(Closed) too much to ask for bachelorette party?

posted 11 years ago in Parties
Post # 32
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

 Have you TOLD her or the planner you will go? If so, then please do, as you will increase the cost of everyone involved (or potentially screwup travel, hotel, etc) if you back out at the last minute. $1,000 is average in my circle for a bachelorette, but don’t go into debt if you cannot afforrd it. that said, don’t say you can and then back out.

Post # 33
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

If you can’t afford to go, you absolutely shouldn’t feel obligated to go — not at any time, but especially not now, when so many of us are worried about money.

 I doubt I’ll even have a bachelorette party, and if I do, I won’t expect my bridesmaids, who live all over the country and beyond, to attend. We’re pretty spread out. I do have another group of friends where I live now, which is where my Maid/Matron of Honor and one other bridesmaid also live, so I’m hoping my Maid/Matron of Honor will plan something for us. I guess that’s a different situation, but I just know I wouldn’t expect my bridesmaids to blow a bunch of money on me. In fact, I’d feel pretty awful if they did.

Post # 34
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I agree – if you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it.  Just let the Maid/Matron of Honor know up front because I’m sure the rest of the girls are planning on splitting things 4 ways (or how ever many) and with you out it will be more expensive for the rest of them.  Knowing early may also change the bride’s mind and maybe she’ll have it closer to home.  Either way, bow out gracefully now instead of going ahead it with and resenting the bride for the next few weeks (or months, depending on how well you hold a grudge).  Good luck!

Post # 36
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

southernbelll, I’m so sorry your friend wasn’t more understanding!  But I’m sure she’ll come around eventually.  My guess is that she’s disappointed that her dream bachelorette might not happen, but that deep down she knows it was unreasonable of her to expect all of her bridesmaids to pay for such a lavish trip.  (In my experience, that’s almost always the underlying cause of passive-aggressive behavior — the person being passive-aggressive knows they’re in the wrong but still feels mad.)  You did the right thing and I’m sure she’ll get over it.

Post # 37
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

southernbell, that’s way harsh of the bride to be giving you a hard time for your decision.  I think a good friend should 100% understand where you’re coming from.  Maybe she’s just having a bridezilla moment and will (hopefully) get over it soon!

If that bachelorette party falls through, maybe you could suggest having a girl’s night the day before the reherasal dinner…?  We did that when I was in a wedding where all the bridesmaids were spread across the country.  Granted, it wasn’t as exciting as a weekend in Vegas or at the beach, but we all had fun and the bride got to spend some good quality time with her friends.  Isn’t that what’s most important anyway??

Post # 38
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Southernbell, you did the right thing. She might be upset right now, but in the end she’ll get over it. On a side note, perhaps you can take her out what night or something as an exchange for not going. That way she can still have happy pre-wedding memories with all of her bridesmaids, including you! Take care.

Post # 39
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I am currently in the same situation… My background: sister of the groom, bride and I have become quite close over the past few years.

However, I am in my early 20s… and the bride/groom, rest of the wedding party are in their early 30s. Point is, I do not make nearly as much money as they do as I just got out of college and started my career. I know she really wants me to be there… she almost expects me to. I don’t want to ask anyone to fund a portion of my trip; I’d rather not go at all. Any suggestions, comments?

Post # 40
Member
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@voodoom: I think just like others have posted here, you can politely decline going.  I would not accept help to pay for the trip, just simply say you can’t go. 

Post # 41
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@southernbelll:  First of all, its rude for the bride to be dictating what she wants for a party that others are throwing for her.  Secondly, its entitled and selfish to expect others to shell out over 1K to throw her a party! 

No, you’re not being a bad bridesmaid – she’s being a bad bride.

Post # 42
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m bumping this because I just got an email from the Maid of Honor for a wedding in May and she’s saying that the bride wants to go to Vegas.  We’re in Virginia.  Flight alone is $500 and to top it off, I just lost my job (all of which the bride knows).

How do I nicely explain to the bride that this is something I might not be able to do financially?  I already had to turn down going up to NYC to go to Kleinfelds because I didn’t have the money.  I feel like a total loser and bad friend.

Post # 43
Member
4504 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My honest answer is that yes, it’s way too much to ask for a bacjelorette party. I would never ask such a thing.

BUT, the other part of my answer is that I probably would suck it up and go, especially since it’s a small wedding party. I’m a sucker. A poor sucker.

Post # 44
Member
439 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

$1000 is excessive.

I’m also having a destionation wedding so my BM’s are spending quite a bit on airfare.As much as I would have loved to have my bachelorette party in NYC as I had orignally planned, it was just too expensive for my BM’s and I didn’t think it was fair to ask them to spend another $900-$1000 on my party when they were already spending a lot on my wedding.

I think the bride should understand that not everyone in her bridal party can afford a destination bach. party and a destionation wedding.

Post # 45
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I may be wrong here but isn’t it the duty of the BMs to plan the bachlorette festivities? I think it is a little insane to ask people to spend that kind of money period and esp on top of her having a destination wedding. That is a lot to ask of people in my opinion. I would never ask people to shell out that kind of money for me period!

Post # 46
Member
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@baileysbride2be:  The email I got was from the Maid/Matron of Honor saying that the bride has said this is what she wants.  I’m not sure if I need to go straight to the Bride or bring it up with the Maid/Matron of Honor…

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