(Closed) Too many guests going to wedding. Should I change my RSVP to no?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

This is a tough one. I would ask him how his wedding planning is coming. If he brings up that he is stressed about the RSVPs, tell him you completely understand and you are freaking out at the idea of too many people saying yes for your day. He might mention the problem he is having. If he mentions it (and only if he mentions it) then you can say, “J, I was totally honored to be invited and I would love to see you and M tie the knot. I also know how stressful being oversubscribed is and I would be happy to sit this one out. X, Y, and I will have a girls night if would be easier on you two”.

Post # 4
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

This is weird to me.  I don’t get why people invite more people than they want to pay for or can fit in the venue.  I think if you were invited you should not have to change your RSVP to no because they’re freaking out that too many people are saying yes.  

When I talked to my venue we had 90 people on the guestlist and my bill was set up for 70 because they said usually 20 people don’t come.  We were fine with paying for 90 and we’re also fine with paying for the 113 the list has grown to.  And everyone will fit in the venue.  If what my venue said is true we’ll end up with like 93 people or so.  So just under 100.  We realize that adds to the bill and we’re fine with it.

What’s stressing you out about your guest count?  Are you having the same problem or are you just stressed about people not RSVPing or whatever?  

Post # 5
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Pollywog:  I agree — that’s the way to go about it.  It just frankly bothers me that he’s making guests worry about this stuff when he shouldn’t have overbooked =/

Post # 7
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

He probably won’t tell you straight up that he would be relieved if you didn’t attend. No  If you already know that he’s stressed about it I would just pull him aside and just said ‘hey, I am planning a wedding too and I wanted to let you know that I would totally understand if you want us to give up our seat for your family and friends.  In fact, we’ll take you and the missus out to happy hour to celebrate in a couple of weeks, okay?’ and just see how be reacts.  Shoot, maybe he’s more concerned with awkward family attending and actually wants you guys there.  But I would open the dialogue up and don’t feel bad about it. 

 

Post # 9
Member
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

why do people overbook their venues?  this would avoid problems like this.

Post # 10
Member
674 posts
Busy bee

@WillyNilly: Oh, this is a good suggestion. Offering to celebrate with them at a later date is a really nice way to turn something stressful and an awkward conversation into something more pleasant and something they can actually look forward to instead of worry about!

Post # 11
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Sheesh I’m glad I’m not in a situation where space at the reception hall is limited.  Then again, I don’t think I would have booked a place if our guest list was that close to their max capacity.  

I also don’t understand inviting someone and then hoping they won’t make it.  Are they just hoping people won’t come but will still send a gift?  Other than family that you don’t particularly get along with but feel obligated to invite I don’t really understand why you’d invite them if you don’t want them to come!  I do understand the budget being less for less people… but your wedding is a reason to party!  I wan’t people to come and have fun and celebrate in our honor to justify all the hard planning I’ve been doing for the past year!!

Post # 12
Member
2616 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

to please parents is to invite their guestlist even if you havent met them… ei- bout 30 people on my side of the guestlist is moms friends/old business associates and random strangers from the past… his mom side there is about 20 of those distant relatives he has never met…..

Post # 13
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@mypinkshoes:  I’d like to know that too.  Are they trying to maximize attendance?  

Post # 14
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee

@SaraP2012:  I can imagine several reasons — from reading the plaints of brides on this board and others — why a couple might overbook their venue, but that doesn’t affect your problem one way or the other. @emp04‘s kind-and-overt strategy is indeed one option. It may well work: your generation is more accustomed to plain speaking than mine was. My own experience with plain speaking is that it works better in theory than in practice.

If you prefer a different option, I’d recommend discovering some urgent compassionate obligation — a dying auntie whose last birthday party is coincidentally the same night as his wedding, or a single-mother sister who absolutely MUST attend a corporate training weekend that weekend and needs trusted childcare. It has to be something of a sacrifie, to justify your withdrawing from an accepted social obligation. You would be rude to cancel if your exuse were something selfish or trivial, but single moms and dying aunties are noble causes.

You apologize profusely, of course; and your colleague never finds out that you withdrew out of compassion for him. And then just make sure that, if you do make a girls’ night out of it, that you do it in a different corner of town from where the reception is being held!

Post # 15
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with willnilly; it’s not your problem but it’s terribly kind of you to be so considerate. It’s not necessary but I would give up my seat to help them out..

Post # 16
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@aspasia475:  Aspasia!  I love your posts.  I have been secretly lurking about wondering when you were going to pop up again. 🙂

 

All, carry on…and sorry for the interruption.  lol

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