(Closed) Too young and too soon?!?

posted 7 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ChiBride09: The only person who can judge your relationship is you. Personally, I’d say “What’s the rush?”

Continue to enjoy this great relationship and grow together. If your relationship is strong and one that will last, then there’s no reason to jump into marriage quickly. 

There is no magic formula for being ready to be married. I would just make sure you really are ready to get married before jumping in since you do have a son involved. 

Also, the schedule he is keeping does not seem maintainable. People need more than 4 hours of sleep a night. Is this a schedule he wants to keep? Or one you suggested?

Personally, I’d think the next logical step might be living together (not at your mother’s) and see what “real life” together is like. 

Also, I do think there is a little truth to the statement, if you have to ask then you aren’t ready. It doesn’t mean your realtionship isn’t wonderful and will result in a long happy marriage, just that there is some doubt knocking around in your mind.

Post # 4
Member
3152 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

i agree with KatNYC2011— what’s the rush? every relationship is different, but if you’re going to be together forever, why not wait another year and let the relationship grow.

Post # 5
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I once saw a guideline on… I think AskMen that I really felt good about. It said (directed at men), you date a girl for 2 years after she turns 22. You can date her as long as you want before then, but don’t marry her until you’ve dated 2 years after 22.

You have a child, so you surely (and rightly) feel like you have had more life experience than your single friends bopping around carefree. I would argue that the growth you experience in the next 2 years alone will be massive in addition to the growth you did in having a child. 

I’d also feel better about a young, short courting marriage if you knew each other as friends for a long time first and if you didn’t live with your parents. Based on his age, I’m guessing the former isn’t true. 

I’d say take your time. I get worried when people know each other/date eah other for less than 2 years and get engaged, that’s just in general. With divorce rates as high as they are, I think we owe it to ‘marriage’ to take the time and try to make sure that this is a lasting marriage. 

All else aside, the #1 reason I don’t like your timeline/ think you’re ready, is what you said here: you’re counting engagement months with dating months to make it seem longer. Sure, my FH and I discussed marriage 9 months into our relationship.. but this was in making sure we wanted that same goal. I think your SO’s age has a huge part to play in this- generalizing, late 20-somethings and early 30-somethings date for shorter amounts of time before getting married. Biological clocks are ticking, sure, but I’d say it’s more that they know themselves better and know what they want. I think your SO is there. I think that you are not (yet). 

My best advice- move in with him! If you miss him when he leaves to sleep, change that!

Post # 6
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree with KatNYC2011. I don’t understand the rush to get married. You’ve only been together 9 months, and you’re 22. I agree the next logical step would be to move in for a while and just enjoy being together. Seeing each other every day and actually living together are extremely different. So far he mostly spends time at your “turf.” But when you live together and you share the space equally and have to make decisions about EVERYTHING together, it’s so much different.

And I think if you have to ask the question, it means you ARE questioning whether you’re doing the right thing.

Post # 8
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I agree with the Knot, and the other posters.  If you have to ask, then something in the back of your mind is telling you it’s too soon.  Who decided on the October 2012 date? You or your boyfriend? Why can’t it be Oct 2013, so you settle in some more with the relationship?

Post # 9
Member
4362 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Personally, I’d think the next logical step might be living together (not at your mother’s) and see what “real life” together is like. 

I agree with @KatNYC2011 on this point and others.

It’s not for me to judge.  But I still think you (and everyone) should take things one step at a time.  I know you live with your parents but I find it odd he doesn’t stay at yours if he’s there so late anyway and then gets no sleep.

Welcome to the Hive ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 10
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@ChiBride09:  While no one knows your relationship like you and your SO, I would suggest some caution. I had two kids when my Fiance and I started dating and with the kid factor I would definitely take the suggestion of living together first. I know some may not agree with that, but right now you guys are in the honeymoon phase of your relationship and for the child’s sake, I would test it to make sure you guys can handle the practical things like running a household together. You could still get engaged then move in together and have a 6 month to year long engagement. I think with a child involved, it is always a good idea to be “double sure”.

Post # 11
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@ChiBride09: Just curious, do you ever go to his place?

Is there a reason he always comes to you? 

I understand what you are saying about your mom being religious and not wanting you moving in with him, but you do already have a son. You are now a mother and have to figure out how to do what is best for him. You want to make sure this relationship is going to be a long lasting one so as not to disrupt your son’s life too much. And if waiting another year or so helps to solidify your compatibility, I see no reason to rush.

But, again, as I and others have said, only YOU know your relationship well enough to judge.

Also, I’m curious who brought up getting married in October? You or him?

Post # 13
Member
4362 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@MrsBroccoli: I agree with the “dating months” versus “engagement months”, I also agree that people in their 30s tend to date for less time.  But OP, just because he’s in his thirties doesn’t mean you are, or that you have to “rush”. 

@Miss ShowKitty:  “double sure”  – this is sound advice.

Post # 14
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Personally for me, it would be too soon.  It’s AWESOME that you all are getting along so well and he’s so helpful with your son.  But I would just enjoy it for what it is right now.  Living together/being married doesn’t mean you get to be together more necessarily anyway.  I have learned sooo much more about my fiance between 9 months and now (4 years)… and I knew him for almost 7 years before we even started dating! 

For me personally, I would want more time to grow as a couple before getting married.  It seems like you are rushing.  But as someone else said, it’s your decision and these are just our opinions.

Post # 16
Member
4362 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

@ChiBride09: Just to add that I am also a Waitingbee with a similar age gap (21 and 33).  We don’t live together (because of logistics) but spend the night with each other often.  I don’t think you’re too young or too immature or whatever.  *edit*But there’s a big difference between how you feel now at 9 months and 9 years.

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