you love him deeply, it won’t last forever. I started discussing moving out of our big, beautiful, home that we purchased together… Not in a threatening way, just very matter-of-factly. It shook him up and 2 months later, I had Rose (my engagement ring, lol) on my finger.

As I said, I know what you’re going through. I’m here when you need to vent.

Post # 12
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@lalalyanne:  I know you are frustrated while waiting. However, I have a feeling that you are losing yourself over this. Why does he have to be the center of your life? Why do you have to put all hope and love into just one person, that is most likely not much better than you are.


If I were you, I would have a firm conversation like “where are we with this? do you see our future together? What is holding you up?” And if I get a vague answer, I wouldn’t say a thing. I would just walk.


Why do you torture yourself with your thought? It will drive you crazy.


Post # 14
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
@lalalyanne:  I was in the exact same position. We literally grew up together; all the “grown-up” moments, we accomplished together. So I know exactly where you’re coming from.

Trust in your Love… Spend some time with friends and don’t focus on the ring so much. When I stopped focusing, that’s when the ring came. Happy thoughts and peace to you!

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