(Closed) Too Much Too Soon????

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1296 posts
Bumble bee

I would wait until his been at his job for a while say at least six months.  Just give him time to get settle in and adjust.  Once his been there for a while then I would bring it back up.  Who knows maybe by the time you talk to him he could of been starting to save money for the ring.  I hope this helps.

Post # 4
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

I’d wait or him to get a couple of paychecks before I start with the engagement talk. When it comes to unemployment, it hits guys way harder than it does women. Give him time to catch up a little.

Post # 5
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with the others. Wait. If he’s only been working for a week he probably hasn’t even seen his first paycheck yet and hearing he needs to start looking to make a big purchase before he sees a penny from his new job might freak him out. I know it’s hard sometimes and you’re feeling anxious. I don’t know what your feelings are, but if you’re wanting a proposal by your anniversary, maybe you could hint to him about it later on and tell him he doesn’t need a ring to propose. Then you guys could pick something out together later. Just an idea. Congrats to him on the new job, and I hope he suprises you sooner than later! 🙂

Post # 7
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I don’t know if this helps, but I heard someone on the radio this morning make a pretty good statement:  “You don’t get married for better and for better.”

I know you’re not married yet, but in most modern relationships you pass through many of the trials that used to be reserved only for couples who’d wed, including things like the loss of a job.  It DOES hit a man far harder than a woman to lose your job, AND to know that the loss of his ability to provide for you has led you to a point where you are disapponted that he hasn’t been able to fulfuill a promise to you.  Even in today’s age, men are still epected to not only make more than their wives/GFs/whatever, but they are expected to make enough of a living to provide for a future family when the wife may no longer have time to work while rearing children.  My Boyfriend or Best Friend often feels a sting from the fact the I make a little more than him simply because I graduated college first and entered the workforce 7 years before him… had we been on the same page back then, and had he not goofed off and finished school, he’d be up about 10,000.00 ahead of me simply becuse he’s a man.  It’s a social taboo to acknowledge thse days, but part of the reason men make more on average IS because men aren’t as likely to leave work for pregnancy and childcare, and we STILL expect the man to be the one working  – you find a lot more SAHWs/SAHMs than SAHHs(husbands)/SHAFs(fathers) – so a man needs to feel he can not only take care of himself but his future intended as well.

Talking about it now will only hurt his self-esteem – I have to agree with the other Bees and say wait as long as you can before broaching the subject again.  He needs time to feel good about himself as a man and a provider, and he needs to feel secure in this new job before a ring/engagement/wedding are even a top priority for him.  He knows what you want – and I bet it’s killing him in private that he can’t give it to you yet.  Don’t pour salt on the wound – let the job pan out, let him be able to recover from being unemployed both financially and mentally.  He might be able to surprise you.  Kinda treat it like a postponed ski trip because he broke his leg – you’d not expect him to be able to go skiing once the doctor slapped on a cast, or even the week after the cast is off, would you?  You’d know he needs time to heal and get everything back to working order – same thing with the job. 🙂

Post # 8
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My Fiance and I were plannign a big trip to Rome, where we fully intended to get engaged and have great pictures and a great story and start planning a wedding. A couple months before our trip he got laid off. He was out of work for a year. We went to Rome (tickets were bought, emergency fund was full, so no point in losing the money cancelling 🙂 )We had a great time. We did not get engaged.

When he started his job, 10 months ago, I said “so we are getting engaged as soon as we can afford a ring, right?” and that was the plan and that’s what happened. We are getting married in 5 months!

I think if you were both planning on getting engaged, and the only interruption was him losing his job, you should feel comfortable mentioning it. If nothing else, to gauge how he is feeling. He might feel much more cautious after losing his job once and be planning to wait a LONG time. It’s better to ask and know, so you can adjust your expectations.

Post # 9
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

if you have to have a ring for your engagement, because you both want proof he can provide for you, then you need to be responsible and wait until he has the excess income to actually provide for you.  it’s no fun, but bringing it up and fussing over engagement will only make things worse.  if you’re unwilling to wait for him to have enough money by a certain time, then you can certainly leave and find someone else with more cash!

Post # 10
Member
3601 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Give him a month at least before mentioning it, at least two months before mentioning it with a firm timeline.

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