Post # 1
Member
19 posts
Newbee
So bear with me here ladies, I am a really bad writer sometimes!
When I told my Dad that I was getting married, first of all it seemed like someone had already told him. He asked me if there was a reason why I asked him to go to lunch, and when I told him that we had gotten engaged his only response was "I will not approve or PAY for this wedding until you two go to pre-maritial counseling."
Alright, well thanks for that lovely response. (in the parking lot I also got, "Well I guess its nice that someone loves you enough to marry you.") Went home and talked to the Fiance and he was angry. He absolutley refused to go. (Granted he will most likely have to go at some point) Jumping through other people’s hoops has never been his thing, but it was like he could see there was something else going on. Jump ahead to a few days later when I ask my dad if he could give me a rough estimate of how much that he could help out with the wedding. I guess I just assumed that he would help pay for the wedding of his only daughter, with me having to go to pre-maritial counseling and all that junk… Anyway he looks me in the eye and tells me that he cant pay for any part of the wedding. Why am I trying to jump through hoops for him if he cant even help? Not only that but he is renting two seperate houses for a total of 3,500 per month, so when he comes back at me with money issues its hard to feel sorry.
I know that I am being a little selfish on the money issue, but it just took me back. I am self relient (for myself and my son) in every other way (with the exception of car insurance) I even pay for my own college and so I was taken aback by this non-willingness to help. But truthfully at this point it isnt even about the money. My mom and my oldest brother are supportive, even taking the time to call my Fiance and tell him that they are happy for us. Dad and Middle Brother is a whole ‘nother story. Dad hasnt talked to me (or told anyone about my engagement) or replied to emails since I told him (a month ago) and M.B. keeps telling me that I am making a mistake and only going to get divorced. I am just hurt. Its supposed to be a happy time, but now all I can think about is how am I going to pay for this, is my dad going to be there or even talk to me?
Post # 3
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee
So sorry. Are your parents divorced? I’m thinking maybe he’s nervous for you, rather than simply being angry. I can only guess the ultimatum about going to pre-marital counseling was a way to contorl you, or show his lack of support. But when you agreed to go, he had to find something else to show you he disapproves, and try to control your decision. (Not giving you any money).
Maybe you can have a more in dpeth talk with him about what’s bugging him. Maybe he can meet with your fi to help break down those walls, that you’re marrying a good guy.
Post # 4
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
Have you been able to talk to him about why he’s unsupportive of the marriage? It sounds like he feels pretty strongly that you’re making a poor decision, and I think you owe it to him and to yourself to discuss it calmly. His request that you attend premarital counseling was likely his wish to have you think very long and hard about building a durable and successful marriage with your fiance. Instead of viewing it as a punishment or "jumping through hoops," why not view counseling as a wonderful opportunity to become closer to your fiance and get your marriage off on the right foot?
Post # 5
Member
19 posts
Newbee
Its the way it was presented. I HAVE to go to Pre-Maritial counseling or else I dont approve
I know that pre-maritial counseling is most often required these days, but he is making it a requirement of his approval, which to me is not fair. Fiance doesnt want to do it just to make my dad happy, or to have his approval.
He knows my Fiance pretty well. We’ve been together for almost 4 years now. (Back story, Fiance and I started dating and a year later we were having a baby, my dad pretty much doesnt like him)
Right now, I am trying to give him his space, but like I’ve said he isnt talking to me. I’ve tried to email him to at least explain my reason for being upset, but he wont respond, rather he goes through his wicked witch wife to yell at me instead.
My dad and I have never really been close when I was younger. In fact in High School I absolutley hated my dad and told everyone that my dad would not be at my wedding and that I didnt want him there at all. Having my Son initially pushed us apart, but by me proving to him I was a good mother, I finally had approval for that, and we were really close. Now it feels like maybe my high school wish is going to come true.
Post # 6
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
He is probably just nervous and looking out for you. Although us brides-to-be know our relationships and level of readiness, sometimes our decisions are not so clear to others, especially adults. My advice would be try the pre-marital counseling, but look at it as an investment in your marriage, not as a requirement from dad. Although I personally am not attending pre-marital counseling, I have heard it is a wonderful experience.
As far as money goes, your situation is tough, especially with the added expense of a child. The only advice I have is to make budgeting a hobby…make it fun! Spend time seeking out all options.
Good luck! I wish you the best.
Post # 7
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
MrsE-
This sounds like a really difficult situation and I really hope it starts to feel better for you soon!
It sounds like your dad is likely having a lot of feelings about you, your relationship, marriage in general, and isn’t knowing how to deal- evidenced by him demanding you do therapy in order for him to help pay and then saying he can’t help pay anyway. I always figure when people do weird flip flops like that it is because they are just having so many layers of feelings they don’t know how to deal or what to think.
Instead of talking to Dad about logistics right now, just ask him about his perspective on this to get a feeling of where he’s coming from. This may help pave the way that you’ll go to plan for the wedding. Don’t allow him to pay for part of it if it comes along with lots of demands and weirdness- it just isn’t worth it. Look at budegting, like heathaah recommended and make this wedding your own. Have pride in your life, relationship and plans for your future and it WILL come together. Start to take notes on the basics- how many people do you want at your wedding, how much time do you want to wait before the wedding, where do you want to marry, etc and then start researching how to budget for it. It need not be a super expensive affair if you make smart decisions and you are okay with having a simple set-up.
Good luck!
Post # 8
Member
3162 posts
Sugar bee
Aww I’m so sorry your dad and brother aren’t being supportive (((HUGS))) but PLEASE don’t let it ruin this special time for you! You should allow yourself and your Fiance to be happy now and be excited about the planning process. While I understand that you may have expected a bit of financial assistance as his only daughter, I think it might be better for you to just say to yourself "If he’s not going to support me in my marriage, I don’t WANT his help." If you get yourself in the mindset that it is YOUR wedding and you know you and your Fiance are making the right decision, then f**k it and anyone who doesn’t support you in that. I know he’s your dad and it’s hard, but be true to yourself and your love for your Fiance and don’t let anyone suck the joy out of your engagement and your marriage. It’s about the two of you, not about your father’s hangups, and if he can’t or won’t support you, you don’t need him or his negativity. Just be excited about your future and your life together and don’t let it get you down. Again, it is HARD to do this when you’re getting negativity from others, but at the end of the day, you and your Fiance are happy and really that’s all that matters.