Post # 1
I have been with my fiance for over 6 years, and we’ve been through a lot of changes. Met while studying abroad, lived in multiple cities and moved there together. We have a house and a dog and both work full time. He proposed to me during an amazing vacation in August, and it seems like ever since then everything has gone wrong.
My sister got into an accident with his car (she was fine; he has a bit of a temper and got over it but it was tough going for a while because he had reservations about her borrowing it in the first place), we had a huge flood in our house from a burst pipe that has caused us to live in our bedroom for the past 4 months while repairs were/are being made, and he’s been really unhappy with his job (actually with his entire profession, which he poured a lot of $$ and 8 years into). After months of stress and unhappiness he has finally resigned from his job without something else lined up and will now be looking for another career. Usually some level of uncertainty doesn’t bother me but with everything that’s going on, I feel like i have to be “the rock” and sometimes he is upset/angry and his shortness/angry retorts/bad moods make me feel really depressed. I don’t want to marry someone that makes me feel sad, no matter how much I love him. Is this the way he will always react to bad times or is this a special case because it’s such a big deal?
I’m a bit of a committment-phobe as is, and so all of this is just giving me second throughts about actually tying the knot. Both of our parents are divorced so we already don’t have a great feeling about the institution. On the other hand, I am usually a master “coper” and prefer to slog things out rather than tear things up.
To make matters more complicated, we are getting married in July and are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. Most of our guests are flying in, and some have bought flights already, etc. I find myself feeling particularly “locked in” because of this and the other expenses (like securing the venue and catering) we have already put into the wedding. I just keep moving forward with wedding plans that need to get done even though I am feeling so stressed about it all.
I don’t feel like I can say to my fiance “hey I am having second thoughts because I don’t know if we will be happy, I wish you could change the way you deal with your frustration, etc. etc.” exactly because this is such a bad time for him and I don’t think he would get it, and also if I say I’m having second thoughts by default I think that is the beginning of the end of it all.
How can I get back to a happy place, where i am confident, excited and in love? I’ve accepted the fact that not everyone’s engagement is all butterflies and roses, but am I overthinking things? Making too much out of “the wedding” as this monumental change (we have been living like a married couple for a long time already)? I just wish I could clear my head of doubt.
Post # 3
I think you will be doing both you and your fiance a disservice if you DONT bring it up. Part of building a sucessfull marriage is being open about your feelings, both good and bad. You two are supposed to be working as a cohesive unit and until he learns what is wrong, he has no way of knowing how to correct his behavior. Bottom line – you need to open up to him, in order to give him the chance to make you happy. Quietly sticking it out and hoping for him to change is not going to work, now or after marraige.
Post # 4
Aw, I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling this way! I really think this is something you have to bring up with your Fiance. Try bringing up the concern gently so he does not go on the defensive. July is just around the corner so you may want ot bring it up soon. I’ve learned that when you want to discuss an issue with someone you should try not to make it seem like your blaming them “your frustration” “your anger makes me deppressed.” Try something like “I feel that there’s a lot going on right now that is impeding us from enjoying this moment” and then go from their and see how he reacts. It’s a touch convo to have, good luck!
Post # 5
I whole heartedly agree with the others and just wanted to add my support, as well as don’t feel locked in. If your relatives come out and you decide to not get married, treat it like a vacation for them and plan a few fun activities.
Anyhoo, all marriages (as you said you’ve been living like a married couple for a while now) go through rough patches where you find you have to stick together, support, and grow. This is most likely one of those times and there is a lot that can be gained from it. Perhaps from this, you and your Fiance will talk about his anger and how it can be dealt with (I recommend doing so).
Post # 6
I think all the relatives that have bought plane tickets will understand. They would rather loose some money on the tickets than to see you divorced in a couple years.
Post # 7
Echoing some of the other comments, definitely do not feel locked in. Everyone will understand. My sister ignored the “signs” and got married even though she didn’t really want to. She felt like she had to because my parents had paid a lot of money, and there were family members flying in, etc. She is now divorced and EVERYONE agrees they would have rather lost some money than see her go through a divorce 🙁
Post # 8
This is the perfect time to work together as a team and support each other through thick and thin, this is how you will both build a foundation together as husband and wife. If you really do love him, you cant give up and shouldnt think of giving up thats how marriages end. Money issues shouldnt be a reason to stick to the game either (guests flights, venue etc). If you guys cant get past this now and stick together how can you get through more serious problems in the future? Let him know how you feel and see what he says but dont blame anything on him, men hate that.
Post # 9
Have you considered a pre-marriage counselor? With the seriousness of what you’re describing, it might be good to have a neutral third party there to make sure that you guys are able to make positive progress. Or, if you’re short on money, meeting with a minister for pre-marriage counseling? We’re not religious but we found a non-denominational minister and meet with him every couple of weeks. We’ve found it tremendously helpful. I’m also reading the book “men are from mars, women are from venus,” and it’s been really enlightening.
Can you postpone the wedding if needed while you’re sorting through these issues? You don’t need to tell your guests specifics – “We feel rushed, and want to spend a little more time on preparing for our marriage” – would be sufficient. And, with the notice that you’re giving them, they can probably get refunds and/or credits, and maybe you can even convince your vendors to postpone as well.
On one hand, I do think that “getting cold feet” is pretty normal and is somewhat expected. There’s a lot of stress that surrounds a wedding and it can be overwhelming. What you describe sounds more like an ongoing and real issue that needs to be worked out. I guess I’d figure out which one it was, and go from there.
Post # 10
I would suggest premarital counseling. You could start out going for just yourself and then work your way to the both of you going. I think it is normal to have second thoughts about such a large commitment, especially during a difficult time in your lives. The important thing is to remember that hard times are going to be part of a marriage and this will likely not be the only time in your lives that one of you is without a job and have other hardships going on. What is important is for the two of you to be able to have open communication about things and to be each other’s support no matter what. If this means that you need to see a therapist on your own to have your own (unbiased) support then that is fine. DO whatever works for you. Do you love your fiance? Would you want to be going through an extremely difficult time with anyone else? Can you see yourself getting through this and still loving your fiance the same? Do you think you are going to resent your fiance for not working and putting a lot of pressure on your shoulders to be “the rock”? These are questions that I would think very carefully about. Of course, they are not the only questions you can be asking yourself and each other, but I think it is a good start for what to think of yourself. I have heard from so many people that the engagement is the hardest time in a relationship and that if you can make it through that then you will be good to go for marriage. It is a time when all eyes are on you, there is a lot of pressure in general and many people are pulling you in different directions. Add this to a time when there is stress over family and jobs and other life events and it can be very overwhelming!!! I think it can be healthy to question marriage because it is a HUGE decision and it is good to be 100% sure of the commitment you are getting into, just as long as that second guessing comes around to realizing that of course you want to be with this person and that you cannot see yourself with anyone else, whether that be during happy times or sad times. I wish you the best!!
Post # 11
An important question is, if you weren’t getting married and were going through this rough patch, would you be considering breaking up with him? I know for some people, even though they would make the choice to stay with their SO again and again it is the thought of forever that freaks them out. I think if you were sure about marrying him a month or two ago and if a wedding wasn’t on the horizon wouldn’t consider breaking up with him over this – this is probably just cold feet. I do think that his way of dealing with frustration would be a good topic for going to counseling with, the two of you will face much easier sailing in life if you can handle rough times by supporting each other. No one is perfect and sometime there are rough patches and sometimes one’s partner doesn’t behave perfectly that doesn’t mean you wouldn’t still choose to spend your life with them.
(P.S. I will probably get much much disagreement on this by the hive but sometimes when/if you do want to marry your SO but are scared about what ifs it can help to remember that divorce is an option and your vows don’t have to have the words forever in them – you’re committing because you are committed but if things become unbearably bad you can get out.)
Post # 12
I have to agree with everyone that you MUST talk with him NOW about it. Having these doubts and hiding it from him is no way to begin a marriage.
And you guys have to learn how to work through rough patches like these together. Life IS going to be like this. There are going to be rough times. No doubt. You can bet your mortgage on that. It’s how you work through it as a couple that makes you stronger or weaker. Don’t start a marriage on a weak foundation -as cliche as that sounds.
And I agree that if at the end of the day you feel you can not go through with it your family will NOT mind. Your happiness is more important.
I wish you the best of luck!
Post # 13
Don’t give up just yet!
My fiance and I kind of went through the same phase as you right after the most perfect proposal ever. His parents are going through a divorce right now (after 36 years of marriage), his job is super busy and stressful, and I am a full time grad school student plus working full time. We have had hardly any time together as a couple without chores, errands, or things to deal with. So, I recommend a therapist who does premarital counseling. We only went to 2 sessions so far (because we literally cannot find time to go more often) and that really helped. We noticed that we are just stressed, and I am a bit commitment phobic (I am a Gemini), and we are dealing with A LOT in terms of life and planning a wedding. So, talk with your fiance. Be honest. This is a time that you guys need to be best friends and work together. I think these are great “trials” for you both but keep a positive attitude. I mean, if you really and truly are over it, by all means, stop the wedding and don’t worry what others will think. But, if you are at all like me and getting the jitters, and wondering if this means the rest of your life will be this way, just take a deep breath. Love is always about risk. You never will know anyone better than you know yourself. Trust yourself. Lead by example. And if you are in love, trust that he loves you endlessly and take a leap of faith.
Post # 14
I think that it is HUGELY important to talk about things. There are a lot of not so fun things going on for you guys at the moment and no matter what that will add stress to your life. And many people find weddings to be extremely stressful so put that together and it’s not fun at all.
It’s necessary that a marriage comes from a place of mutual respect, understanding, patience and compassion. Life isn’t all about sunshine and rainbows – as much as we’d love for it to be – and so it’s completely necessary that when the tough times come that you are comfortable with your partner to be able to talk about them and deal with them in a way that works for you two. A lot of people have suggested counselling which can work, everyone deals with things differently and some people aren’t up for that, but a 3rd impartial party is a really good idea to keep tempers from flaring and to keep it about the issue and not let things be a direct/personal attack. Sometimes when things are brought up in a relationship it feels like a personal attack or becomes really confrontational.
I don’t know how you’ve handled any disagreements/arguments in the past but that might be a good starting point to think about what’s worked for you guys before. If you’ve always just brushed off issues and not gotten to the root of the problem by talking about them and dealing with them, this might bring up a can of worms with resentment – in which case a 3rd party will be essential. If you’ve had pretty good results dealing with issues, take that same approach and hopefully it will payoff for you 🙂
I really wish you the best of luck with this and hope you and your honey can figure it all out. And remember that family and friends will totally support your decision and will understand what you need to do.