(Closed) Too soon?

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Yeah, OP, he’s telling you what you want to hear. He needs another 2-4 years of dating to figure out if he should marry you? You’ve been living together for a year now, what more is there to learn about each other at this point? He wasn’t afraid to commit to buying a house with you and getting 2 dogs, what difference would committing to marriage be to him? I know you said you are willing to give him his arbitrary 2 years to decide about marriage, but please really think about this. I’ve seen so many women in my life waste their prime years on men who did not want to commit to marriage, yet were comfortable living together and having kids together. Now they feel stuck and they are not happy. I don’t want you to become one of them.

Post # 32
Member
657 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Hi, Op. You know your partner, so I might be off base, but it hurt my heart for your that he kept saying if you are still together. No one who is all in, in my opinion, says that. They believe in the union and the power of love. 

If you were my daughter, and I have a 24 year old daughter, I would say, sell him your half of the house, and find someone who is all in. You deserve someone who knows that they love you and that they want what you want. 

Post # 33
Member
492 posts
Helper bee

See you back here in 2 years to go through this all over again.

I know you don’t like the advice you’re getting here, but we’re giving it to you because we see it ALL THE TIME and are trying to warn you to get out before it’s too late. Do yourself a favor and look at the waiting boards. Look at how similar these other men are talking about marriage (one day, let it happen naturally, maybe, most likely, possibly) to these women who have given years and years of their youth and life. Look at the women who have bought houses with boyfriends without protecting themselves legally, and are now trapped because of it. We’ve seen your exact situation a million times before and don’t want it for you, when you’re so young and deserve to have the life and the future you want.

I know loving him is strong, but loving yourself should be stronger.

Post # 34
Member
1657 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@hopelesslyromantic:  Since he has acknowledged he’s not sure the relationship will last, now is a good time to have a discussion and come to a legal agreement on the house in the event you two split. I would also suggest you have another conversation where you tell him you thought it over and you are not willing to wait more than 3 years of dating (1 year from now) for an engagement–then set a walk date. Three years is plenty of time at age 34 to know if you want to marry someone. I get the sense that this is something you think you need to compromise over–you don’t–you’re allowed to have your own standards.

Post # 35
Hostess
4629 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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@hopelesslyromantic:  I understand you’re happy with the conversation you had bee, but it really is so noncommittal.  I started dating my D.H. when we were really young (18) so I do get not feeling like you need to get married *now* but still wanting to make sure you’re on the same page as to where your relationship is going.  My D.H. never used language like your S.O. is using, even when we were your age and younger.  It was always WHEN we get married, WHEN we have kids, and a timeline that (to us both) was reasonable.  We agreed when we were in our early 20s that we would get married after graduate school and he proposed within a year of me graduating, at 26.  If he had said things like “we’ll be married IF we’re still together” I would not have felt very secure in our relationship.  This is even more concerning to me because your S.O. is much older – older, in fact, than my D.H. and I are right now (31) and we’re going to TTC this year.  If you want to TTC at 27, I wouldn’t wait around 2-4 more years to see if maybe he’ll think about marrying you, but I also think that his ambivalence about children is concerning and that you two sound incompatible.  I know that is hard to hear, and I am sorry for that.  

Post # 36
Member
543 posts
Busy bee

I find it confusing to be told 2 years is too soon. Because the truth is it’s not. Maybe for some people who weren’t sure about who they were with. I just don’t see how it takes longer than that to know, unless there’s no connection or deep feelings from one person or both. I feel that in my bones, I just can’t imagine it taking longer. But he also said himself he’s not there yet. To me at this point he’d be settling to marry in a few years which I think is what happens to a lot of people.

Kinda like oh well, we’ve been together this long, nothing broke us up yet. May as well get married. Don’t be in a marriage like that. My fear for you is that’s what this would be. You already live together. I just don’t know how if he’s ever going to be head over heels and so sure about you that he will be so happy to be your husband. He’s going to just see that social timer running out. 

Post # 37
Member
8370 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

“He said that he can’t promise when he will be ready but that when I decide I’m done waiting and if he’s still not ready, he knows that I will leave.”

What the fuck? This is literally the definition of stringing someone along. “Well I wont be ready, but whenever shes done waiting, she’ll leave and I dont have to lift a finger” Fuck this guy! 

Post # 38
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

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@daxsymbiote:  Well said! So many women seem to get trapped in prioritising other peoples happiness and aspirations over their own. 

Post # 39
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

View original reply
@anonymousbee001:  agree.  Have this conversation NOW, when things are relatively good, on what y’all will do with the house and get it in writing.  You do NOT want to have this conversation if or when things go South.

Post # 40
Member
3073 posts
Sugar bee

So basically he’s selling you more BS and you’re buying it. 

You’ll be back in 2 years crying about how he still won’t propose. If that’s how you want to live your life, then that’s fine. We all tried to warn you. 

Talk to an attorney NOW and get yourself protected with the house so it’s not a big ordeal when you end up walking away.

Post # 41
Member
4479 posts
Honey bee

Even though you are okay with the recent conversation, you should still document what will happen with the house if you break up. Don’t be blinded by love with respect to your financial health.

Post # 42
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would take his updates as he neither wants to marry you nor break up with you, and he is putting off making a decision over which option he finds the least undesirable for another year.

 

I also don’t like his comments that you are “pressuring” him. Yes, you should have put on your big girl panties and had a direct conversation with him rather than “joking” around first, but you have since rectified that, and either way, it is not “pressuring” someone to talk about your joint futures, particularly when a large joint financial transaction has been made.

Post # 43
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

It sounds like your boyfriend is actually like me. I had a bunch of rules for dating conditions that would result in marriage, and one of those was that I wouldn’t get engaged until I had been with someone for five years without breaking up for that entire time. I think the conversation between the two of you went really well, but I do agree with previous posters that you should have a documented agreement about the house, because buying a house together before you’re married is a huge commitment with so much potential for a messy end, but also because if you reach an end point with him and you’re considering whether to stay or go, in an uncertain headspace the effort of sorting out the logistics of the house could wind up being a deterrent from leaving when you otherwise would. Making sure that the decisions you would make in the future would be entirely based on how you feel and how you’re treated in the relationship will be good for both of you, because you’ll know for sure that neither of you are in the relationship just because you don’t have a better option, but because you both want to be there. Isn’t that the kind of relationship you want to be part of?

Post # 44
Member
1054 posts
Bumble bee

This is tough situation to be in, and although I tend to agree with the other PPs that his response was non-committal and shouldn’t fill anyone with confidence, and that trusting in his timing is risky at best, ultimately, it’s difficult to know for certain because you guys are not quite 2 years into your relationship. So technically, there is a chance he just isn’t really ready or sure yet but will be at some point.

I don’t like his non-committal language. I feel like he’s kind of leading you up the garden path.

All the same, that’s neither here nor there. The fact that he doesn’t know when he’ll be ready should not stop you from deciding how much more time you’re willing to give this relationship to see if it progresses, and I highly recommend you do so. If you are very marriage-minded, I would not suggest giving it another 2 or 3 years. I’d say a year, tops. That is long enough to say you’ve really given it, and him, a fair chance to be ready, but it’s not so long that you’re resentful that you’ve wasted too many prime years on it.

I’d say check in with him again in 6 months. If he’s still giving the ummm ahhh I’m not sure response, I’d start making plans. Go see an attorney about getting your share of the house back, make plans to find a new place etc. Then tell him about your plans. By the end of that year, you should know exactly where you are.

Be fair to him sure, but you must be fair to yourself.

Post # 45
Member
2032 posts
Buzzing bee

So amidst all the noncommittal BS, if you get down to the nitty gritty, he is saying he doesn’t know if you’re the one and he doesn’t know if or when he will know. So he doesn’t want to put a timeline on it when he doesn’t know if he will propose because he can’t say for sure you’re it for him and he doesn’t want you expecting a proposal since it may not happen.

This is the only reasonable thing he has said in your entire post: “And that it feels too soon to talk about it when we aren’t quite at 2 years yet.” This could be plausible but I would only give him another 6 months to figure it out.

 Please understand that if you decide to give him more time that this is why. It’s not because you’re for sure his future wife and he just has to get established in his career or pay off debt or whatever. There are no concrete obstacles. The obstacle is emotional and there’s no guarantee he will marry you because right now he isn’t sure about you.

From your OP:

 “The topic hasn’t really come up too much since then other than me mentioning I would like to be thinking about/trying for my first baby around 27. And him saying on a few occasions that he knows I want kids in the next few years.”

It sounds like you’re incompatible. He’s holding back and not telling you how he feels about your timelines for marriage and kids. He doesn’t ever bring it up and then he just says he knows what you want when you mention it. He’s not answering whether he wants those things too so it sounds like he’s being deliberately unclear to avoid confrontation. If he wanted those things with you, chances are you would already have a firm timeline for marriage and kids. He planned out the house so he was happy to have a timeline for that.

 “His point was that he doesn’t know, he’s not a planner and he doesn’t like having timeline for things.”

Not true. He had a timeline for the house and made it happen. He plans things that he WANTS to do. It’s not about being a planner. It’s about doing things you want to do.

 “He said not to worry cause we are obviously heading along that path so far but that are other possible outcomes for the future and he can’t predict what will happen.” So basically don’t worry because you are FOR SURE headed towards marriage but we could break up by then so maybe not. lolz

That I just need to not think about it so much, let everything happen naturally and not pressure him essentially.” Don’t make me vomit.

From your update:

“He said it may already have happened by then but there’s a chance it might not.” Ummm duh? Lol anyone can say that.

I have no idea how you think you made any progress at all because he doesn’t know so hes not going to be able to give you the reassurance you want. He gave you a handful of nothing and if you compare the statements from your OP and the update they’re the same.

He keeps adding in fluff and BS statements to try to reassure you while at the same time remaining noncommittal. Saying things like “IF things work out we will FOR SURE get married.” He wants you to hang around while he figures it out.

“…he would never string me along. He said that he can’t promise when he will be ready but that when I decide I’m done waiting and if he’s still not ready, he knows that I will leave.” And there it is lmao basically “I can’t guarantee I’ll ever marry you so I know you may eventually leave but just keep waiting around for me to maybe decide”

Like PP said, that is exactly what stringing someone along is. He can’t guarantee a future with you but doesn’t want you to leave. For all you know, he could already know you’re not the one and is just not telling you that so you don’t leave him

“Basically I said I don’t need a guaranteed deadline or timeframe or whatever, I just need to know that if we stay together that we will get married and have kids at some point.”

“To this he said yes if we stay together that’s what will happen.” of course he’s going to say that. “IF we stay together it will definitely happen!” He isn’t even sure the relationship will last at this point! And you want him to guarantee he will marry you?

“He believe the chance of us breaking up is very low.” Well of course HE does- because even if he doesn’t want to marry you he’s not going to want to end the relationship. Men stay with women for years and years knowing they don’t see a future with them. So that means literally nothing.

You’re not going to get the reassurance you seek from him, OP. It is easy for him to say whatever to pacify you right now. You are trying to nail down sand. He cant give the assurance you want because he doesn’t know if he wants to marry you.

Listen, OP, you’re young enough that if you really want to you can give this some more time. But based on his wishy-washy answers and how he wants you to just chill out and relax and, my favorite, “let things happen naturally” (ie expect a ring to fall out of the sky on Leap Year basically) I think he either

  1. Is so inexperienced in relationships that he needs an indefinite amount of time to catch up to where you are
  2. Doesn’t want to marry anyone ever but doesn’t want to tell you that
  3. Wants marriage eventually but not with you

 

Or a combo of the three.

 

You sound like you’re really anxious about it and the uncertainty is making you feel insecure in the relationship so you are seeking reassurance that he cant give you. It really comes down to whether you can truly continue the relationship without constantly worrying about this and letting it poison the relationship. Can you truly enjoy things as they are for another year before finding out where you stand? I know I couldn’t. If I were you I’d give him another 6 months max and leave if he’s still harping on about IF we don’t break up we will FOR SURE get married!

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