Too scared to TTC after friend miscarried (TW miscarriage/loss)

posted 7 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
9805 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

MC is a scary, awful thing. One thing that has always brought me comfort is the knowledge that miscarriage is your bodies way of stopping a pregnancy that would not be sustainable for whatever reason. As painful as that is emotionally, it’s really our bodies way of helping us. 

But there is no guarantee that it will happen to you. We spent 10 months TTC and I was very aware of then possibility of what could happen if I did fall pregnant, especially being apart of the POAS boards and watching other bees go through it. We were very lucky that our first positive resulted in a healthy baby but I am aware that we may not be as lucky next time.

I say this to say, MC has not already been decided for you. You can conceive and have a healthy baby without experiencing loss. It’s not guaranteed but it’s possible. I know I decided my desire to try was more than my fear, now you have to make the same decision.

Post # 3
7816 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your friend’s miscarriage just happened, so the pain is very raw for her. I imagine as time goes on, she will begin to feel better both physically and emotionally, and have a more positive outlook again. That’s how it was for me anyway…I was devastated after mine, but a couple weeks later was back to TTC and feeling more or less like myself again. Still had moments of sadness of course, but it was like a switch flipped and the hormones cleared and I actually began to feel kind of detached from all that pain that I’d been feeling just a week or two before, and back to feeling excitement about TTC again. 

Of course everyone processes this type of thing differently, and your friend may take more or less time to move on after this – all I’m saying is that she’s in the thick of it now and how she feels today may be very different from how she feels in a few days, weeks, or months.

As for your own fears about TTC…yes, miscarriages are fairly common (my OB told me the rate is 20% I think), and it’s good to be aware that it could happen to you, but if you know you want a child I wouldn’t let the fear of miscarriage stop you from trying. Personally, now that I have a baby, I find that “what if’s” about my child’s actual life way more terrifying than the prospect of going through another MC some day when we TTC #2. Like what if my child gets sick, struggles with mental health, gets into drugs some day…etc. There are soooo many unknowns in life, but, as cliche as it sounds, I don’t think it’s a good idea to let fear of the unknown stop you from pursuing something you want. Therapy is definitely a good idea to help with that sort of thing.

Post # 4
7856 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

anonee008 :  miscarriages suck. I’ve had one (that’s how I spent my first mother’s day so yea….) and so have many women I know. But you know what’s totally awesome? My daughter. She’s the best freaking thing to ever happen to me. She’s sweet and legitimately funny and I don’t just love her – I like her. When TTC and even when you get pregnant it can be really scary to think of loss, but focus on the potential good! The good far outweighs the bad and helps you to appreciate it even more.

Post # 5
867 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I think you should look for a therapist that you can talk to about this anxiety. Miscarriage is really hard, even if it’s very early. Mine was at 4 weeks, so just after I got the positive test, and there are times I am still sad about it. However, I agree with PP that the risk is worth it to have a baby in your arms. There are a lot of variables throughout your child’s entire life, so being able to look for the opportunity instead of the fear is something you should work on before continuing TTC. Only you can decide if the potential for a child outways the fear of miscarriage, but since you struggle with anxiety I think you need to work with a professional to get to the bottom of this instead of letting your anxiety decide this for you. I have bipolar disorder and anxiety, so I understand how hard it is to get out of your own head with something like this, but it really is worth trying. 

Post # 7
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

anonee008 :  you need professional help to deal with this. Its extreme. I’m not trying to be callous but delaying your own family plans because of what happened to a friend is severe. Miscarrying is very common and most women go on to have healthy pregnancies. Your anxiety is affecting your life in a really big way.

Post # 8
374 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I would definitely recommend getting therapy, and if you decide you do want to resume TTC then keep it up, because it will be good to have a supportive person/coping strategies later in pregnancy too. I had issues with anxiety about the safety of my baby during the last few weeks of pregnancy, despite having manageable anxiety levels in normal life. 

I don’t know if this helps or makes it worse (the unknown), but you never really know how your body/hormones etc will react. I’m a fairly anxious person normally, that got a little out of control during pregnancy, but has been much better since my son was born. My cousin is also a very anxious person but during pregnancy she felt very relaxed, and has been mostly the same since her daughter was born. 

Post # 9
8308 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

anonee008 :  

I think your last update showed really admirable,  courageous,  honest self analysis . Not everyone deeply desires motherhood or is, as you say, necessarily destined for parenthood. 

But also sometimes , a frightening  thing  can  make you doubt your ability or even your desires .  I think,  with the hindsight of many years I realised that my stance on not ‘needing’ a child and being ‘OK’ with infertilty  arose in part from something like this , and meant I didn’t  follow   other options or  more stringent anti infertiilty avenues.

I’m  not  saying being  childless has ruined my  life , it hasn’t , nor might it ruin yours,  I’m  just  saying consider everything before making any longterm decisions and /or  hardening a particuar mindset.

Post # 10
675 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - California

It’s totally normal not to know much about a miscarriage until you have had one. And even then, every woman’s experience is different. For some, like me, there was no bleeding and I ended up having a D&C. For others, it really is like a heavy period. And for others, it is as painful as labor. For some reason, doctors and nurses don’t seem to do a very good job of making clear to women that there are many possible outcomes and that it can be very physically traumatic in addition to the emotional trauma of it. 

It sounds like right now you are not sure if you want children. I hope, though, that if you end up deciding that you do want children that the fear of a miscarriage will not deter you. I had a severe paranoia and fear of miscarriage when I was pregnant and I honestly don’t think it actually mattered in the end – it didn’t make going through the experience of an MMC and a D&C any different than it would have been had I not been so afraid of that outcome going into it. I think its a good thing that you have a greater understanding and appreciation of what it can be like and that you have been a supportive friend to someone who needs that right now, but you also can’t live your life in fear. I sometimes think that our brains try to use fear as a way to protect ourselves but it seems like a really ineffective coping mechanism in the case of fearing a miscarriage when you are pregnant. 

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