Post # 1
I realized tonight just how ridiculous I am being about the whole marriage thing. for the last 4 months I’ve been subtly and not so subtly bringing up marriage to J every chance I got. Acting all depressed when a friend go engaged, constantly ooohing and aaaahing at wedding and proposals in movies….I must have been so annoying.
Tonight was a real eye opening. J explained to me that he’s been feeling attacked and pressured into marriage. He actually said “Maybe I’m not the right guy for you. Maybe if marriage is this important to you, you need to be with someone else, because I’m just not ready right this second.” He wasn’t saying it in a mean way…More that he wanted me to be happy.
So I really realized how annoying it must be. I mean, I hated it when my ex would constantly bring up videogames! So much so that I left him. This is just like that.
I’ve been reading that Why Men Marry Bitches book. It’s made me realize a lot of things that I’ve done in our relationship that would actually hinder an engagement. So no more. I’m not going to worry about it anymore. I’m just going with the flow! It’ll happen when it happens. J has assured me that it will be no longer than 3 years until were MARRIED. I think about how quickly the last 3 years of my life have gone by….and I wasnt even happy back then! I was miserable. So this ain’t nothin!
Post # 3
Honestly, it’s the best policy. I was constantly “pushing” weddings and marriage into my now fiances face after the our first year of dating. I was always watching wedding shows, I got depressed when a friend got engaged or married and even had started buying wedding magazines! Finally, for some reason, I just gave up. I didn’t watch the shows when he was home, I ignored my feelings about my friends marriages and I stopped buying magazines. Six months later….I got engaged!! He actually told me that he refused to propose during that time because if I was expecting it, then where would the surprise be?
Now, your boyfriend has a different atitude towards marriage at this point but I think that if you forget it like you said, it just might help your relationship in the long run. Good luck! 🙂
Post # 4
I agree. I think in his eyes, proposing when the whole marriage thing is not in his face makes it more special. When he is ready, I am sure he wants to be the one planning it out, and not have it being expected. I commend you on coming to this realization by yourself though! It shows how important your relationship is to you, and not that it is just about a wedding.
Post # 5
@Young.love: I haven’t posted on WB for a while for this exact reason, so I just wanted to say thank you because you reinforced the feeling for me that I’m not the only one going through this.
It is hard knowing that your SO isn’t ready at the same time you are, and that being enthusiastic about marrying him is actually not getting you anywhere fast, but it will happen when it’s meant to!
Good luck keeping on the right track 🙂 And remember that he played a part in helping you become happier than you were three years ago!
Post # 6
Good for you!! Realizing this shows a lot of maturity and self awareness–something that some people never achieve. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good man by your side. Enjoy the ride!
Post # 7
I think of it like this, when you stop trying it will happen. This goes for engagements, as well as TTC. For whatever reason that’s just how it goes!
Post # 8
it IS hard – but one thing i’ve learned from previous relationships – when you “push” you only push away. and that’s obviously the LAST thing you want. it WILL happen. you know he loves you. be happy that he’s with you and loves you and one day you WILL be married. there’s no rush if you know you will be with him forever. 🙂
good luck!!! 😀
Post # 9
@Young.love: You have done so well analysing why you feel like this. I find that things come in cycles… You get into a mental rut for a while and all you can focus on is that (especially if you know it isn’t going to materialise right away). It is compulsive thinking and we all do it.
Your SO has taken you aside and told you that you will be married in the next three years which to me indicates that he has a plan. This is positive and he sounds like a genuine, honest man.
The thing is that you need to arrive at a compromise – something that suits you both, you know. I don’t know you both so I can’t comment on why he has a strict timeline in mind.
Why men marry bitches? Hm, I don’t know about that one!! Thinking you need a personality adjustment isn’t healthy (I’ve read these books too and many ladies have. Personally speaking, it was only when I STOPPED clutching at straws and trying to ‘change’ myself, that we truly bonded). He loves you for you. Just be yourself.
You sound like a great person and so does he so hang in there. Just try to give your head some peace x
Post # 10
I am going to play devil’s advocate here…
Age also plays a HUGE role in wanting to be married. If you are in your early 20s, it’s understandable that you have time to wait. But if you are in your early 30s, you really don’t want to wait! Let’s face it, your biological clock is ticking. If you are one of those people who does not want to start a family before you are married, it will obviously always be on your mind that you NEED to do step 1) i.e. get married, to get to your step where you are running out of time 2) having kids.
Also, when you see others around you getting engaged/married who have been together a LOT LESS than you have, it does rub you the wrong way and you just end up feeling like a failure… “did I do something wrong? is he not the committing type? am i not good enough?” It is true you cannot judge your relationship based on when others’ get married, but it happens to the best of us. Human nature!
I think that if you hadn’t done those initial pressures than he might have just thought “okay she seems fairly easy going and hasn’t ever at all bugged me for marriage so I can take my sweet time. Maybe SHE isn’t ready.”
But obviously continously bugging will have adverse effects. Just nudging along periodically should not be looked down upon. Everyone needs a little nudge sometimes, especially men.
Post # 11
Good for you! Just enjoy your time and be the girl he knew when he first met you. Go out with the girls, have fun. Eventually he’ll come around. I got all that info from “Why Men Marry Bitches”. It’s an amazing book, and it actually works. I HIGHLY recommend reading it to anyone who hasn’t.
For example: I’ve been trying to do my own thing for the past month or so… Going out with the girls, not mentioning marriage or kids, and being more independent. Next thing you know… He’s crawling all over me. Like last night… J usually gets home from work at 6pm. Well it was 6:30pm, dinner was ready, and he still was not home. Sure I worried, and the ‘old me’ would have texted him and said: “Are you ok? Where are you?”. But I didn’t. I played it cool. He finally came home and I STILL remained cool. I didn’t ask where he was, or anything. He was all over me. Kissing me, hugging me, etc. as if he hadn’t seen me in AGES. My g/f and I had plans to go out later that night. As I’m putting on my shoes and coat, he’s asking what we’re going to be doing, who’s all going, etc. Even as I’m leaving he’s peeking his head through the crack of the door saying: “When do you think you’ll be home? 10pm or later? I might be in bed. Will you be late?” It was really cute.
Post # 12
@Young.love: After I read that book, I apologized to Boyfriend or Best Friend. He said “What for?” Isaid “For doing EVERYTHING wrong in this relationship!” then he says “You didn’t do everything wrong.” and I said “Yes, but I have been in a constant rush and very pushy about our future. Thank you for loving me anyway.” He was very appreciative. 🙂 You are a strong girl! It’s nice to look forward to those things, but we also sometimes forget to enjoy the ride.
Post # 13
@Young.love: Can I just tell you how proud I am of not only you, but your SO as well for feeling comfortable enough with you that he can come to you and tell you that he feels pressured? I’m glad that he felt confident enough in your relationship to come to you and tell you that…and it also speaks volumes for your attitude that you could accept the constructive criticizm and make an effort to stop driving him crazy.
It’s awesome to see a couple who can communicate with each other and understand each other, and make an effort to improve their relationship. So kudos to the both of you!
Post # 14
Thank you SO much everyone. I love the support I get here. I feel like this has actually made our relationship stronger.
Post # 15
I’m gonna have to agree with Sasha here.
Post # 16
((((young.love))) Just wanted to give you a hug! I’m glad he was able to tell you how he feels, caring so much about your happiness. I am sure he’ll be there soon, maybe in 3yrs by the time y’all get married, there’ll be another surprise!
Years go by SO fast, get ready girlie!