So amidst all the noncommittal BS, if you get down to the nitty gritty, he is saying he doesn’t know if you’re the one and he doesn’t know if or when he will know. So he doesn’t want to put a timeline on it when he doesn’t know if he will propose because he can’t say for sure you’re it for him and he doesn’t want you expecting a proposal since it may not happen.
This is the only reasonable thing he has said in your entire post: “And that it feels too soon to talk about it when we aren’t quite at 2 years yet.” This could be plausible but I would only give him another 6 months to figure it out.
Please understand that if you decide to give him more time that this is why. It’s not because you’re for sure his future wife and he just has to get established in his career or pay off debt or whatever. There are no concrete obstacles. The obstacle is emotional and there’s no guarantee he will marry you because right now he isn’t sure about you.
From your OP:
“The topic hasn’t really come up too much since then other than me mentioning I would like to be thinking about/trying for my first baby around 27. And him saying on a few occasions that he knows I want kids in the next few years.”
It sounds like you’re incompatible. He’s holding back and not telling you how he feels about your timelines for marriage and kids. He doesn’t ever bring it up and then he just says he knows what you want when you mention it. He’s not answering whether he wants those things too so it sounds like he’s being deliberately unclear to avoid confrontation. If he wanted those things with you, chances are you would already have a firm timeline for marriage and kids. He planned out the house so he was happy to have a timeline for that.
“His point was that he doesn’t know, he’s not a planner and he doesn’t like having timeline for things.”
Not true. He had a timeline for the house and made it happen. He plans things that he WANTS to do. It’s not about being a planner. It’s about doing things you want to do.
“He said not to worry cause we are obviously heading along that path so far but that are other possible outcomes for the future and he can’t predict what will happen.” So basically don’t worry because you are FOR SURE headed towards marriage but we could break up by then so maybe not. lolz
“That I just need to not think about it so much, let everything happen naturally and not pressure him essentially.” Don’t make me vomit.
From your update:
“He said it may already have happened by then but there’s a chance it might not.” Ummm duh? Lol anyone can say that.
I have no idea how you think you made any progress at all because he doesn’t know so hes not going to be able to give you the reassurance you want. He gave you a handful of nothing and if you compare the statements from your OP and the update they’re the same.
He keeps adding in fluff and BS statements to try to reassure you while at the same time remaining noncommittal. Saying things like “IF things work out we will FOR SURE get married.” He wants you to hang around while he figures it out.
“…he would never string me along. He said that he can’t promise when he will be ready but that when I decide I’m done waiting and if he’s still not ready, he knows that I will leave.” And there it is lmao basically “I can’t guarantee I’ll ever marry you so I know you may eventually leave but just keep waiting around for me to maybe decide”
Like PP said, that is exactly what stringing someone along is. He can’t guarantee a future with you but doesn’t want you to leave. For all you know, he could already know you’re not the one and is just not telling you that so you don’t leave him
“Basically I said I don’t need a guaranteed deadline or timeframe or whatever, I just need to know that if we stay together that we will get married and have kids at some point.”
“To this he said yes if we stay together that’s what will happen.” of course he’s going to say that. “IF we stay together it will definitely happen!” He isn’t even sure the relationship will last at this point! And you want him to guarantee he will marry you?
“He believe the chance of us breaking up is very low.” Well of course HE does- because even if he doesn’t want to marry you he’s not going to want to end the relationship. Men stay with women for years and years knowing they don’t see a future with them. So that means literally nothing.
You’re not going to get the reassurance you seek from him, OP. It is easy for him to say whatever to pacify you right now. You are trying to nail down sand. He cant give the assurance you want because he doesn’t know if he wants to marry you.
Listen, OP, you’re young enough that if you really want to you can give this some more time. But based on his wishy-washy answers and how he wants you to just chill out and relax and, my favorite, “let things happen naturally” (ie expect a ring to fall out of the sky on Leap Year basically) I think he either
- Is so inexperienced in relationships that he needs an indefinite amount of time to catch up to where you are
- Doesn’t want to marry anyone ever but doesn’t want to tell you that
- Wants marriage eventually but not with you
Or a combo of the three.
You sound like you’re really anxious about it and the uncertainty is making you feel insecure in the relationship so you are seeking reassurance that he cant give you. It really comes down to whether you can truly continue the relationship without constantly worrying about this and letting it poison the relationship. Can you truly enjoy things as they are for another year before finding out where you stand? I know I couldn’t. If I were you I’d give him another 6 months max and leave if he’s still harping on about IF we don’t break up we will FOR SURE get married!