- 11 years ago
Please help… I am so sad and confused. I met my boyfriend two years ago when he was 27 and I was 32. It started off slowly (we lived 3 hours apart), but we got to know each other and started dating. After about 6 months, he still hadn’t told me he loved me, and I began to worry. I was his first serious relationship, so I knew he was scared. I waited for 2 more months, and I finally wrote it down on a piece of paper that I loved him, and then he said it to me. This was also the time I wrote him a letter and “laid all the cards on the table”. I told him I wanted a relationship that would lead to marriage, what I wanted in a relationship, what I visualized. We talked, and he told me he was on the same page, that he wanted the same things, and we both thought 2 years was a good amount of time to date before getting engaged. A few months later, I brought up me moving to the same city as him, and he balked. The first words out of his mouth were “What if we break up?”, and and we got into an argument. A few months later, he came around and said he felt better about it, so I moved to the same city as him (this was in January 2009… we had been dating a little over a year at this point). I told him again I was looking towards marriage, and he told me he would start seriously thinking about it. He told me he needs a long time to think about things, so I said ok.
At first, living in the same city was great. But slowly, he began to take me for granted. He didn’t put forth any effort to make plans with me, everything was last-minute. He tells me we shouldn’t have to plan to see each other, we should be comfortable enough to know it will happen. Meanwhile, he has met my family (who live very far away). In July I brought up marriage again, and he told me he wasn’t sure. He told me he hadn’t been thinking about it. I broke the relationship off with him because I felt he was taking me for granted, not taking the marriage issue seriously, and being very complacent. A week later he came to my house with letters and said he had really thought about it, and he was now sure he wanted to marry me (I have at least 3 letters saying this). I was wary, and I told him to take more time, but he was adamant about it, so I said ok. We talked about a timeline to get engaged (in the next 3 months or so… we would be dating 2 years). We went ring shopping in August, and he told me he ordered a ring.
Then in September, he told me he’s been having this overwhelming anxious feeling about getting engaged, and he can’t control it. He says we argue too much, have too many issues, and that I am too emotional. He told me he is confused, and I broke it off again. He then e-mailed and wants me to go to couples counseling with him. He has wanted to go to counseling for a while, and I agreed, but he never did anything about it.
I feel like he does not put forth much effort in the relationship. I feel like I do everything… think of things to do together, initiate discussions, etc. His personality is extremely easygoing and laid back. At first I liked it, but now it seems like he doesn’t care about anything. He won’t initiate or do anything. I used to trust everything he said, but now I am wary. He says he loves me and I am the most important thing to him, but he doesn’t act that way. When I tell him that, he says I need to believe his words… he says I need to trust him. But how can I when his actions say something different? I feel like he has never put 100% into our relationship. I told him that, and he agreed with me. He has never taken a risk. I feel like I have taken risks and shown him I am giving all I have to him and our relationship. I love him, and I really wanted the relationship to work out. But now, I feel sad and confused. I really tried my best, why is it not working out? We don’t live together, and we both feel strongly that’s not a good option for us.
I know I can move on, but I really do love him. Should I go to couples counseling with him and try to work it out? I fee like he is using the counseling to keep me in a dating relationship… I don’t want to keep just dating with no sign of commitment from him, and even if he proposed now, I would be skeptical. He did not want to breakup, but he just wants to keep dating. I feel like he doesn’t think about what I want. I just want some sign from him that he is committed to me…. I need actions from him, not just words. Does he simply not love me enough?