Post # 1
I’m a bridesmaid in an upcoming wedding and the bride wants to to go on a trip for her bachelorette party. this trip including airfare, hotel, spending, etc will probably run me $1,000. am i being a bad bridesmaid if i don’t go? my main reason is financial. her wedding is a destination wedding (for me) as it is so i have to pay for flight + hotel for her wedding wknd. her bridal party is very small so if i back out, the trip may or may not happen. what would you do if you were in my shoes?
P.S. i got married last year and this bride was in my wedding party. we took a trip for my bachelorette party but not in the $1,000 neighborhood. she was also local for my wedding so aside from bachelorette party, her costs were minimal. (i paid for dress, hair, makeup, etc). plus we were obviously in a different economic climate.
Post # 3
I can´t tell you what to do, but I was in the same situation, and I paid more than $1,000 on the bachelorette weekend, then I traveled again to be in the wedding. The bride appreciated it a lot, and I am glad I did it. I would not have wanted her to back out on my own bachelorette party. I guess I kind of feel like it is a duty of being a bridesmaid. One bridesmaid didn’t come and the rest of us were a bit disappointed/annoyed. That is something else to think about… not just the bride but your fellow maids.
Post # 4
I think that’s way too much. There are a ton of other ways to have a really great fun bachelorette party without having to fly somewhere or spend a lot of money. I think we all sort of dream about being able to do that but in reality it’s not possible. I would never have thought it acceptable to ask my bridesmaids to spend that much money on my bachelorette party. Is your friend really controlling over the planning of this? Maybe you and the rest of the bridesmaids can come up with a plan to surprise her with a party that involves being closer to home? What I’ve learned from my own bachelorette party and wedding is that it doesn’t matter where you are, it’s who you’re with. That’s the most important thing and the biggest factor in having a fun time. Don’t feel too bad about it if you do decide to pull out of the plans. She should understand that with everything that is going on with the economy. People need to hold on to their jobs and all the money they have at this point!
Good luck and let us know what happens!
Post # 5
I would say that’s excessive. I am also going on a trip but only to save my bridesmaids some money.
I live in Boston now as does my Maid of Honor but I used to live in Charleston, SC and that’s where 2 of my other bridesmaids live, I’m not really counting on my sister to come (she lives in CT). I chose to do this for my bachelorette party because those 2 bridesmaids have to pay for a dress, shoes, hair, airfare, hotels and everything else just to come to my wedding. To have them fly up to Boston for my bachelorette party too would be rude of me so my moh and I are going there.
I would explain to your bride that you can’t afford to go with everything else. Maybe find out where they’re going or staying and pay for the hotel for a night or start a $100 tab at a bar/restaurant they may be going to just to help her celebrate.
Hope this helps you at all.
Post # 6
I was in the same situation last year. They wanted to do this big trip and I just couldn’t afford to go with them. I was honest with the bride. I told her I wanted to go, but could not afford it. She understood and she made plans somewhere a little more local. I felt bad for being the one to say no to the trip, but I had to look out for my own well-being.
Post # 7
Did she include you in the initial planning? Unless my girls were on board with the choices/$ from the beginning, I would NEVER ask them to spend that much. I don’t know other’s financial situations, but I would be in shock if one of my friends asked me to spend that much. Of course, we aren’t the type to go crazy on attendants gifts, either. Luckily I’m one of the last ones married, lol, so I can see what most of them did.
Post # 8
I have to say IF you can’t afford it, it’s excessive. A lot of people have no problem paying that kind of money but if you can’t/don’t want to than yea, it’s excessive.
I wouldn’t drop that kind of money on a bacholorette weekend nor do I expect my friends to pay that high of an amount for me.
My one bride friend wanted to fly somewhere but we just took charge and planned a super fun weekend some place local instead b/c the bridal party decided her original request was just to expensive. Can you do that? Is there a place nearby that’s similar to what the bride wants to do?
Post # 9
I agree that you should just talk to your friend the bride and let her know your situation. If it were me, I would want to have a more low key event with all my friends instead of an exotic weekend with out some friends and I would like to know ahead of time if someone couldn’t come for financial reasons so we could plan accordingly. You don’t need to spend a lot of money to have fun with your girlfriends.
Post # 10
hey ladies – thanks for your comments thus far.
the bachelorette trip was sort of a "mandate". she had a heart set on going and that was basically that. in terms of doing something local, her bridal party is spread throughout the country so not sure how much cheaper an alternative idea would be. i guess my gripe with this is, while yes, $1,000 is a lot, i could make it work but in today’s economic environment, it just seems irresponsible. also, keep in mind that i’m already going to spend $1,000+ just to GO and BE in her wedding.
Post # 11
We would all love to go on crazy expensive weekend (or longer) trips for any occasion, but the fact is that if it’s really important to you as the bride or groom (or party planner in any situation) that everybody be able to come, you plan something that you know is not going to be a strain for your guests. Some people just don’t get this. My husband has two friends who are really wealthy, but most of his best friends are not. The two guys with money started out planning a $2500 (!!) weekend golf trip for his bachelor party. Needless to say, the other guys were upset – because there was no way they could afford it. He was not excited to intervene, but I finally said "What’s more important to you – having your best friends with you, or going on a fancy trip?" They ended up having a great time at a much less fancy resort, one they could all drive to instead of having to fly.
Your friend is either making some assumptions about your financial situation that are way off base, or is not being very considerate. If it’s just a matter of where you foolishly spend $1000 (in other words, if you would go out and blow it on shoes anyway) then you should probably just go with the bachelorette party that she wants. If it’s more a matter of having to put it on a credit card, or not being able to meet your other financial commitments, you should definately speak up. Just tell her that while that sounds great, and you would love to be able to do it, you really don’t have the money. If it’s really important to her to have you there, she will scale back her plans. If the trip is more important to her than having you there, at least you don’t have to feel bad about not going. (Although in that case, I would say that she’s maybe not as good a friend as you thought.)
Post # 12
goodness gracious– that’s a pretty hefty bachelorette party! i’d tell your bride that you can’t make it due to financial reasons (which would be the the truth). i feel bad for making my girls spend about $300 for my vegas trip… i couldn’t imagine spending that much cash on a girls’ weekend!
Post # 13
This bride is in a tough situation, since her maids are from all over the place and would most likely have to travel no matter where it was. However, since that’s the case, she should be understanding that not everyone will be able to afford a $1000+ trip. So, my answer probably echoes a lot of peoples’ – let her know that you just can’t afford it right now. Her response will tell you a lot about her
Post # 14
It’s hard to say what I would do. I’ve been in your shoes several times and most of the time, I try my hardest to save to make sure I can participate in all the bridal party events and trips even if I wasn’t financially stable.
It’s a hard time right now and I think you have to take care of yourself first. If it comes down to reaching into your personal savings for this trip, I would say that it is understandable that you not go and maybe talk to the rest of the bridesmaid about possible holding it somewhere closer. I’ve never personally not go to a trip when I was a bridesmaid but the state the economy is in is so unpromising right now.
Post # 15
- Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union
I think once you even begin to consider this sort of thing you only add fuel to the fire of the bridezilla complex–that brides are entitled to anything and everything. As a bridesmaid you are already spending probably in the neighborhood of 250-500 for your dress, shoes, hair, and travel expenses, if not more. That’s a lot of money.
If all of the maids live out of her area, perhaps a bachelorette party is something that her local friends should do. I would feel awful if I asked anyone to travel (especially with plane tickets being so expensive) for basically a glorified hangover. You’re already making a substantial investment in her wedding. You don’t owe her anything.
If the bride is "annoyed" that you’re not coming, she clearly has no capacity for empathizing with a person’s financial situation. You should never feel obligated to spend a lot of money.
Post # 16
I’m so nervous about something like this happening with my bach party. Five of the seven bridesmaids will have to come in from out of town for it and I dont want it to turn into a fiasco. I really just want a weekend with my favorite girls! It’s not for a while — and I know my sister (MOH) is going to handle it as best as possible but I just fear some resentment from the bridesmaids who have to travel for both the bachelorette party AND the wedding.
I’m also in a wedding this May and I’m struggling with the same type of situation. I will have to fly for any wedding events — and I think right now the bride expects me at both the shower AND the bach party — just not possible! I truly dont want to disappoint her but there’s just no way financially I could do that.
It’s hard — but my advice is to just talk to her. She chose you to be in the wedding because you are close friends — use that to your advantage. Call her (dont email!!) talk to her about it — let her know how you’re feeling and that you want to do everything you can for her but $1000 is just too much for you right now!