Too young to get married??

posted 2 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee

New Bee :  …how can you decide an experience is unnecessary when you’ve never had it? Literally 99% of people think their first relationship is the best while they are in it and years later after experience and perspective realize they are glad they didn’t end up with their first love. 

Have you ever made those no-bake Jello cheesecakes? I used to make those all the time when I was young. You don’t need the stove so it’s perfect for kids to make. I remember loving those cheesecakes! When I was older I wanted to make a cheesecake from scratch, so I learned how and mostly made scratch cheesecakes. Then one day I was craving cheesecake and didn’t want to bake one from scratch. I was in the store and I picked up one of those Jello cheesecakes. I went home and made it. I took a bite and SPIT IT OUT. It was nasty. I tried to give it away and I couldn’t, because everyone thought it was crap compared to the cheesecakes I normally made.  

That’s basically most relationships you have when you are younger. You are often eating crap and thinking it’s great because that’s all you know and it tastes great to you. When you grow and refine your tastebuds a bit, you realize there’s a whole world of cheesecake out there – different flavors, different toppings, different crusts. You might find your perfect cheesecake, based on years of testing recipes. When you think back to what you used to have you realize how crappy it actually was. Some people don’t have that experience. Some people are lucky and get gourmet cheesecake from a young age. Some people go back to the Jello cheesecake after trying a million recipes and realize that’s THEIR best cheesecake. The problem is, until you have experienced different cheesecake you don’t actually KNOW that this is the best one for you. You have nothing to compare it to, and it’s ridiculous to say “This is the best cheesecake for me!” when you have literally only tried one. That doesn’t mean you HAVE to try every cheesecake! Some people will eat Jello cheesecake and say, “I don’t know if it’s the best, it might not be, but I do like it and I don’t need to try any others.” That’s a totally reasonable position to take! Just don’t justify it as the best ever cheesecake as if you know. You don’t know. 

That being said, you aren’t going to not marry someone you love just because it doesn’t work out well for most people. You are both going to consider yourselves the exception, and maybe you are. Some of these marriages do work! Maybe yours will work. You both lack the perspective and experience to know, but as I said before every marriage is a gamble and hindsight is 20/20. If you end up divorced down the line, that’s a chance everyone takes. 

Post # 48
Member
2534 posts
Sugar bee

I also feel like it’s too young, but I’m older (in my 40s), and I an so thankful I did not marry the person I was engaged to in my early 20s!  

Post # 49
Member
342 posts
Helper bee

strawberrysakura :  everyone’s middle school boyfriend is basically jello cheesecake. Back when 90% of your relationship played out on MSN Messenger and you thought that drama meant your “love” was deep and worth fighting for (thanks Dawson’s Creek). 

Post # 50
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee

sweetmama :  with all due respect, you haven’t been in a long-haul marriage since a young age. You’ve only been married two years. 

Post # 52
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I’m 22 (engaged techniquely at 21, a month before my birthday) and my parents were NOT happy when I got engaged.  I’m in my last year of my master’s degree and they felt that planning a wedding while finishing my clinicals would be too hard.  We decided to go against their wishes and move forward with planning the wedding anyway. 

I would definitely be more open about your timeline with your mom. One of my regrets was that my mom felt like she was caught off guard because we never really talked about those things. I think that will make the situation better when it does happen becuase that way your mom will at least know it is coming even if she doesn’t necessarily agree with it. 

Post # 53
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I’m in a similar situation. My mom got married at 18 to her high school sweetheart, and divorced when I was really young. It was messy and abusive. 

my boyfriend and I have been together almost four years. We’ve done long distance. We’ve lived together about a year and a half. He’s 25, I’m almost 23. I’m working towards a teaching cert, but I finished my bachelor’s already. He never finished school, but he has a pretty well paying job in management. We’re talking about a timeline of the end of March, and I briefly mentioned it to my mom  bc I’m excited. 

She didn’t say anything to my face, but she made multiple comments to my sister and aunt about how we’re so young and she wants us to wait longer. In my opinion, you’ll know when it’s right. I know my mother has rushed into both marriages and has been unhappy in both, and she’s projecting a little bit. You may also be getting some projecting from your mom. But it’s your decision, and if you feel comfortable and ready then that’s up to you. Don’t allow an outside perspective change how you feel about your relationship; everyone’s relationship matures at different levels and everyone feels ready at different times.

Also, my boyfriend asked her for her blessing, and she gave it without hesitation. So hopefully your mom won’t make any comments to your SO if he chooses to ask. I was rather concerned about that one. (Sorry this post is long btw)

Post # 54
Member
9869 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

My husband and I got together young (18) we got engaged at 25 and married at 26. I saw quite a few friends get married and then divorced while we were still dating. And of course all of them were sure in their early 20s the guy they were with was the one. Can getting married young work out? Of course it can. But the fact is that the majority of the time it doesn’t. 

I’m glad we waited until we were older. I feel like each of us knew ourselves better at 26 than we did at 22. We were both more financially secure. More sure of what we wanted in life. I feel like that extra time made our relationship stronger going into the marriage.

Post # 55
Member
10082 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Might as well do it since you’re dead set on it, you can always divorce him or he you in a year or two.

Post # 56
Member
7094 posts
Busy Beekeeper

If you’re so sure, what’s the rush? 

Look, I agree with you about not needing to date around to “know”. I started dating my husband at 16. But we didn’t actually get married until we were 27. While I could have seen us getting engaged a few years earlier (we bought a house first, so could have got engaged and then house), I still think 22 would have been too young! If you’re confident in your relationship then you won’t feel the need to show off for other people. 

Post # 57
Member
2098 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

New Bee :  To be engaged means you’re getting married and actively planning a wedding. There’s no point in having a several year long engagement. At that point, you’re doing it so that you can exchange the titles of gf and bf for fiancé so that you’ll “sound serious” to others. That’s pointless. Wait to get engaged until you’re ready to get married. 

Post # 58
Member
399 posts
Helper bee

I dated my high school sweet heart and he went off to college and we still did just fine long distance. We were together many many years. But we were growing into ourselves. Not apart necessarily.. but we were changing. Over time what was once compatible no longer felt right. There is nothing as a couple we could have done about that.

BUT I don’t think its exactly TOO young. But at your age (or atleast when I was your age) I thought I was done growing as a person and well I was wrong. Now at 31 I look back at 22 year old me and laugh. And I was fairly established and doing fine then. 

So if I were you I would do what feels right, but keep in mind that there will be major changes coming your way as an individual that has nothing to do with the person you are with. A long engagement is what I recommend. 

Post # 59
Member
2568 posts
Sugar bee

strawberrysakura :  This is the best analogy! 

I was with my high school bf for 5 years, and at one point I “knew” we’d be together forever. I am so glad I was wrong, because that was not a healthy relationship. There were tons of red flags I overlooked because I was young and didn’t know better, and because I was afraid of never being able to find that kind of security and comfort again if I left. (I’ve learned from experience that I’ve come to feel just as comfortable and relaxed around all my long term bfs, even if after each breakup there was a “omg what if I never find this again?” freakout. Having that knowledge means I stopped making relationship decisions based on fear.) 

Besides that, I would not trade my years in my 20s being on my own and living solo, dating occassionally and developing strong friendships and interests on my own. I grew a lot in those years. I focused on myself in a way that you can’t when you’re in a relationship, and I think that was really healthy for me. I invested in my girlfriends and leaned on them during breakups and through life changes, and nearly a decade later these are still my bffs. Could I have done this with a partner? Sure, if I had been mature enough to learn how to balance friendships, pursuing my own career and personal goals, and maintaining a relationship. But I certainly didn’t do that in my first relationship, so it became too large a facet of my life (to the detriment of friendships). 

I’m not saying that getting married young never works. I know a couple people who got married in their very early 20s are who are still very happy with their spouses and have great relationships. But both of the couples I’m thinking of were also waiting for marriage to have sex, so there was an extra incentive to get married relatively quickly. If there’s not a religious reason to marry early and you’re not planning to have kids soon, it can’t hurt to wait an extra few years to make sure you still feel the same way as you continue to grow. 

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