Post # 1
So I’m 8 months out of my relationship with my ex, who I thought was the one. (Posted about the issues of that rship and the therapy I recieved) now using bumble for dates. (I’m 29)
My concern is that I meet lovely guys but there’s just no attraction. The latest guy I met is lovely, we have a lot in common and is handsome. My friend told me he was a little short and unfortunately when I met him, I wasn’t attracted to him. He made a point of asking as soon as he arrived ‘Am I shorter than you expected?’ and I didn’t know what to say because whilst he was, I’d hate to think that I was not attracted because of that.
Anyway – with your SO/The One etc did you feel attraction immediately or did it grow whilst you dated?
My therapist and I noticed that with past relationships I’ve always been attracted immediately and felt a chemistry but this was more than likely a warning sign.
I’m just interested. I feel ready to meet someone for long term but am I writing men off too soon? Am I being too fussy?
Post # 2
i was a serial dater. i went on a lot of first dates and always found something wrong with the person. my mom told me to give someone more of a chance, go on 2 dates, then decide.
well my husband was that next date. i wasnt attracted to him initially. but when he asked me on a 2nd date, i decided to follow my mom’s advice. i still wasn’t attracted to him but it was seriously the best date ever. he always planned the best dates and i had a lot of fun. a few months later, everyone could tell i liked him but me. then he went out of town. he had called me when i was out with my mom. she said she never saw me so happy when i was talking on the phone. it took me about 6 months of dating to realize i loved him. and i guess the rest is history. we’ve been married 5 years, 2 kids, and another on the way.
Post # 3
When my husband and I initially started dating, there was never this “sparks flying, fireworks” moment. I found him attractive, but I was more drawn to how at ease I felt around him. We have the same sense of humor, and I really felt I could be myself around him. To me, our personalities meshing was the most attractive thing. He is a cute fella though too, so that didn’t hurt.
Post # 4
After my ex and I separated, I dated a lot – mostly only first dates because I wasn’t interested in a second date with most of the guys. There were a few guys I continued seeing, but I didn’t commit to any of them bc they weren’t the “whole package” for me. Some of my friends accused me of being too picky, but I wasn’t willing to settle for less than a guy I was both mentally and physically attracted to. If a guy didn’t pique my interest on the first date, I saw no reason to go out on a second one.
After three years, I met Darling Husband. I wasn’t super instantaneously attracted to him on the first date, but I was attracted enough and intrigued enough that I knew within 5 minutes of talking that I wanted a second date. Second date turned into a third. Then fourth. And then I stopped seeing other guys, because I knew he was the whole package for me.
I’m so glad I didn’t give other guys leeway when I didn’t feel like I wanted a second date with any of them. Even my friends now agree – my being picky paid off bc I ended up meeting the perfect guy for me.
Post # 5
When my SIL met her fiance she had absolutly no interest in him. I was actually so surprised when she told us they were dating and realized it was the guy she had been telling me months ago how little inetrest she had in him. But eventually she came around to giving him a chance and they are so good together! We all absolutly love him (and obviously she does too) and think they are a really great couple.
Some couples meet and there’s an instant spark and connection (I did feel that way with my own husband) but other couples meet and it takes a little while to get that spark/connection. I wouldn’t write someone off after only 1 date or a lack of instant attraction. If they didn’t do anything to completly turn you off and you enjoyed their company, go on a second date.
Post # 6
I was immediately attracted to my husband. He is “my type,” but when we had broken up in college for about 7 months, I dated a bit and met some cute guys, but no one I was that physically attracted to. I only dated about 5 guys, though, and it was all pretty brief cuz there just wasn’t anything there.
I actually think people can always afford to be pickier. But it gets complicated if there are things that are psychologically holding you back, or vice versa, if you’re just jumping in head first.
My friend was never picky enough, perhaps even now, but she would also kind of settle and get deeply involved, get intimate, and then realize the guy is totally not it. It could be a good thing that you’re learning to be more cautious, look at other aspects of a person for the “sign” of a promising relationship.
Also, ugh. Any short guy who immediately asks about his shortness is super unsexy.
Post # 7
I’m more attracted to people based on personality, intelligence, etc. than looks, so I was very rarely that attracted to someone after just one meeting. I thought my husband was objectively pretty cute on our first date, but I wouldn’t say I was *attracted to him* until I got to know him a little better.
I always went on at least 2 dates before making up my mind about anyone. So no, I wouldn’t write someone off just because you don’t feel a spark after one date — most people are nervous and not fully themselves on first dates anyway.
Post # 8
ajillity81 : me too! every one knew i was falling for him (we were friends for years) waaaay before i did. i felt like an idiot when i finally figured it out. they were all “yeah, where ya been?’ haha
Post # 9
Like ajillity81 :I also did a 2 date rule. While I wasn’t overly attracted to my now fiancé after the first date, the second date sealed it. We just had so much fun together I just wanted to keep seeing him! And the 3rd date was my favorite and pretty much after that I stopped seeing all the other guys on Bumble, and just kept seeing him. If you’re worried that you’re being too fussy, then go on a second date and see how you feel. If you have a great time, keep seeing them casually and see if anything develops!
Post # 10
- Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI
I met my SO online and we met for drinks at a local bar by my house. He drove down to me which won him major points as he lived about 50 miles away, but worked about 30 min away.
Anyway as knew he wasn’t my typical type of dark haired smaller build and average height. He’s 6’2 blonde, bigger build. My first thought was “well he’s really not my type, but a date is a date”. We spent 4 hours over a few drinks. He was so funny, smart about all kinds of random topics flirty but not overtly sexual (like a lot of my dates). It was the best date I’d had in years, maybe ever. I kissed him in the parking lot! He asked be out again right away and later that week he took me to dinner and kissed me across the table. He’s not the most outgoing guy, but he always made it clear he was interested.
First dates don’t have to be perfect, but I really believe in that initial connection. If it’s not there, no need to go out again.
Post # 11
I usually only like the guys I’m attracted to immediately. I can’t fake it and when I’m not attracted I feel nothing.
I think attraction can grow when someone has an amazing personality but if there’s nothing there to start there never will be.
My fiancé and I have been together almost 4 years and I was attracted immediately.
Post # 12
TeachingBee2628 : I met my husband at work so we knew each other several months before going on a date or having any type of “spark”. I wouldn’t say I was immediately super attracted to him, but I also wasn’t turned off by him at all. Once we started talking/emailing back and forth I became pretty much obsessed with everything about him (not as creepy as it sounds lol) and when we had our first real date where we were able to sit down and get to know eachother outside of work I knew he was the one.
Not every first date will be magical, but if you left it feeling pretty meh about it I probably wouldn’t go on a second one.
Also, why did he have to make the short comment? How awkward.
Post # 13
After my divorce, I went on a ton of dates. MOST were first (and last dates) because there was absolutely no chemistry and I wasn’t going to waste my time. When there was enough chemistry (maybe not 100% attracted to them, but great conversation and getting along well with similar interests, etc.), I would go on a second date to see if the chemistry improved.
Even with fiance, I wasn’t fully invested until after the 3rd date.
You might be too picky, but you also might just being going out with guys who you aren’t that into. Or maybe you aren’t fully ready to date.
Post # 14
It always took me a few dates to be really attracted to guys I dated or feel invested. It takes a bit of time to get to know someone and first dates are often uncomfortable and short, so you really don’t get to know the real them – just the performative them.
I think that’s the tricky thing about online dating..there’s less inclination to give it a shot because you don’t have anything linking you together. When you meet people through friends you have an established connection, or if you meet in coincidental circumstances it feels rare and special. Whereas online dating feels like a numbers game so it’s easier to just move on to the next.
The most charming people – ie people that are most likely to win you over on first dates – are not always the best people. ‘Charming’ is one of the most common qualities in sociopaths, abusers and manipulaters. That’s not to say all charming people are bad, but The IMPORTANT good qualities take a bit more time to show.
Post # 15
First dates are weird and plenty of nice and normal people don’t excel at them. I agree above that while sometimes someone being able to provide a spark for the first date is a good sign, a lot of times you’re just measuring charm, and you should think thoughtfully about how important it be that your partner is charming.
I generally go by the give the guy a 2nd date unless he dealbreaks rule. Dealbreaks for me were if the guy said anything that offended me (I’m not easily offended, so it was impressive when some managed to do this in one date!) or sort of gave me serial killer vibes.