- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2015
I should start off by saying that I am trying so very very hard to be a patient bee. I’ve read about it, vented about it, decided to forget about it, posted about that too, then actually took a deep breathe and relaxed and forgot about it and I was so blissfully unaware. And now this. Now, I am starting wonder, worry. Freak out a little even. Yeah, freak out is the right sentiment.
You may (or may not? I have no idea how memorable I am!) remember a post from a few months back about a wedding talk. We had rings before that(family), and had a serious conversation late last year, and then had this series of talks several months back that went from him joking about it to him promising that he would propose to me and marry me. We’ve been together more than three years, and we were ‘together’ for a year or two before that. We’ve been living together for 2 1/2 years and I thought we were ready to grow up and move t the next stage. We talk about weddings, babies, family ideals, how all our nieces will make great cousins. We talk and talk and there’s no do. There’s no action.
There has been a ring in a drawer for months and at first I thought he needed the right moment, needed time to prepare, was waiting for a specific day or something.. anything. And now, I am starting to wonder if he just doesn’t want to?
Like they always say, if a man wants to marry a woman, he’ll find a way. He’ll barter for a sny twist tie to propose if he has to.
This man has been given a ring, a talk (or two or more really) a lot of brutal honesty. I have given him my whole life, my whole everything, and I am scared to death that he doesn’t really want it. I’m scared I gave too much too soon. I’m scared we spent all this time making sure we were sure instead of ‘jumping the gun’ at a year or two, and now all this making sure has turned into not being sure anymore.
II so badly want to tell him, I want to talk to him and cry on his shoulder instead of into the couch while he sleeps but I’m afraid he’ll interpret it as a pressure move. I do not, in any way want to pressure him into marrying me. If he doesn’t want to, then I don’t. I don’t want a marriage that isn’t equal and I certainly don’t want him to feel like I guilted him into it with my emotions. I love that man, with my entire heart. I want to spend my always with him but if I’m not the one who’s going to make him happy forever, then I don’t want to. It’s not worth a life of my happiness to take away his.
I’m confused. I just want to crawl into his brain and understand. I have NO clue! I never wanted kids or committment and then I met him and everything was different. Maybe my body kicked in at the same time as I found him, but there was no adjustment period. I wanted to be young and free and then the next day, I wanted to be a functional responsible adult so I could start a family of my own. And ever since that day, I’ve been waiting for him to come and join me. Whenever we talk about it, I feel like he’s there and it gives me hope. But then everything’s still the same. The video games, the beer. I try to tell him, I try. But iif your whole life eveyone you’ve know hs drank most everyday, well it can’t be bad right? (Sigh) He’s good, and he doesn’t drink much (he’s drink often, but at least not excessively) and he really is one of the nice drunks. And I can’t judge. I can be found hauling back a glass of wine or two almost as often these days. It’s not disfunctional I don’t think, and it’s not damaging us financially or anything but it’s the pits. This is not where I come from and its not what I always thought I believed him.
I’m scared, that I’m losing my life and my goals and my dreams and my morals for a man who isn’t even that sure that he wants to be with me forever. I’m scared because I don’t know the answer, I don’t know how to go about all of this. I don’t know where I am but there are moments where I’m scared to look at him because I just know I’ll start crying and tthen I’ll have to explain and I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know anymore. I don’t know how a person s supposed to tell the person they love most in the world that they are so confused about their relationship that they just want to hide under a rock and cry sometimes.
I feel like he’s my one, my person. He’s my best friend and I need him and I’m scared we won’t make it through this.