(Closed) Too much of his culture… not enough of mine… (LONG)

posted 7 years ago in Intercultural
Post # 3
Hostess
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m not sure how you can incorporate more American stuff in the wedding.  As an American though, I might find it interesting to see a wedding from another culture since I wouldn’t have an opportunity to see it otherwise.

Post # 4
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Um tell them and put your foot down, especially since your family is paying for most of it.  If you don’t like someone veto it and veto it for real.  If your planner is giving you grief, fire her.

My Fiance is Belgian and I’m American and I can see that if we got married in Belgium or US it would be mainly Belgian or American, so we chose netral territory, Northern Ireland, since we met there.  It works better this way and we can incorportate both US, Belgian and even English customs into our wedding.

Good luck, don’t let them get away with planning it their way, and if you don’t like it tell daddy not to write a check.

Post # 5
Member
5179 posts
Bee Keeper

This sounds really hard, I am sorry you are going through this. Maybe do some planning by yourself? What other american ideas did you have?

Post # 6
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Hello Romabride,

I feel your pain.  I am in the same boat as you are.  We are having the wedding in my Fiance town.  My family is a different culture and there will be no part of it in the wedding. They live far away and have had no part in the planning.  As a matter of fact some people jokingly call her the MOB.

When I get upset, my Fiance looks at me like I am crazy but he is the sweetest man ever. In addition my family does not drink alcohol and are against it so we can’t invite them. 

Since you are paying for the wedding then you should have a say in the wedding. Your wedding planner should try to incorporate your ideas.  That is her job.

Good luck!

 

Post # 7
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

You need to sit down alone, and figure what American elements are really important to you. The fact is whether it is in Italy or not, it is you wedding too AND YOUR parents are covering 70% of the cost. I don’t know how far along you are in the planning process but you need to speak up for yourself now. You only get one wedding day and you should feel free to enjoy it and have your wishes heard. You don’t have to be confrontational but be firm.

I am in a similar situation. I am Catholic, black, and come from a working class Caribbean background. My Fiance is Jewish,  white, and come from an upper middle class background. We all have very different ideas of what a wedding should look like. But at the end of the day, if you want it so, it should be a reflection of your AND your Fiance, not just one sided. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Dude, you should definitely be able to wear whatever the f you want. It’s your wedding day! I would go a little bridezilla here, if I were you.  There is just too much you are relenting on, and although it is just one day, you might later regret not standing up for what you want.

 

Set the precedent now.

Post # 9
Member
13 posts
Newbee

Do what makes you happy! Who cares if they roll their eyes, it’s your day and you’ll remember it forever as will your parents. I’m sure they’ve dreamed about the day their little girl gets married since you were born. If the wedding planner doesn’t like it who cares?! You’re paying them to help you, not make your decisions.

I’m sure you’re day will be beautiful just take deep breathes and remember to follow your heart and your style.

Post # 11
Member
5179 posts
Bee Keeper

@RomaBride: that sounds like a plan for sure. Feel free to pm me if you want to bounce ideas one on one 🙂 good luck to you

Post # 12
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Geeez! I lived in Rome for several years, so I can totally picture a bunch of Italians rolling their eyes at you and saying “that’s not done here”.

I gotta say, I feel you! My fiance is from Mexico, and we are doing the wedding there (although NOT in his hometown – thank God – which was something his family doesn’t get and isn’t thrilled with, but I knew it being right where he grew up would mean even more meddling from them plus a tripled guest list).

While his family hasn’t been nearly has overbearing as your FI’s family has, I know they think some things are weird. Like, I am sending out save the dates and was going to order half in Spanish for his family. He mentioned something to his mom about it and she was like “What!? Why so EARLY!?” and he explained to her they weren’t invitations, just save the dates. Well, she told him NOT to send them anyone there, because if someone else sees them, they will get mad they are not invited, and plus people won’t understand why they are getting something so early before the wedding (10 mos beforehand is early?).

Now granted – my family is paying for 90% of the wedding so I flat out told Fiance, hey, if your fam wants a say, they need to pony up the $$$. Well, they seem quite content to just keep their mouths shut as long as they don’t have to fund much and just let me do it my way.

I want to do a more American-style wedding procession, and I just know it will be met with confusion, etc. Along with some of the other things we are doing at the reception.

I just say keep your grace, in the end do what YOU want, explain why it is important to you – and as I told my Fiance – the wedding day is mostly about THE BRIDE AND WHAT SHE WANTS! Everone know it is a way bigger deal for the woman than the man, that is just the way it is. Don’t be afraid to stand your ground. 

Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
2246 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I am going through the same thing here in Japan. Its tough when our traditions are different.

Post # 14
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Hang in there.  Trying to plan a bi-cultural wedding is difficult.  From my own experience, I had to get my fiance on board so that he knew where I was coming from.  Sometimes, it put him at odds with his family but in the end, the wedding was about him and I, not about trying to please his parents and a community of people we hardly knew.  We compromise to the best of our ability with his parents and was still able to make the day about us.  I, myself did not feel that it was fair when my fiance and I were paying for the whole cost of the wedding, yet, his parents wanted everything to be about their culture. 

I think if you can find a away to have your fiance understand where your coming from and your feelings on this, you might have more support. The fact of the matter is that it doesn’t matter where the wedding take place, it should incorporate both culture and since your father is paying more, you should have half the say in what you want to do. 

Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Maybe we need more details, but I am truly not seeing a problem or anything that I was a guest would see as being overly Italian. Long, sappy speech? Sounds like he really cares and is happy and emotional about the wedding, lots of girls WISH their in-laws felt that way. Super fancy favors that you don’t have to pay for? Awesome! Saving on the budget and getting something nice. What are some of the things you’ve wanted but gotten shot down on?

 

It seems to me that there must be some underlying issue here that you’re worried about regarding FI’s family. Maybe I’m off-base, obviously I don’t know you personally, but that it just my impression from reading this.

Post # 16
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’m italian, italian weddings are supposed to be a certain way. Just like american weddings are supposed to be a certain way. Personally I think the couple should mediate and incorporate elements from both cultures and personalities. I see you when you say there’s too much of his culture. Unfortunately there are some things that we don’t do on italian weddings, and there is a meaning for it, even though some people forgot it.

The red shoes ? The bride is supposed to wear white, and white only ( except the ” something blue”) because it symbolizes purity and virginity. All the other shades, off white, ivory , cream and such are twists to the shiny “whipping cream” white. Other colors, including red are used for second time brides, for example widows. Black is the color of funerals and should not be incorporated into a wedding. Now, I find the red shoes a nice touch though, I can’t understand why they’d twist their nose at you…but with so many other colors to choose from, I’d suggest to avoid black. 

I see you on the elaborate favors. I dislike them too. Out-fashioned dust collectors they are, and expensive ones. But for italian families, they are a way to show off taste and wealth. They are also supposed to remind people of your wedding years and years to come. If you’re not paying for them I suppose you just put up with them, and let his family pick them. 

But i’d definitely demand an english version of the ceremony, either written or verbally translated. Your family and friends deserve to know what’s going on and what’s being said and promised. 

 

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