(Closed) too young to be engaged

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

There’s a lot of opinion on what’s “too young” around here, and it seems to vary as widely as people’s histories, culture, observations, etc. So I don’t think it’s an unusual opinion, but just a very individual one where there’s not really a right or normal answer. Some people want to finish college/get a job/be a certain age/have traveled to a certain # of places, and some think that’s all extraneous and irrelevant to their relationships. I personally say get married whenever you and your man are on the same page and are mentally and emotionally prepared – most societal norms seem arbitrary to me 😉

Post # 4
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’ve been with my SO for almost 4.5 years, and last year (so the winter of my senior year in college) I wanted to be engaged so badly. I was going to go to graduate school, and I wanted that confidence that moving to another city (without him) that we were on the same page for after I graduated (this upcoming summer). So I totally understand how you feel at 22. At the same time, I don’t think there is one societal expectation. It changes over time, by generation, culture, etc. If he doesn’t think it would be best for your relationship to get engaged before you graduate, that’s still lucky… you graduate soon!

Post # 5
Member
3968 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I should point out I’m still waiting, though!

Post # 6
Member
683 posts
Busy bee

I know age is a heated topic on the boards- personally, my family would not be happy if I got my head wrapped around marriage before graduating. My extended family seems uncomfortable that my cousin is getting married at 22. I think it is especially a point of contention for families that are ‘first-generation.” My parents, like a lot of immigrants, want a better education/opportunity for their children, and while they want us to get married, they want a guarantee of sorts that we fill this obligation to ourselves and the sacrafices that our parents made.

 I guess the personal question lie in- if you are both on the same page with committment- what is the harm in waiting? The longer you wait, the more experience you have as a couple and as a growing individual. The more you can say you faced together, learned together, learned about yourself, etc.  I think the argument people place on “I’m not too young camp” kind of minimize that point. I don’t think there is some magical age- but there is also the point of savoring every point of your life, graduation, your first job, career, mid-twenties, (which is completely a different experience than 22, imho,) without feeling like you’re “missing out” on being engaged.

Post # 7
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I forgot to say that I’m 22, and have been married just over a year, so I’m a relatively young bride. I could go on and on about my husband and i’s relationship and why I feel we are adequately prepared for marriage (and others our age who are not), but it all boils down to what you and your partner are comfortable with.

Post # 8
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

My husband and I were exactly the same ages as you and your boyfriend are when we met.  We dated for 3.5 years before getting married and I do think that some of it had to do with my age.  I think he wanted time to go by to lend a sense of legitimacy to our relationship in the eyes of other people.  Personally, I love our age difference.  We have been very happily married for 7 years now and we got to skip the stupid stuff that people fight about in relationships with men in their 20’s.  Congrats on finding a 30something guy, they are fantastic.

Post # 9
Member
4142 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

SO refuses to propose until I graduate uni.  I have 6 months to wait.  It sucks, but I respect the decision.  We have a similar age gap, (21 and 33) and I know he’s doing it for me so I can focus on my degree.

Post # 11
Member
29 posts
Newbee

For perspective, my brother got engaged at 20 and they married shortly after he turned 22 (she was 21) after they had been dating for about 5 years. He more or less gave up on his education (granted, when he got engaged at 20, he still had about 2 years of school left). But their immaturity cost them a lot: they both ended up quitting jobs (hers was quite good considering she didn’t have any education beyond high school – she was making nearly $40k a year, and that was 10 years ago). They lost their house. Now they’ve floundered around, never really having enough money to do anything, and they’re 30. No baby because they’re worried they can’t afford one.

There are several variables that help me decide if a couple is too young – is at least one member of the pairing gainfully employed and making decent money? Do they have a large amount of debt that they should deal with first? Do they have past relationships (not a dealbreaker, but IMPORTANT – you are going to be spending the rest of your life with this person if you do it right. So, are you sure it’s right? Sometimes you do just know with the first partner, but that’s rare)?

 

For me personally, I wanted to be done with school first (but I just wanted to be done, period!). Great thing is that you’re in your last semester, OP, so it’s basically done for. I would think that 22 is YOUNG for an engagement, but not “TOO YOUNG.”

Personally, I think the 20 and under crowd getting engaged is too young.

Post # 12
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee

I’m 22 as well, turning 23 in the summer. I don’t think it’s too young to be engaged. If I get engaged this year (highly unlikely, but you never know) I would wait a couple years. But I am graduating college in 2 weeks.

Most of my friends already have kids! And are in long term relationships. Some are already married and they are a few years younger than me! So no I don’t think 22 is too young. Actually my cousin just got married, and she is only 18. Most of my extended family is upset, but it’s her choice and as long as she is happy I don’t really care. She knew the guy for a long time and they were serious. 

Post # 13
Member
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@squeak:  well i got engaged when i was 19 im 20 now and my wedding is next month 😀

Post # 14
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - county fairgrounds

i’m 20, got engaged at 19 and won’t turn 21 until about a month after my fiancee and i get married. he turns 21 2 days after we get married. I get told i’m too young or asked if there’s a reason i need to get married right now (i.e. they hint at am i pregnant? which i’m not in case you were wondering too) My fiancee and I just love each other and both of us had to grow a lot sooner than most when we were younger. i might be a little more shy about getting married so young if we didn’t feel so strongly about each other, we’ve changed as people since we started dating and made it through that, we’ve had a lot of things happen in our lives since being together and got each other through it, we’ve lived together on our own for about a year now. his mom still doesn’t think we’re really going to get married. after being engaged (which she knew we were engaged) for a few months we went over to her house to show her some of the wedding plans and her response was o so now you think you’re going to get married, wasn’t getting engaged enough for you.

Post # 15
Member
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@jordan1027:  thats crazy. im so lucky my Future Mother-In-Law is extremely supporting. good luck girly! 

Post # 16
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - county fairgrounds

@bearcatbetch thank you i may need it. my fiances mom and dad are divorced- his dad remarried a woman much younger than his mom, his mom i think is partially bitter that we’re getting married and she’s single after them being divorced for like 12 years, she use to be all smug when i told her my mom was married right before turning 19, she said ha but that didn’t last long what was she thinking and i said they were married for 17 years before getting divorced (his mom was only marreid for about 8 or 9 years) and just gave me this look of yea right. also she liked his ex gf more than me, even after my fiance and his ex broke up she would come over to his house and hang out with his mom. when they broke up, it was kind of messy (she cheated on him and he found out) his mom took her side and always compared me to her and would tell me she always has so much more fun with her and i think she always thought they would get back together and she could call her the daughter-in-law. she’s always tried to push me away when i try to get close and when i back off and think w/e she doesn’t want anything to do with me then she’s like you don’t like me i’m trying to be nice to you. but his father and step mom are being pretty supportive of us getting married but i sometimes get frustrated bc his dad tries to push in and change wedding plans for me but my fiances had a talk with him now.

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