(Closed) Too much confusion!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I’m sorry hon! I do think he has a point, if you’ve been upset/bringing up wedding stuff in a way that he feels is “twisting his arm”, than maybe he feels like it’s impossible for him to propose without feeling totally emasculated.

You’re right to broach the subject calmly, not exploding.  Really, if you’re reaching the point of maybe “exploding” or nagging, a REAL sit-down, calm discussion is overdue.

Do you really feel like you can wait until your 30th birthday to asses? That seems like a long time to me….

If he refuses to answer your questions but wants you to put the ring bookmark back on, that is confusing. Can you just let him know how you are feeling without blowing up? Maybe something like “I’m confused, I want us to be on the same page and I was thinking for awhile that maybe we weren’t. Then you said to put the bookmark for the ring back up.  I don’t want to read something into this if I shouldn’t, I really want to know your thoughts and it would mean a lot to me if you were willing to share with me”  then be quiet and see what he says.

 

Post # 4
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

And do you really think you can be OK with not getting married? I’d be worried he’s stringing you along, especially if you went ring shopping 3 YEARS AGO! That would drive me NUTS!

Post # 5
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Wow! I feel like for the most part, I could have written this. My SO and I have been together, and living together the same time as you and your SO, so I can definitely sympathize! All I can say is I feel your pain, and it’s not a fun place to be. I also made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t dwell on the fact that he hasn’t proposed and that I would invest in myself. Well…it’s not as easy as it sounds. I’ve started taking photography clasess and I’m trying to go out with my girlfriends more, but at the same time I am helping my cousin plan a wedding. Being surrounded by wedding stuff when you’re trying to NOT think about anything wedding is torture! I also understand the feeling of the “permanant live-in girlfriend”.

My advice to you is to try really hard to focus on yourself! Give him the opportunity to see what it would be like if he didn’t have you in his life anymore. I’m not saying move out, or do anything drastic right now, but shake him up a little. I know with my guy, he has become very comfortable and part of that is my fault. As girls in love we sometimes want to make things very cozy and we give them an inch, they take a mile. So, it’s time you take back that mile for yourself. He’ll start to wonder what’s going on with you and probably become very lovey-dovey. It’ll be hard, but don’t give in right away. Keep your head up, and your focus on bettering yourself! He obviously fell in love with you for a reason-your intelligence, humor, independance,-so let him see all those things again!

I’m going to take my own advice as well, but I wish you the best of luck!!

Post # 8
Member
46 posts
Newbee

artichokeyGo to my profile and read my post from last week about giving him the easy way out. You sound so similar to me! K and I have always been able to jokingly talk about it too, but when it seems to become too “real” he freezes up. The other night in conversation with friends of ours I said how I want the proposal to be a surprise and K said “How can I surprise you if you’re always on my case about it?” That really made me take a step back and realize that I need to lay off. It’s really hard, and waiting is not fun at all, but my cousin put it into perspective for me.  She told me that by obsessing over the proposal, I’m missing out on our relationship. We have a great relationship and I don’t want to miss one second of it.  Just some food for thought!

Post # 9
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

“It makes me feel greedy even thinking that I might leave because I don’t have what I want.”

If you two are committed for life, shouldn’t it be important to him that you have what you want?

I know guys are not always as enthusiastic (lol!) About the marriage topic, but if it’s important to you he ought to at least make an effort to discuss it in a serious, non-joking way…right?

Maybe I’m “off” here, but you know what they (wiser Bees than myself) say: if you can’t talk about this, the communication isn’t up to the level you’ll need for a marriage.

Post # 11
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Okay, this might be a little on the harsh side, but I’m going for it:

You need to tell him what you need and be firm; stop whining and begging with no intentions whatsoever of imposing any consequences for his failure to commit.

You asked “what can I do” because the two of you have committed yourselves for life.  No. No, you haven’t.  That’s the whole problem, right?  You are not married. You are not engaged.  You are not committed for life.  If you live with him and are announcing how you will never ever leave each other for the rest of your lives, why in gods green earth would he propose to you one millisecond before he is good and ready?  He has no reason to. 

And saying you won’t even begin to re-assess your relationship for another 3 years?  If you’re going to be that wishy-washy, don’t try to impose any timelines at all.  Who are you kidding?  You know you’re not going anywhere, and that’s fine.  You just need to admit that to yourself.

He doesn’t need constant questioning.  He doesn’t need whining.  He needs to be told your realistic expectations and be left to think about them.  For example:

“I love you with all of my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with you.  However, marriage is something that I, as a person, very much want in my life.  I’m hoping you will be able to give that to me by the time I’m thirty.  If you don’t think you’re going to be able to, at the very least, let me know if that is a realistic expectation for me to have, I need to re-assess this relationship.  I’d like you to think about this for a few months, during which there will be no wedding talk.  We can discuss it again in 6 months.  At that point, I’m going to need an answer or I’m going to have to start taking the steps I feel are necessary to take care of me.” And then drop it. This is not an ultimatum.  This is you very clearly telling him what you need to be happy.  You’re not demanding a ring in 6 months, you’re demanding answers which is a perfectly reasonable request.

YOU are in control of your life.  YOU are in control of your happiness.  You seem to be taking a very passive role in those things, which doesn’t garner you much respect from others.  Make him respect you.  Only then will he realize what he might be missing if he doesn’t man up.

Post # 12
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I read something that I think is true about marriage: men wait until it’s the “right time,” women wait until it’s the “right person.”

He probably just feels like it’s pointless due to college and the fact that you live together. Tell him why it is so important to you. Explain what it means to you.

And if he isn’t ready, after 4 years, I’m so sorry honey, but maybe he isn’t so sure about your relationship. If that’s it, you shouldn’t waste anymore time. You need a serious heart to heart, and if he isn’t willing to talk about it maybe you need a counselor to moderate or something.

Good luck, my heart goes out to you!

Post # 13
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

You know, if I went ring shopping with my boy 3 years ago and he hadnt made a move about it from there, I would be so mad! For me, going ring shopping signifies that the proposal is coming.

It is a good sign that he has asked you to bookmark your ring, but ultimately it seems like he feels he is getting pressured. I know it is not your intention, but boys are strange creatures! I think you should try Mr Bees plan – concentrate on yourself and making you happy and hopefully he will get the hint and follow.

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