Post # 1
Fiance and I were engaged last April 19, 2012. Initially we had planned to elope but my mom talked us into having a wedding because Fiance is the first of his siblings to get married and my mom convinced me it would be nice to include his family. Our plan was for a small, intimate wedding. Fiance has a very large extended family on his mom’s side. All his aunts and uncles have kids and the majority of them all have spouses and kids. Our original plan was to invite all his family members. Rather than send save the dates I opted to create an event on Facebook. Fast forward to about a month and a half ago when we were reviewing our budget as well as our guest list and realized our wedding had gotten out of control. Our guest list was at 80 people and we had completely blown our budget. We had to make a decision to cancel the wedding completely or come up with other options. After looking into the costs associated with canceling with our venue we had already booked it became apparent we would be out too much money to cancel. We thought a good alternative was to downsize the guest list. We had wanted something small to begin with around 40-50 people so this would get us back to what we envisioned in the beginning and keep us within our budget. We gave both his mom as well as mine the option to invite aunts and uncles only as well as immediate family. His mom’s family is very close so she felt you couldn’t invite one without the other and it would be best to keep it to immediate family only.
I put a post up on our wedding event explaining that due to financial reasons and personal reasons we had decided we were keeping our wedding to immediate family and close friends. I offered to have a bbq in the Summer for other family members so they could still celebrate with us.
We come to find out recently that his entire family is pissed at us. They feel that because they are close they aren’t good enough to come to our wedding and I am choosing my family over his. I have to add here that my family is in a completely different province and although I have invited my aunts and uncles as well as immediate family only it will likely only be my immediate family who attends. They feel the bbq is a consellation prize for being cut from the guest list. Two of his cousins and his one aunt removed me as a friend from Facebook because they didn’t want to see my wedding updates anymore stating no hard feelings they will add me after the wedding. They were also upset because one person in his family had booked a room and had to cancel it which was embarassing. His one cousin is a part of our bridal party because her and I are friends and hang out a lot and she has done a lot for us and this has created a huge issue because she is in the bridal party but her mom (FI’s aunt) and sister (FI’s cousin) are not invited. I am so upset that his family is being so petty and childish and creating so much drama.
I can appreciate they are upset because they had planned to come to our wedding and were looking forward to it but at the same time, we didn’t intentionally set out to hurt anyone. We have four children and money is tight. Costs for the wedding added up quicker than we thought they would. We are paying for the wedding on our own. I was hoping his parents might offer to contribute so we could have his whole family be there but this did not happen when we explained our situation to them. I think his mom is upset that her family is no longer able to come but is not being honest with us.
To make matters worse, I gave my own mom an update on our wedding as we had discussed the option of inviting his other family members to the dance after the dinner to help us celebrate. Our biggest expense is our meal at $35 a plate. This was before we realized his family was pissed at us. My own mother now doesn’t want to come to my wedding because it’s too much tension and drama.
We have looked at the option of canceling the entire wedding and going back to our original idea of eloping but we are too far in at this point and it would cost us too much money.
I don’t know how to fix things. Our wedding day is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives and we just want it to be over with.
We feel completely blacklisted by his family.
I was initially upset by it but now I’m past that and I’m angry and resentful because I feel his family has taken the happiness of our wedding away from us.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you move on? How did you cope?
Post # 3
We had tons of family drama because of our wedding, hubby no longer speaks to his parents because of it (actually they stopped speaking to him but you get the idea). In the end, we made the decisions that were right for us as a couple and said screw it to what anyone else wanted or expected. It was difficult and I totally sympathize with what you are going through. Remember your day is about the two of you and that is all that matters! Good luck.
Post # 4
@fallbridetobe2013: I’m sorry but you have to realize you are somewhat culpable… a facebook event page? Not a good idea, especially considering you didn’t simply do the math ahead of time to know whether or not you could accomodate all those people.
I’m sorry, I don’t want to be mean but, you kind of have to understand where these people are coming from… You’re invited! Oh wait, no you’re not anymore! It’s just…. icky.
What’s done is done, you can’t go back in time and change what’s happened. But it will blow over eventually.
Post # 5
Is there any way to downsize your costs besides cutting the guest list? Cash bar, cheaper food, fewer flowers, etc.? Could either set of parents be asked to contribute?
Post # 6
@JemmaWRX: I definitely realize I am culpable and that is why I am trying to make things right. I should have never posted a Facebook event. I owned up to my mistakes. We had done the math before-hand but then realized that things were coming out to way more than we had anticipated.
I do understand where people are coming from. If I was in their position I would be upset as well but I wouldn’t be immature about it and create drama over it. FI reached out to his aunt by phone to try to address the issue and rather than call him back she had her daughter send me a facebook message. Then I got one from the daughter’s cousin saying how the family really felt because noone wanted to admit it.
I wish I could go back and do things differently but like you said, what is done is done. We are hoping it will blow over eventually and people will move in.
Post # 7
@happybunny: We’re afraid that’s what is going to happen in the end is that his parents are no longer going to speak with us. We have been there before with them. Everyone keeps telling us that it is our wedding and we should be able to have the wedding we want and to forget what people are saying. Easier said than done. I know the day is supposed to be about the two of us but it’s hard to focus on that when there is so much underlying stress.
Post # 8
@MrsPHopefully: We have thought of other ways we can downsize our costs. We are already having a cash bar. My parents are paying for the wine on the tables and drink tickets for guests. We have the option of a buffet or a plated meal and they are both the same cost. We don’t have any extra flowers other than our bouquets and boutineres so not sure where we can cut there. My parents are traveling from Ontario so they are paying for their flights, car rental, and accomodations for the wedding as well as the wine and drink tickets. My Fiance hasn’t asked his parents to contribute but I have a feeling they will be offended if we do ask and I think that is what he is afraid of to even bring up the subject with them.
Post # 9
@fallbridetobe2013: You’re right. As much as I might be pissed/upset I certainly wouldn’t add insult to injury and create more issues. So I can sympathize there.
The dust will settle eventually. Sorry buddy!
Post # 10
Hmm…that’s tough. They shouldn’t be offended to simply be asked, but I guess to each his own.
Is there any way that either of you could get an additional job on the weekends or something to make up the cost? Is there a friend or family member that could loan you both the money? I’d hate to see your wedding day be tarnished with a rift like this.
In the event that you did come up with the money, how would they take to being re-invited? Do you think they would scoff at that? If so, maybe you should just leave things as they are. You don’t need more drama than you’ve already got.
Post # 11
Ugh, what a nightmare! Get married in the ceremony/reception you want/can afford.
Also, filter your posts so people not invited to the wedding can’t see your wedding posts!
They’ll all get over it eventually!
Post # 12
What about cutting plated dinner and just do appetizer foods. This would allow more people to come.
Post # 13
Here’s an update on the whole situation.
My Fiance spent an hour on the phone with his mom today. We were a little uncertain how she was feeling about the whole situation. I was shocked to hear her say that she is sick of the family drama. She did not side with any of her family and respects our decision. She is excited about the wedding and said not to dwell on who isn’t there. She said as long as the people that we want are there that is what matters. She was disappointed we had even considered the option to cancel our wedding because of family members. He talked to his dad after speaking with his mom and he said the family is nuts at times.
We are moving on and going forward with our wedding planning and hopefully his family members will get over it in time.
Thanks for all your support and suggestions ladies.